All Friends Lost and Found
‘How are you?!’ for the eightieth time
Or should I be more creative this time, perhaps,
draw the constellation of your face
across the night sky outside my window;
your smile a little too big and bent to the left,
Indeed I’ve been juggling the right phrases all evening,
unearthing all the words that would stab you on the chest until you bleed awareness and conscience.
But before that let me lift you up by the ribs,
and put you into the attic of our golden days together,
those afternoons we ended up on the hood of an old, rusty car
where we debated conspiracy theories
about the end of the world.
No wonder you easily forgot me as you had your shoulders constantly
in parallel with the horizon,
your eyes eager for the turn of the twenty-first century
as I sat there taking my time in studying your face.
But you forgetting me is not the root of my agony
for I just wonder about my letters, those reservoirs of
memories we harbored together
losing their way within the vacuum of your silence;
those that take the shape of origami boats--some floating aimlessly at the middle of a calm ocean,
some consumed steadily by quicksand in a desert,
yet all the same,
each slowly slipping away as I speak
and as you keep on chasing after the illusions of Future.
Still, as I stand here wondering if you will ever reply to my letters
or find me in the chaos in your head,
I’m never short of desperation,
as you can see from the torn oregano which I had placed in between the folds of this last letter—
its familiar scent sparking your curiosity
like a tragic cliffhanger to a story about me, and you, forgetting.
#friendship #forgetting #forget #love #friends #remember #relationship
Across the Universe
I remember the first night you held my hand—
our bodies, still wet from a swim,
lied down side by side on a beached boat:
two separate parallel lines
steadily sailing across time and space.
Yet you, my love, bridged your world to me:
your moon-bathed fingers slid through
the spaces of my hand,
and like a conqueror to a foreign isle,
it was your warmth that gathered all things
pure and unquiet
to leap up to my small body,
to climb up to my parted lips.
How I became aware of my own heartbeat,
my lengthen breaths,
my tiniest pulsations,
wary of the extent of the Earth beneath
or the abyss of the galaxies in front of us:
the stars which were burning their cores
to light the path of your gaze—
those tiny mirrors of infinity reflecting back
all my coming days with you:
vibrant, joyful, mysteriously sweet.
So forgive me, my love, if somehow I have
missed all the cues for a first kiss
for I was too busy decoding an emotion
so strange I had mistaken your silhouette
as an extension of the horizon behind you:
as if your soul was impenetrable,
as if you were a prized treasure
planted by God on a mythical island
never to be touched by me nor by anyone.
Nonetheless, by the moment you held my hand
on that boat, under the crescent moon
you already knew the answer to an
unspoken question
when you have chosen to sail away with me
hand in hand
across the universe;
that moment which never ends,
that moment I fell deeply in love with you.
Names, the Filipino Way
No—Hollywood is definitely not the first
to tweak the standard system for names!
Beyonce’s Blue Ivy, or Kim K’s North West
will surely become overrated once you land
in the streets of Manila and meet a horde of Junjun’s
—either all are ‘Junior’s’ or some are ‘June’s’
or find that most Filipino nicknames
are, indeed, meant to be repeated twice:
for instance, a Mark is Makmak, a Jennifer is Jenjen,
a Katrina is Katkat, a John is Janjan
and yes, a Frederick can be…you got it!
(Must be a double Dick.)
‘+ng’ ending is also a centuries-old tradition:
a Pedro is Pedring, a Carmina is Mining
a Linda is Indang, a Dominic is Dodong
the incoming president Rodrigo is Digong
(oh just give me a name, and I’ll give the variation!).
But for parents who are much more creative,
combining the first two patterns is a nice way
to make sure that their kids' names would
literally ring in everyone's head—
For males: DingDong for a doorbell feel,
and if you ask for more, take Bongbong Marcos.
or the celebrities, Bing Loyzaga and Bong Revilla.
For females: Bangbang is highly acceptable,
so as Ningning or Tingting (for a pixie dust effect),
and the more organic, Potpot, Winwin and Bumbum.
Another pattern, the ingenious ‘H’ coding—
like my father, a Wilfred nicknamed Boy
(for some reasons as plain as the word sounds)
which, if written down, should be spelled as ‘Bhoy’
while Imelda, my mom, would be Mhel
along with the other, Dhoy, Mhay, Vhic and Nheng.
Not to mention the inexplicable obsession
of some fathers over the word ‘Boy’ for their boys:
Sammy Boy, Louie Boy, Honey Boy, and Teddy Boy.
Or some mothers over the word ‘Mae’ for their girls:
Krissa Mae, Cathy Mae and Jessel Mae.
How about a name from several names?
Geography, and religion can serve as inspiration:
Luzviminda, from the three main islands
(Luzon, Visayas and Mindanado),
and the holy Jejomar from Jesus, Joseph and Mary
but if the parents are really, deeply religious,
the second child is probably a Jelveme
(or Jesus Loves Me).
Still, you can’t help but ask why and where
the other half of the population got their names,
those which never adhere to any style or pattern
like Brod Pete, Ketchup, and senator Joker Arroyo,
or a boy named Bimby whose aunt is Ballsy.
Or question the trend among sentimental couples
who would soon make their growing kids wonder:
a Jan Eleven, a May Seven, an August Twelve
(which are all ‘special’ days—that’s for sure!)
an Italy, a Maine, or the sisters, Joy, Glad and Happy
a Henceforth, a Crack, a Lord Voldemort,
an ABCD, an XYZ, and a DoReMi
or can you stay serious with a man called Babe?
How about a mother named Spaghetti ’88
who has Cheese Pimiento for a baby?
Eternal, Fiction
The darkness was already filled with noises of evil when James walked into the barn. He could barely make sense out of everything in front of him at first, but soon, he would find the two shadows moving violently against the stacks of hay bales...two people who barely noticed that the door was ajar and someone was moving very slowly into the view:
'Brother?!’ James could have uttered the word with conviction and fury. He could have ran for the baseball bat inside the house, could have swung it hard against the devil’s body: thrice on the legs, and once on the head. He could have allowed the beast’s blood to seep into the cold ground where it belongs. Oh yes, he could have done all these, he thought! But, poor him! James' intense shivering cut through his bones even before he could move a muscle.
‘I can’t…oh God, I can’t…But…why can’t I?’ His thoughts were blown out of proportion when his eyes finally landed on the girl—this girl whom he deeply loved. This girl who just spat on all the years that they shared together. '
'How could you...'
James could have asked her the right questions. He could have done the right thing. But, he just stood there, stupidly, staring at them, his mind steadily drifting across and shrinking into the abyss of confusion.
‘But I love her,' James whispered to himself, before turning around to escape, ‘This is just a nightmare.’
You, Silence and I
You.
You love me with your lips stitched shut.
You love the way I listen to you
whenever you teach me silence,
when you put your sweet sighs
across my mouth
and cradle my body into a dark corner
where I can breathe you in from afar.
That love which speaks through your eyes
tilted an inch away from mine.
While the rest of the world
can easily put those words into words,
you stay calm and modest
amidst your unspoken flames of emotions,
those which smoke away from a smile
or from a glance which carouses
in that place within me
where the other lovers can never visit.
I.
I love you with my ears only for the unheard.
I love that kind of love you rarely confess
through the smallest actions
done by your greatest strength
and even those cruel ones
within your depths I may never know.
Well, if in case, you would let me,
let me bury it down as a tiny seed
which will rise from the dirt
as a lovely white rose.
For even if you don't speak,
I will always hear you
through the hushes of the wind
that blow and warm the fringes of my hair.
I will listen to you the way the other lovers
will never do.
But if this love must vanish in total darkness
and be drowned in all the noisy revolts
which sins had cast,
or this envious world would turn tables
and all our memories had to lie,
remember
that as long as there is You and I,
you will be the Earth beneath my feet
who holds all dear in my life
and I will be living and feeding from you
as our silence
grows and grows
into forever.
We who never speak but listen.
Gray
Gray is the color of my sad heart
which nurtures a love that yearns
but never speaks
growing even colder than a stone
whenever I start walking in the rain.
It is the color of infinity,
the sound of deafening silence
along the straight road
the color of everything tasteless,
the face of a universe
which does not bear your name.
It is much like how I will call myself
if you leave me for nothing
and let me be stranded within
this color without color,
this existence without life.
Know Me
Never ever use the words 'me, too'
whenever I talk sadness with you
or play a song that reduces my hurt
into a sand particle trapped in the eyelids.
For sadness to me is a tangible entity,
a companion, a friend,
a traitor, a bully,
a mocking voice in the coils of my sanity,
commanding me to beat myself up
without seeking my permission.
So whenever I talk sadness with you,
or crawl and weep in front of you
never ever use the words, 'me, too'
or laugh or sigh at what I say or do
Just hold my hand, and let me cry
Just listen to what I never say
Song of Waiting
Doubts never end and stay unclear
my love remains in mist
Nothing is real and concrete here
in this dance we enlist
But with your grin I feel so sure
your curved up lips is zeal
Amidst the truth that is obscure
from your glance all will heal
So here I am now and again
and love you from afar
I shall never despair from then
and breathe from where hopes are
So rain on me the dread in time
forge pleasure at the most
See all my tears be out of rhyme
let me dance with your ghost
Then I will not reflect once more
what will and what should be
Such silence was the bliss I wore
misguided let me be
For I will love you all alone
I need your sympathy
I shall have faith for the unknown
All for eternity
Immortality
You know I'm strong.
Even if you can't do this, I'll be strong.
The ocean is still an ocean,
the sky is still a sky
But an ocean without its horizon
a sky full of dark clouds.
My world is still here though.
There is still the dark mist that hides the sky,
and the huge grey cliffs which bury all the directions,
the sun, the moon and its stars.
There is still the stillness in the ravens' call.
The heavy waves still roll
and drown my white naked feet on the shore.
And I know I still exist. I still walk and breathe.
Partly breathe, but it doesn't matter.
For I still can and that's what should be.
Even if you're like this for the next decades,
for you I will always be strong.
But please, be still. Stay as far as you're near.
Let those eyes be as empty as they are.
Dark, distant, a stare of nothingness, I don't care.
We are both blind anyway.
And I am always kind.
Even when I know
you are not behind your skin when I touch you,
I won't complain. I can't feel anything either.
As long as you stay with me like this forever,
in this island where there's no night or day,
Even when you're just a ghost, unfeeling, soundless,
staring straight at the grey, hushed waters,
I won't let myself know you are.
Even when your heart had already crossed this isle
and left me for another,
as long as your body, your face,
your unsmiling face, is here,
you are mine.
Mine.
Even if I know that you being here is a lie,
as long as I can still sleep on your silent bosom,
and I can still lean on your cold arms,
you will always be adorned, and worshiped.
And I will keep my head like this on your lap
as I stare at the white sky, watch and taste
your dry mouth from the splashes
of the rushing waves,
then feel the thin silhouette of your face,
your hands, your feet, your chest, your hair,
your soul from all the shadows around me.
These feelings are immortal
and I have already immortalized you,
here, in this isle,
where I am always strong.