i never met you.

i wish i met you.

you were ripped from me so quickly that i never had time to think about what you were doing to me

and now that the years have passed and i am still alone

i still miss you.

i still love you.

hi little brother or sister

it's me, your big sister

the person who needs you most at this moment in her life

and should have been there to say

"no don't do that"

"no you can't do that"

"no we need him or her in our lives"

but i was just 10 years old.

i was too scared to speak and too naive to understand that by being quiet, I was losing someone so precious

i hope you understand.

i love you little brother or sister.

and i'm so sorry.

When I was little, I said "princess"

And they laughed because it was cute.

When I got older, I said "The President"

And they smiled because I could dream big.

When I was 10, I said "doctor"

And they said that I was dreaming too big.

When I was 12, I said "engineer"

And they said I wasn't good enough.

When I was 13, I said "engineer"

And they said that I wouldn't make money.

When I was 14, I said "engineer"

And they said to be realistic.

When I was 15, I said "I don't know anymore"

And they said to figure it out.

When they ask me now, I say "happy"

And they laugh at me because they think it's cute.

Today, a man asked me:

"How are you?"

instead of replying:

"Good"

like I always tend to lie, 

I answered with the truth:

"I don't know."

He asked me:

"Are you depressed?"

No one has seemed to notice.

I am slowly losing myself,

collapsing and breaking

into a million pieces of glass

except no one acknowledges,

my internal bleeding

or the scars that I hide

beneath the sleeves of my fabric.

I wanted to breakdown

and cry into that stranger's arms

but I could not. 

He noticed.

Dear Santa,

I know you're probably my uncle in disguise giving the kids some cute amusement, so will the real Santa Claus please stand up, please stand up.

Ok, now that we got that out the way....

Dear Real Santa, 

Since you are a magical being, I would like you to freeze the world in time and I'd like to walk around in the blissful peace that follows. Please let me travel by reindeer and appreciate all the places around the globe. And after this, let me jump into all the books in the world and live out its scenes and adventures. I, I think that would be fun. I could really grow as a person. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Someone who doesn't want to be a bother.

On a snowy night in Ithaca, two coated figures stood on the platform watching the taillights of the next to last bus pull away. 

"You've got to listen to the voice inside you."  One pulled something out of his coat pocket as he turned to the other, a younger man, and continued. "If you think Cornell is it, we'd love to have you and we'd do a lot of good.  It's not an easy decision you have, but remember that some of the greatest things happen by accident."  He presented the object in his hand and looked at the sky as if to catch a glimpse of stars beyond the clouds.  "Got a light?" 

The young man looked at the object and back to his companion's face.  "Is this a test, sir?" 

"What? Oh, no.  Just a way to pass the time until your bus.  We grow it in the back garden."

The young man's expression changed quickly from surprise to amusement as he fished a matchbook from his back pocket.  "All right, well I just want you to know I would never do this in the lab or before class or anyth-"

"Neil, it's all right.  May I?"

He lit it, rolling the tip through the bright match flame before bringing it to his lips.  The ember glowed like the receding taillights as the men passed it wordlessly, watching snow flakes settle softly to the earth in long, straight paths.

"They kind of look like stars passing if you squint."  Neil made his eyes into slits as he drew in smoke.  He let out slow, misty breath.  "When I was a kid, on snowy days I would stand in the yard looking straight up, pretending I was flying through space. Wouldn't come in for hours, drove my mom crazy. 'Why don't you play?'  She'd say, 'build a snowman!'  But I was playing." 

Carl gave a soft laugh. "Playing at meeting your distant physical relatives, more distantly related than anything we can know here on earth.  Even most meteorites come from our own system." 

"That's right! People don't even realize their connection to animals, much less the sun or any other suns."  He felt suddenly embarrassed.  Who was he to affirm Sagan? 

"Similar ingredients, different pots."  Carl grinned, examining the blunt in his hand.  "We are the universe smoking itself."

Neil breathed a short laugh and Carl stepped off the platform towards his car, pausing to look up through snow. 

"Hey, you're right.  Call me if your bus doesn't come."