While I have male genitalia, this story is not genitalia related- it is about pain.

I had a gall stone get lodged in my pancreatic duct. Many people have no idea what a pancreas does- it is not one of the glamorous organs like the heart or lungs. The pancreas serves two functions: it secretes insulin to keep your blood glucose levels in check, and it secretes digestive enzymes.

It's the digestive enzymes that are the kicker.

With the gall stone effectively corking the pancreas closed, the enzymes remained lodged in the pancreas. There they did what digestive enzymes do, and began digesting the pancreas.

I was cannibalizing myself.

The pancreas, for some bizarre reason, has a lot of pain-sensing nerve endings. As a result, according to the internet, Acute pancreatitis is one of the most painful things a human being can endure- more painful than childbirth.

It started in the evening, and just felt like a cramp, or a bad case of gas. As the night progressed, the pain got worse and worse till it was unbearable. It was like, well, acid in my internal organs. Like millions of tiny rats chewing my insides. The pain radiated from my abdomen through all of my nerve endings like lightning.

My father lived in the same neighborhood as me, only minutes away. I called him, and he drove me to the emergency room.

I'm sure you all know about triage. They are supposed to take the person in the most pain first. I was screaming, and doubled over, and practically having an epileptic fit, and all they cared about was my insurance card. It was the middle of the night, and while my insides were liquifing I did not think to bring my wallet.

So, I ran past the receptionist into the ward, and colapsed on the floor. I passed out from the pain. When I woke up, they had already performed surgery and removed my gallbladder and all the stones.

Then they told me I was dying.

They said I would not live more than a month because of the massive internal damage done by the enzymes. My insurance company wanted to move me to hospice to await my death. My doctor had to fight with the insurance rep for me to remain at the hospital. I went through all of the kubler-ross phases that an atheist can do, and ended on acceptance of my death. And then, I did not die.

I was hospitalized for a month, and I got better, kind of. After the acute pancreatitis I now have chronic pancreatitis. I need to take enzyme pills when I eat, and I am now diabetic. At least I'm alive, and have been for the past eight years since it happened.

The moon was glued

to shroud of clouds

misplaced in blue dawn

I knew I was lost, adrift

unable to elevate the sun

and rip open the dark curtains

of the black unyielding sky

the woman in me

vanished, unable to breathe

tarnished life without spirit

hopes and dreams, dripping

listless wax on heart

listening to screeching sounds

of worn out soul

skin opened to empty space

hanging on by dangling thread

drawn into hollow echoes

boots adrift on a dusty trail

unable to embrace rain

with outstretched palms

but sunshine follows

even the darkest nights

as light looms

through shadows

of loss.

Toby saw it first but he did not have the words. He raised his chubby fists above his head and hooted in delight.

Marcus glanced up from his book. "Look at the moon," he said in surprise. He stood and leaned over the sill, his nose almost touching the cold glass.

Lucy stared at the glowing orb. It was here. The thunder moon. Her 8/8/8 portal. Too soon. Much too soon.

"I've never seen..." Marcus stared at his wife's empty chair. "Lucy? Luce?"

But Toby knew. His wails pulled painfully at his mother's heels as she ascended into the portal.