I walked the dog last night and felt you standing beside me, felt your warm hand completely envelope mine. I felt you nestle your prickly chin against my neck, having to bend down to reach me. I smiled. I miss you.

I know it’d be wrong to tell you how I feel. You’re so far away. You don’t have to be reminded of us everywhere you go, I don’t haunt you the way you haunt me.

I wish that I did. That you would pester me, you would promise me to be better, to come home. I want you to come home.

We agreed to silence, but I don't want that. I needed it, to get though it, to try and get over you. I ache, my chest hurts just remembering that you're not waiting for me in my bed. Knowing that I won't wake up next to you, that we won't drive to the beach together, that I'll face the cold alone.

I understand that you aren't who I always wanted you to be. That maybe one day you'll grow up, you'll realize what was wrong, why I hurt so much while we were together. I can't tell what is worse, the pain I had before or the pain I have now.

At least before I had you. Now I have nothing, the discomfort and loneliness I feel is something I feel all by myself.

Sometimes I wish you had made me hate you, that you had kissed someone else, made love to someone else, maybe to spite me or maybe just because you were lonely. It would be easier to forget you.

But I love you, you came first, and it's going to be difficult to let go of that.

I fear seeing you again. What if I hate the person you've become? What if the drugs have taken the person I knew? What if you are the person I had always thought you to be and I love you even more than I do now?

I don't want to apologize, for anything. I will not let myself apologize. You'll come home and maybe we'll be better than ever, maybe we will be worse, or maybe nothing will have changed. I will have to be okay with that. I will tell you the truth.

I love you, and that's not my fault.