It's your friend

while your uterus tries

killing itself

from the inside out.

"PSM," that's what it is

getting high off the pills

you down just to feel sane.

Don't mind the bloating

I'm just pregnant from the salts

I've forced down my maw

$0.99 potato chips

the dollar store is your friend.

Don't mind the Moses

stepping into the Nile River

that drowns your senses

leaves you limping

clutching your stomach

writhing in the sheets

eggs are dropping

it's only a matter of time

before the week's up.

(*What timing for this deadline, having just gotten my period… Though that’s not what prompts me to write. My "time-of-the-month" comes and goes…there’s a trail of blood… no one knows… I don’t obsess, I don’t pms… I’m lucky I suppose. The occurrence is of no consequence in the physical realm, though it provides plenty on which to reflect. I am skimming over, in this write, some obvious issues associated with this theme: Is menstruation a curse? Why do “civilized” women particularly suffer it? Why is childbirth easier for “primitive women” than for modern ones? I’m skipping over these questions to examine the strange coupling of male / female inquiries offered in the challenge question itself. I hope no one will interpret it as a personal affront… I take this as it is: an opportunity for further examining various lines of thinking… particularly those appearing to be seeped in misandry/ misogyny.)

The Challenge prompts us to consider extremes of pain, segregated by gender experience. I immediately pause at the psychological aspect of it, the whole context… The incidents proffered have very different bases. While a comparison is not being “asked for,” it is implicitly already drawn! The suggestion being that for each party, the worst possible gender-specific pain is to be imagined… For men, selected is not just an assault against their person, but against “manhood.” For women, the pain is of an internal biological nature. It is not an act of violence in-and-of-itself, but rather forbearance, tied in with considerable social esteem… although the contempt/ sense of punishment, which women tend to attribute to it may make it seem like an assault even though it obviously isn’t one.

Somehow this seemingly non-confrontational challenge manages to irk me terribly, raising the specters of serious underlying problems in our society pertaining to male/female inequity. I note an in-between-the-lines narrative that forms in the framing of the challenge: …Ladies, describe menstruation and/or the Pain of childbirth; Gents describe what it feels like when someone kicks you in the source of that pro-genitive Pain.

Giving birth? What does it feel like? 

Ok... So...

You know that feeling you have when you're bound up in your bowels and you haven't gone in days and your whole lower half is one big ball of containment and bloating and fullness and just-get-it-out(!)ness and you have a constant desire to push but nothing happens?

Then after several hours of that, maybe imagine that your insides are trying to remake themselves, flipping and turning and turning themselves inside-out and outside-in and back again. And it feels as though your innards are being ripped and torn and mauled and kneaded by a giant gut-kneading monster who thinks your inner pelvis is made of Play-doh, right?

Multiply that by 5. Again. Again. Now by 2. Now by 5 again. Now double it.

That's ALMOST what being in labor feels like.

Who hasn't wanted to wake up to a small pool of their own blood in their bed?  Getting heavy periods are just one horse's head short of a mob movie; mourning family (in the form of an unfertilized egg), occasional social nastiness, some good food, and blood.  

And earth-shattering, debilitating cramps that make you swear you're dying.

While I have male genitalia, this story is not genitalia related- it is about pain.

I had a gall stone get lodged in my pancreatic duct. Many people have no idea what a pancreas does- it is not one of the glamorous organs like the heart or lungs. The pancreas serves two functions: it secretes insulin to keep your blood glucose levels in check, and it secretes digestive enzymes.

It's the digestive enzymes that are the kicker.

With the gall stone effectively corking the pancreas closed, the enzymes remained lodged in the pancreas. There they did what digestive enzymes do, and began digesting the pancreas.

I was cannibalizing myself.

The pancreas, for some bizarre reason, has a lot of pain-sensing nerve endings. As a result, according to the internet, Acute pancreatitis is one of the most painful things a human being can endure- more painful than childbirth.

It started in the evening, and just felt like a cramp, or a bad case of gas. As the night progressed, the pain got worse and worse till it was unbearable. It was like, well, acid in my internal organs. Like millions of tiny rats chewing my insides. The pain radiated from my abdomen through all of my nerve endings like lightning.

My father lived in the same neighborhood as me, only minutes away. I called him, and he drove me to the emergency room.

I'm sure you all know about triage. They are supposed to take the person in the most pain first. I was screaming, and doubled over, and practically having an epileptic fit, and all they cared about was my insurance card. It was the middle of the night, and while my insides were liquifing I did not think to bring my wallet.

So, I ran past the receptionist into the ward, and colapsed on the floor. I passed out from the pain. When I woke up, they had already performed surgery and removed my gallbladder and all the stones.

Then they told me I was dying.

They said I would not live more than a month because of the massive internal damage done by the enzymes. My insurance company wanted to move me to hospice to await my death. My doctor had to fight with the insurance rep for me to remain at the hospital. I went through all of the kubler-ross phases that an atheist can do, and ended on acceptance of my death. And then, I did not die.

I was hospitalized for a month, and I got better, kind of. After the acute pancreatitis I now have chronic pancreatitis. I need to take enzyme pills when I eat, and I am now diabetic. At least I'm alive, and have been for the past eight years since it happened.

Having cramps is a different kind of pain than getting some kind of cut, getting hurt some way by accident or on purpose. To me it's different in the way that it's almost like a good kind of pain but at the same time I wish the pain never comes.

Whenever I am on my period it's never a pleasant thing for me, or any other girl who has it. I just want to lay in bed, eat some sweets, lay under the covers, and wish for the pains to stop.

But the pain, sometimes unbearable, makes me long for someone to be in bed with me. For them to lay down with me and let me cuddle up into them. I long to have their arms wrapped around me with their hands just placed on my lower abdomen, maybe even softly rubbing soothing little circles over my skin. I would like to think that the person that I would be cuddled up to could just take the pain away.

The pain just by itself makes me dig my nails into the palms of my hands, sometimes my arms or thighs where it doesn't hurt that bad. But when I do that the pain is usually so bad that I'm digging my nails into my skin so hard I think I might break the skin. That usually does happen when I'm in school or I have nothing to take for the pain.

It just really sucks! This pain in my lower abdomen, which comes in waves, makes me more prone to snapping at someone over the smallest thing. It makes me want to sleep the day away so I don't feel the pain. I just want to stay in bed, sleep, watch movies, be in the dark, and watch movies with one to tell me what to do.

So I guess that's what the pain is like for me. Its just waves of pain that make me kind of sad and realize how lonely I feel.

"It's just a little cramp."

"It will only hurt a little"

"Take some Tylenol and everything will be alright"

No. Let me tell you something. You asked what a period feels like. You asked what the pain compared to. I'll tell you. It's unbearable. It's the pain that holds you back from doing the things you love. It's apart of you and never wants to let go. It's like a whining child constantly asking for attention. Instead of crying it hits and punches to the point that you can't get up. It brings you down. Keeps you home confined to your bed, and when your friend ask you if your OK, you just give them a look and they know. Some know the pain and some don't. You might not understand how it hurts us, if not from the pain of the period, then it's from the pain of the constant loneliness that we feel as someone rips our life apart for several days. It's torture beyond torture that makes murderers cry and makes death seem like child's play. It's the one friend that checks in on you every month that asks how you are going just so they can make it worse because they love to see you bleed, they are a bully. It's the one thing that makes you stronger in life and makes being a girl one of my favorite things. So when they say take Tylenol I'll say I don't need it. 

"Give me a real challenge" 

And so they did and I passed everyone under my feet. 

Pt 1: Standing

I clutch the side of the counter and curse under my breath. My vision blurs a little and I start seeing white spots. (Does anyone else do this when they are about to pass out?) I focus on my breathing and pray no one notices. God help me if someone asks what’s wrong. 

Pt 2: Sleeping

I woke from a horrible nightmare once where I was being stabbed, feeling the blade slide in under my stomach. Thank goodness I woke up to... feeling like I was being fuckin’ stabbed and peeing at the same time.

Pt 3: Sitting

I can’t stand. My legs feel like jello. I can barely sit. Everything down there aches and sitting feels like a metal bar is being shoved up... yeah. 

Pt 4: Shower

The water’s cold, but I’m worried I’ll ruin the mat and maybe the floor if I get out...

Please tell me again why it’s irrational for women to be a little cranky sometimes.

Hey there, random proser. I have a question for you, which varies based on your genetalia (you'll understand why in a moment; I promise I'm not sexist.)

If you are biologically female, describe what a period cramp feels like. Or, if you have given birth, describe the pain.

If you are biologically male, describe what it feels like when someone hits etc your family jewels.

I understand this will likely make people uncomfortable. But I feel like many people have trouble describing pain and also, as writers, we write about tons of gory topics or *crude* things and thus are used to this kind of stuff (at least I think we are and I know I am.)

Thanks for reading this and good luck.

And plz tag me in the comments so I may see :)

Pain shoots from the crotch

Blasts through the brain to the skyLike a child's murder