wallpaper scratched down

bloody nails leave trails

on a ripped beige curtain

ignoring the dusty painting

in the corner of a room

no one will ever enter again

the piano shadows

muffle mouldy books and hidden loves

you suffocate as you walk into

oblivion

you choke on the lies

the vision burns your eyes

there is no beyond

there is nothing

you kneel and you beg for forgiveness

but you’re long gone

beyond redemption

cursed to perdition

the blood you drank

the people you killed

the cities you burned

the monster you became

burning touches

flames against bottles of alcohol

half-smoked cigars

lustful longing

impeccaby white shirts

against wine-stained rugs

wood cracking under your feet

now you can hear the screams

you're nothing beyond a memory, a ghost

I wonder, how come you became

the thing you despised the most?

I can’t help but

doubt my eyes

the numbers, the deaths

the neglect

the disgust

it’s been a very long time since I’ve felt like this

eyes dry longing to cry

something weighting down on my chest

falling, spiralling

Rio de Janeiro, the wonderful city,

where murders by the police never cease to rise

Salvador, the former city of joy,

its natural beauties now destroyed

I didn’t choose this

I didn’t vote for this

but the people chose this

Brazil chose this

is this what I am?

the blood running through my veins is

the same as the one of those

who fought for freedom but

the same as the one of those

who took it away

the ignorant blood

the manipulated people of

the Red Land

the ones who chose

doom

I am no saviour but

is it too hard to understand

I’m just trying to save myself

from this burden I bear

this burden I am

blood and mind

body and spirit

salvation but also

damnation

A dream that will need

All the love you can give

Everyday of your life

For as long as you live

Your voice breaks at the last word. You feel a lump in your throat, which seems to be stopping you from singing along. Your eyesight becomes blurry. You smile through the tears. You carry on with whatever is left of hope. Hope she'd get better. Hope she wouldn't notice your smiles becoming much more forced and much less frequent. You start to wonder whether you do it for her, or for you.

Something pulls you back to reality: a pair of small delicate hands pulling on your jumper. Don't do that, you hear her say. You nod and you stare. She was so beautiful. The song comes to its end. She seems tired. You climb on the bed and you lay next to her. She snuggles in and you kiss her forehead. A kiss-goodbye. Her eyelids flutter slowly shut as she displays a fainted smile across her features. Sleepy. Sloppy. Reckless. Stupid.

She was at peace, at last.

The lump in your throat climbs up and comes out, at first, as sobs. Of course, you try to keep them quiet, but you fail miserably at it. You don't let go, holding her tight, as if she had had a bad dream, only you were the one stuck in an endless nightmare. You lose track of time: it seemed to go by painfully slow and suddenly astoundingly fast. Her face disappears in the shadows as the sun begins to set.

The next thing you remember is being in a dark room, sitting on your bed, waking up and falling asleep. Day after day, week after week. Getting out of the bedroom reminded you of the things you tried so desperately not to remember. It sickened you to remember the smell of pancakes in the morning. It sickened you to remember how her laughter echoed through the house. It sickened you to remember the way her hands fit perfectly with yours. It sickened you to remember

she wasn't there anymore.

They had been friends for as long as they could remember. Running around at the age of 5 and playing in the rain at the age of 7. Braiding each other’s hair at the age of 9 and failing miserably at baking cookies at the age of 12. They were inseparable. It wasn’t unusual for people to mistake them for sisters. But after being isolated for a lot more than 40 days, they were more than happy to see each other again. It was supposed to be intimate, small, simple... The local park, why not?

The singing of birds as well as the fresh air wouldn’t be a bother at all, and those two had a lot of catching up to do. But it was a lot more than talking. It was looking into each other’s eyes. Feeling one’s hand against the other, or even better: each other’s heat against one another. The beating heart of a flame that had never faded.

So many thoughts. 

So many words

unsaid.

So many things

undone.

Still, they longed to see, to touch, to feel each other after so long. They shared a hug and didn’t know whether to let go and settle somewhere in the park or just stay there... feeling... each other. One of them whispered softly:

”I missed you.”

”Me too,” the other whispered back.

Their eyes locked in a soft, adoring gaze and refused to look away. Leave. Let go. They eventually laughed it off, something about the height difference, and went to laid out a picnic towel on the grass, putting what they had brought there. But the food almost went unnoticed: amber eyes were too busy searching for dark brown ones.

They lied on the grass, side by side. Talking a lot and eating a bit. Naming funny shaped clouds and tickling each other until both were breathless. They closed their eyes and breathed in. Fingers touched timidly. The smaller one, with amber eyes, suddenly asked, quietly, turning her head:

”Do you love me?”  

The other girl sighed.

”I know I’ve never said it,” she heard as she delved into sorry dark brown ones ”but it doesn’t mean I don’t care or that I don’t worry about you. Because I do.”

They knew. As sweet honey hazel fixated on dark brown, they knew. The eyes are the windows of the soul after all. The dark-eyed girl felt a warm hand on her cheek and she didn’t pull back. She had always wondered what it would be like. And then she felt soft lips against her own. The ones she had watched, imagined and dreamed about for years. She sighed into the kiss. And she stayed there, even though the other girl’s warmth faded away. She looked away towards the sky.

”I’m so sorry,” she said quickly, fear filled her voice, her breath exhilarated. Once she dared to look back at her friend (friend?), she was offered a small smile accompanied by furiously blushed cheeks. The contagious smile grew, slowly turning into laughter, and then both were laughing together, not quite meeting each other’s eyes.  

“Come here,” said the taller one eventually, gesturing so with her head. 

The other cuddled against her chest and they closed their eyes, holding onto each other, making sure they were both still there. And so they stayed, embracing each other, enjoying the warmth of their touching lengths and the steadiness of their breaths. Time stood still, and it couldn’t have choosen a better moment.

“I love you,” said the one with hazel-amber eyes without daring to meet dark chocolate ones.

“No one has never said that to me before,” said the other after a while.

The smaller one bit her lip, feeling stupid for even bringing it up. They stayed silent for a few moments, until she looked up. 

“I love how you make me feel loved... without ever saying it. Just by simple words and gestures... little things,” she clenched her jaw and looked away. ”Even though you don’t love me like that... and I’m probably not as smooth as you are,” she chuckled and looked at the girl once again ”I’d like to try to make you feel loved as much as you make me,” she said with a small smile. ”If you’ll let me, of course,” she added in a light-hearted tone.

The other one smiled back, looking thoughtful.

”And what if I love you too?”

Both their hearts stopped. Fear and, maybe, hope. Their heads were spinnning. What was happening?

A megawatt smile reached amber eyes.

”Well, I guess we’ll love each other together then.”