I deserve more

He is going through the motions

Acting out a relationship

But seeing, being nothing

Not present, not connected

I deserve more

He is reading from the script

Saying what people say

Doing what people do

No sincerity, just a nervous laugh

I deserve more

This is only a facade

I am here alone but with him

He is somewhere else

I deserve more

He stands in the middle of a storm

And doesn’t feel the wind

He doesn’t take me seriously

He thinks it will pass

He thinks he can wait it out

That I will die down into submission

That I will be gentle and forgiving again

That things can be the same

He thinks this is a phase, a mood, a bad day

That I will let myself down like before

That I will settle for less as I always have

That I will cave into his arms

He thinks I will forget myself

That I will keep being his

And we will keep being this

That nothing has changed

But everything has changed

I am lost to him because doesn’t see

He doesn’t see that this is real

That I am gone.

He can’t, he won’t

I am lost to him

I don’t know why I cut my hands

On all this jagged glass

Sifting through the broken things

That should stay in the past

I don’t know why I starve for things

That will not feed my soul

Or why I fill these spaces up

With what won’t make me whole

I don’t know why I play this part

Predictable and dull

Just another empty thing

Pretending to be full

I will carry the heavy things for you

I will load them on my back and trudge into the night

I will look away when the seams begin to burst

I will pretend that I don’t see the good parts falling out

I will set my own things down to make more space, to free up the muscle, to get a better grip and carry this for you

I am strong

I am capable

I am the culmination of struggle and ambition existing simultaneously

Each moment bursting forth violently like starved lungs

Gasping for air

Grasping for surface

I am formidable

I am sharp

I am dangerous and afraid, loud, shrill

Saying much and nothing

Seeking out wars while longing for kind comfort and gentleness

Deposing reason

Opposing forces

I am a contradiction, a stranger, a paradox

I am fragile

There is no road backward

But I can deconstruct the damage

I can break the years into pieces

I can renovate and redesign

There is no road backward to where I began

But I can uncover that beginner

She is unburying herself

Crawling out from beneath the debris

Breaking apart the walls from inside

You see, I have never owned this doubt, this fear, this comfort in complacency

These things do not belong to me

In this vibration

I shake apart and become light

For I have learned that I must only carry what is mine.

Where the darkness is

I’ll be lost in it

Where none dare to go

Buried here below

Freely falling, falling slow

Down I, Down I, Down I go

No monsters, no monsters here

No monsters, no monsters here

Where the night is deep

Only brave things keep

Where your eyes can’t see

That’s where I will be

Fearless, fearless all alone

Down I, Down I, Down I go

No monsters, no monsters here

No monsters, no monsters here

My life would be so much easier if I agreed to seeing myself the way everyone else does.  

If I could just make myself believe that I am small and insignificant...

That I am not intelligent or exceptional or talented.  

If only I could I agree that I am one of many...

That I don't have any special purpose or brighter shine.  

How is it even possible after a lifetime of villains and a message of my inadequacy forced upon me by many and at every age that I can still hold myself in such high regard?

My opinion of my value, my abilities and my character has never been mimicked from some outside force.

No one else has ever loved me as kindly and unconditionally as I do.

My worth has never been validated by another human being ever in my life.

But somehow I have inherently known that I am immensely valuable for as long as I can remember.

Never has there been enough power in the judgment or cruelty of others to alter my opinion of myself.

I love me.

That is permanent.

Won't show my soul just tow the load

What I know keep low I go, I grow

Head up not down the truth my crown

You lost I'm found without a sound

My mind unwinds unhides lies die

Inside untied eyes wide not blind

Words hurt first your words your slurs

Truth feels worse we're done I'm cured

Lips curled but your tongue is wicked

Syllables whispered malicious

Kind concern that switches vicious

My name tastes fucking delicious

Spit your lies without regret, disloyalty I won't forget

Poke and push but all you'll get

Are stressless breaths from lips at rest 

Manipulation long unchecked

I've seen your best, I’m not impressed

Syllables whispered malicious 

You're the villain, now I get it

One of many petty bitches 

Freedom tastes fucking delicious