When there is nothing left of you but barren fields and empty rooms... you find something... in the bullshit cliché of life. Face down in angst. Raging against every God I have ever known. Strike out at the bottle as it numbs my fear. lip service paid to the appropriate bitch. Prepared for my untimely demise. Take a drink deep and long. Shoot the bullshit of life into my veins. Frantically searching for the passage to my heart. Stop it dead in its tracks. Lay me out frozen in time so that the worry may subside. Use the powder up until it's distant and obscure. Erase your eyes from my view and rip your god damn memories from my rum soaked mind. Release the Kraken and pray to the ancient Gods it consumes me before I acknowledge the weakness within.

I will bare open the jugular and slice insanely straight upon my wrist. Bare the bitter fate of Aconite and fall into silent suffocation. Soul released to tend to you and your sadistic needs. Cut open my heart and serve it warm and raw. Silver platter in thr hands of the lesser known.

I am lost and broken. Though far less broken than my love. The urge to miss you is too much for my poets heart. Selfishly I wish to purge your memory from within. Crush the image of our future into dust and cast it off into the wind. Witj the ashes of my life.

But that is not of me. For I will throw myself upon my knees and wilt beneath the beauty of you. And stay within my level of hell tormented by our separation and the want to conceal you from pain. Helpless and trapped. With only your mirage as my guide.

I drifted to sleep last night to the dramatic sound of Nancy Grace. As she described the atrocities that occurred inside the Pulse nightclub in Orlando.  In the hours since the news broke my emotions have been rattled.  They've been scattered and broken. From tears to smiles as the survivors are reunited with their families; to tears for the 49 lost senselessly to hate. 

I've been heartbroken and in shock. I've been angry. Livid, that in 2016 the hatred for your brothers and sisters can be so strong that this seems the only way to release the rage.

I've called my Mama just to remind her that I love her.  Called my friends,  called my boys in Florida. Text my former coach just to tell him how proud and happy I am that he is who he is and that he found the man of his dreams.

But mostly I've been grateful.  I'm grateful to wake up everyday in the arms of the woman I love.  Unashamed of who I am or the immense passion we share. I have held her a bit tighter and I've kissed her while she sleeps. I spent the entire day wrapped up in her.  Disregarding work and appointments. I've spent the last few days thanking God for placing her in my path the night we met;  for blessing me with someone so amazing and so graceful and beautiful and warm.  I am better,  stronger, more courageous with her at my side.

And above all else I am Me with her and I cannot wrap my head around Love being Wrong. Love breeding hatred.

As I write this she's snuggled into my chest.  Arms around me and safe. I'm one of the lucky ones.  My heart goes out to Orlando.  My heart goes out to the families without daughters and sons.  The partners without their other halves.  To the sisters, the brothers.  To the entire human race.

Pray for victims; for the survivors and for those who will never hear their loved one's laughter again.

We Are Orlando.

In the distance of the morning sun

I find you. Sleeping. Silently

Stretching. Reaching for me. Naked and bare.

Rays of sunlight dancing through the curtains. The chill of the air. Goosebumps on your perfect skin.

Nestling into me as though I am your sense of life. Of dawn and new beginnings.

Wrapping into me. You mold...perfectly into my arms.

I run my fingers Down your spine and you smile. Eyes closed. I kiss your head and breathe your scent inside of me.

Resisting the urge for coffee and a smoke. I stay here. With you molded perfectly to my skin and drift off to sleep. With dreams of babies crying and white framed fences and you.

Call me out. Appreciate the lies

They're well intentioned.

I pour the rum and close my eyes

Knowing the transgressions.

Love is fleeting

I'm not the only liar.

Not here.

You're willing to trade sex for rum

And I have rum....

No need for sex

Take it and go before the pity sets in

Sad eyes. Green and haunting

Looking up at me. For answers

For love.

You are my heart my dear

Pure and golden. The better

Part of me and my decisions

You are the emotion that thawed

Me. Broke the shackles of Hell

And fire and guilt

You are my love. My heart

My soul.

Embrace me now and we shall

Die wrinkled and aged

Entangled in each other forever

I need to find you

In my dreams

To embrace you

Feel your lips against my ear

I need to feel you breathe into me

Life and hope

I need you to put your arms around me

And rock away the pain and guilt and regret