mom.

i know we aren’t in the best place

right now

and i know

the love gets lost in the yelling and tears

but when you come back

(because you always come back)

you apologize

because i’m too subborn to.

and because this time, words get lost in the regret,

i wrap my arms around you

and we stay like that

for a while.

dad.

we dance around those heavy pieces of glass

like how i cut myself

like how i wish to disappear

like how i stare at the knife

but when i came to you that night,

skin bleeding

mind screaming,

you wrapped my wrist in soft bandages

and read me pages from my favorite book

until my mind was calm once again.

him.

your presence

brings more

warmth

than i can bring myself right now

and for that,

i kiss you

with not just my lips

but also my heart

because the happiness

you have brought me

for 3 years

cannot be diminished to letters.

home.

you are the stable constant

the dependable structure

to come back to

every night

of the unpredictable days

of brief happiness

or blinding agony.

always, you are here.

the bed is awaiting

the ice cream is calling.

you are the safest place i know.

books.

where to start?

how to express the gratitude

i have for these

pages of ink

that i have devoured my entire life?

worlds of magic

times told backwards

life once lived

and lived once again.

inked pages have it all.

when life fails to be enough

when life decides to be too much,

there will always be a book

waiting to be read.

i asked you to

take care of me

kiss me

devour me

love me

and you took care of

my body,

devouring it

with kisses,

moaning how you love me.

and that’s when i broke.

right there, intertwined with the love of my life

(?)

right there,

my blood grew feet

and furiously fled,

well-aware that the aftermath

of your mistakes

would be fatal.

because

(i think) i wanted you to

take care of my heart

kiss my mind

devour my words

love

my

soul

you

were nothing more

than everything.

when you left,

you took everything away.

then i was left with

nothing.

slow changes

until i look back

and with wonder, i see

that nothing is the same.

you are no longer mine,

she is not my friend anymore,

there is an unfamilar cage around my heart.

at which point

in this tumult

did everything

go so wrong?

i wonder why i don’t have true friends

but then i realize,

i’m not a true friend.

maybe it’s because i’ve been taught that life is

everyone for themselves,

where only the most cutthroat people

survive.

so i’ll be nice if we have to work together.

genuinely nice.

but once that deadline is met,

goodbye.

and sometimes, i wish

i could change that mindset of mine.

but maybe it’s for the best.

after all,

i don’t need friends

when friends get in the way of success

and success

earns money

and money

drives donations

and donations

contribute to a

better world.

i am the fire.

you are the candle.

you give birth to my light,

letting it glow and dance and twist.

the wind tried to pull me

but you wouldn’t let it.

i thought you were sweet,

protecting me from my breezy death.

but i realized soon

that i am chained to you.

i try to bend away,

but i can’t fly away to burn

anywhere i please.

my flame dances around your candle,

trapped to your wax stick

conforming my light.

to burn, light and pretty,

i am forever condemned

to your dark candle.

shh.

don’t make a noise.

don’t say a word

as you climb into my heart.

if i hear you,

if i start to see opportunities of self-sabotage,

my mind will wake up.

and then

everything

will

go

wrong.

explore every inch

of my heart

but don’t ever come close

to my mind.

it will say words it doesn’t mean.

it will drive you away.

it will make you

hate me.

i don’t know what i would do if you hated me.

so please, please,

please,

don’t utter a word

as you sleep next to my soul.

i was a yellow sunflower

at the back of the garden.

unnoticed, my bright petals.

disregarded, my long stem.

i was a glass vase

with nothing inside.

empty, i was left.

discarded, i became.

october ninth,

you took the sunflower

and put it in the vase.

you filled my vacant glass of a body

with colorful life.