Before I die, I want to live.

Really live.

I desire a self-love so deep that I am truly proud to be who I am with no apologies.

I yearn for a strong love with a man

(or a woman, who knows the future me?)

I want to appreciate my existence

before I'm without it.

I want to breathe in the world and feel free.

Really free.

Not anxious of this situation or that event.

I crave that one moment, even just a single second,

of pure ecstasy.

Maybe one day.

I remember the day you asked me out

When I thought we'd be friends forever.

I really wanted to say yes, for you,

But I couldn't lie to you. Never.

Your sarcastic humor

Made me smile in the dark

But I guess I've never felt

That special spark,

Because in this moment

When I'm pressing send

I feel my whole world

Is caving in.

I'm letting you go

When I know in my heart

That when I reject you

Our worlds will part.

Cause when I look at you

And when you look at me again

It won't be the same

And you won't see me as a friend.

And I know now I'm angry

Because I feel so blind-sided

But you expressed your feelings

And for that, I'm excited.

You've got so much going for you,

I've noticed you've been in a drought.

But I know you'll have a love eventually

Better than I could give out.

And thanks for being there

When I've felt most alone.

You made my day from isolated

To welcome in your home.

And I know that ever since the day

I decided to hit 'send'

We've only exchanged glances

And you haven't been my friend,

But I forgive you for your emotions

As I slowly work on mine

You gave me all the courage in the world

And happiness, I hope you'll find.

So if I approach you

This coming fall

I hope it won't be

Awkward at all,

Because I really did love

Having you around.

I supported you,

And you made me feel sound.

And I miss your laugh.

And I miss your smile.

And I miss your words,

I've been needing them for a while.

Because what I've realized

Is in the end

Everyone needs

A true, best friend.

Thoughts process

Your words slowing

You're shutting down

Without the world knowing

And suddenly I realize

That death is real

And this is how grief

Is supposed to feel

A black, morbid veil

Covered your soul

As the grim reaper delivered

And they buried you whole

But I figure, I hope

That your passing wasn't dark

That someone took you from earth

Somewhere very, very far

And you didn't have to see

Our family's tears

And you didn't have to see

Our lives crumbling with fears

But I really do think

You're at that golden gate

In a perfect land of clouds

With a peaceful, clean slate

With an abundance of love

And endless sunset skies

And people running 'round

With forever hope in their eyes

And though I'm on earth

And I feel so alone

I wish you luck in the next life,

I hope you like your new home.

Snap

A picture

Of you and me

Snap

Of the family

We couldn’t be

Snap

I feel myself

Drowning now

Snap

Help me up

Don’t help me down

Snap

Our poor daughter

Lives in lies

Snap

She still thinks

Her father died

Snap

It’s your fault

You couldn’t come through

Snap

I miss myself

Next to you

Snap

Don’t blame me for

The secrets we keep

Snap

You took off

Cause you couldn’t sleep

Snap

You called our child

A mistake

Snap

Erased the memories

We can’t now make

Snap

I need to get you

Away

Snap

When I’m with you it

Never ends okay

...

Snap

A picture

Of you and me

Snap

Of the family

We couldn’t be

Snap

I’m drowning now

Sorry to leave you alone

Snap

You didn’t save me

But our daughter’s at home

Snap

I want to show you what’s inside of me, something that’s deeper than my heart.

I want to let you in but I don’t know where to start.

I want you to understand me.

The way I think, the way I move.

Understand why I make the decisions that I do.

I want you to know my deepest fears.

Understand what brings forth my tears.

And never second guess my motives because of wounds that never healed.

Just let me show you something deeper, it’s much deeper than us.

The deepest thing I have to offer, let me show you trust.

#WritingToStaySane #FeltLikeSharing #Introvert

The crash was sudden and before it happened I never could have imagined the possibilities. I hadn’t spoken to my mom in years, although I remembered the last conversation in great detail, the stark brightness of the memory almost hurt. And I never dreamed that I would talk to my mom after that fateful day. I remember sitting next to her and my dad on our couch where we had so many memories of laughter and movies and sleepless nights and I created a memory that would erase the rest of them. I had so many ways that I could tell them mapped out in my head but in the end I decided on simple.

“Mom, dad,” I had said, my voice shaking with nerves. “I’m gay.“

My mom had started crying and my dad hadn’t even waited for her to process. I don’t remember his exact words, just screaming and the imense fear that I thought I would never be able to shake. The next thing I knew I was on the street where I lived for a while, before finding a home for youth like me and moving on with my life. I’ve come to terms with all of it, with never speaking to my parents again. Even when my dad died some five years ago, I read his memior in the newspaper without even a word from my mother. And the few moments after I read the news stretched into years and now I rarely think about it.

That is, I didn’t think about it until the crash. Until I got that phone call, my mom was in the hospital, her memory completely wiped - she was helpless turns out I was her last living relative. And so I came to get her at the hospital and the next thing I knew I was taking care of her in my appartment the way she used to take care of me.

Fast foward two weeks - I couldn’t shake the sense of deja vu as we sat down on my small couch in my tiny appartment, it felt the same even though everything had changed.

”Mom,” I said, trying to keep that same old tremor out of my voic, “I’m gay.”

”Wonderful!” She exclaimed. She arose with a small laugh. “We’re out of milk, want to run out and get some with me?” She gave me a kiss on the head as she rose.

“Yeah, I’d love to. Thanks, Mom”

The simple word - ‘mom’, had never felt so amazing to say.