i have a friend from high school

who keeps visiting war torn countries

to save dogs

and do yoga

and i see the photos of sun salutations

and lattes

and posts about how gross the air is

and how the people are rude

and dirty

and sometimes i think

i should reach out

but i don’t know where to start

and then i think

well,

i’m probably an alcoholic, so,

who am i to criticize

active members of a community

not to mention

half of our graduating class

has either OD’d

or been to rehab

so maybe poverty tourism

and white savior complexes

are excusable by comparison

i never reach a conclusion

i never reach out

i open a bottle of prosecco

95 pesos at Costco

and look out over the Mexican sunset

passing another day

under the umbrella

of trying to

“figure it all out”

The flowers he carried looked out of place against the backdrop of the brown wooden benches sparsely filled with men in expensive suits sitting with their flustered looking clients. They were inexpensive grocery store flowers. I must have gasped because my lawyer looked at me, then followed my gaze. He leaned down. "I'd rather he brought the child support," he said, sotto voce. Trance lifted, I blew out a laugh.

By the time we were called to the front, the flowers had wilted, but he handed them over to me anyway, a few petals fallling to the floor. The bushy raised eyebrows on the judge embarrassed me. "I've read the complaint," he said nodding at me, his voice deep and echoing. "Do you dispute the charges?" he asked, looking at my exhusband. He didn't even have the humility to look ashamed. "I do not." The judge picked up his gavel. "Then I rule in favor of the plaintiff. $13,463 plus legal fees."

I blinked, stunned. Was it that simple? Could it be over?

"We'll garnish wages," the Judge told his clerk. "$600 biweekly, in addition to regular child support." The clerk nodded. "For two years. Arrest warrant if there are any future missed payments." The gavel hit the desk and the clerk nodded at us.

"Thank you, Judge," my lawyer said, steering me by the elbow toward the door. I caught my exhusband's eye and furrowed my brow, trying to send him telepathic messages. "Do what's right," I begged him in my mind. "Stay out of jail. Be a father."

He didn't do any of those things.

- I realized I was lost

- I began eating raw fish

- I made finding myself an active choice

- I ate bell peppers, a cucumber, and hummus almost every single day

- I created my own hope

- I gained 4 pounds. It was hard work to gain weight in a healthy way. I am so excited and proud of this success.

- I loved my job.

- I let people down

- I began bouldering

- I broke somebody’s heart

- I worked up to a deadlift @ 175 pounds for three sets of 15.

- I discovered what my purpose is at this point in my life.

- I learned to be content immeasurably more than I was depressed, angry, self deprecating, anxious, and confused - combined.

- I loved myself

- I lied sometimes.

- I loved the people in my life

- I repaired a violin

- I forgave myself

- I was seen, truly, and loved.

- I practiced gratitude as much I practiced yoga (which is not quite enough tbh)

- I made good, genuine, friends.

- I struggled to make choices I would feel good about

- I began eating tofu

- I went camping, dancing, and hiking more in the past year than in the past 5 years combined.

- I advocated for myself.

These are just the beginning of the journey I am on to a make a place healing, peace, and fulfillment within myself.

The journey will last as long my life, and I am grateful for this.

Reading back over this list helps me realize how much I can actually do with the time that I have in this life.

I intend to continue finding things and people that bring me meaning, to create my own meaning.

If you read this list, write your own. Write all of those things you did last year that you find noteworthy be they good, bad, or in between.

I get the notion that a lot of people refuse to believe happiness is a choice, in part because they feel like that then means they've been choosing to be unhappy most of their lives, and they can't/wont accept that-- when in reality you can't make a choice you don't really know/accept is a real choice you can make.

I get the notion a lot of people cling to the biblical God and savior story because part of them doesn't want the responsibility of having total control over the experiences in their life-- because like the above notion, they feel like that would mean they've been living a lie their whole lives and they refuse to even think on the topic-- when in reality belief is always truth to the believer and believing a new thing doesn't stop making the old belief true in its time. I also get the notion a lot of people cling to the bliblical God because of "the price for not believing" and ... "safe than sorry and all that." This was me once.

I get the notion that I'm going to live for a really, really long time and in that time, I'm going to experience life after the use of money/profit. I also get the notion that I'm going to experience life after "God." And perhaps my most favorite personal notion is the one that in my lifetime, I'm going to experience that, "World Peace, one Personal Peace at a time."

I get the notion there will be much more wars though not entirely the way our past has shown us-- I get a really strong notion there will be plenty of us knowing/believing in the power of our, "can't touch this" usness. Which is to say that there will be enough of us with the vibrational will power to... in arguably fantastical terms... put up a vibrational bubble of saftey, where those of the warring vibrational energies litterally wont be able to touch us; not with their bodies, not with their machines, not even with their intentions.

I get the notion that there is truth in all of my notions yet a certain level of distortion keeps me from feeling strongly enough about them to call them anything but notions.

another_proser

I use to dance with anger , we’d skipped to the beat of my heart , we use to tango with my tongue , we use to forget the moves and make it up as we go .. I use to dance with anger and sometimes more than often ... I miss the tempo only rage knows

----------------------------------------------

-Afraid of angry - because it reminds of being too black , too woman ... writes across my forehead monster , it's a word I try to distant myself from

#ifoundmymusic

ipickedupthepenonmytravelsaroundthewrld

I’ll never know

if we got married

and had kids, their names:

Sam,

Rose,

and Mar.

I’ll never know

whether or not you loved me,

or if you just hung around for my body.

I’ll never know

If we became close friends,

not caring that we were once lovers.

I wish I knew

how you were really doing,

I wish you would have told me.

I wish I knew

more about you,

I wanted to memorize you like I memorized every word of my favourite song.

I wish I knew

every thought you had

so that I could understand why.

I know

I can’t ever know any of this,

but I’ll always wonder.

I know

I can’t make you come back

but I want you to.

I know

I can’t change the past

but knowing that never helps.

I wish I knew why you killed yourself,

I wish I knew why you would leave me,

I wish I knew what I could have done.

But knowing can’t always help.