It changed, I was afraid of it.

I saw it coming, but you wouldn’t stop it.

I laid down all the things I needed.

The hammer, the nails, the wood.

There was no use.

The storm that came was violent and lonely.

It laid many to sleep.

Just as a random entry for anyone who may stumble into this read. I’ve recently started microdosing psilocybin (magic mushrooms).

What I️ mean by microdosing is taking very small amounts about 3-4 days apart in the morning before I️ start my day. And no, I️ don’t hallucinate, or feel goofy, or even giggle at everything. If you’ve ever had enough mushrooms, then you know exactly what I’m saying. You do feel different, but not in the way you might think, or even associate with how think you feel.

You feel this strange sense of calm. It’s beautiful actually. You also have this a great deal of energy. But not stimulated energy like from caffeine or sugar. It’s more relaxing and clean. It’s feels natural. But in a nutshell, it’s pretty rad, I️ appreciate the help it’s provided with the anxiety I’ve had for the past 6 months.

May not be your thing, and that’s cool. It’s had a positive impact with me.

I️ see the way you move, it’s a flame.

And I️ fear, I️ don’t understand, the way you dance inside my head.

So pull me, into the deep.

And I’ll hold my breath until you breathe again.

To truly forgive, I️ must be made anew.

I️ traded my water for salt.

I️ died of thirst, amidst an oasis.

I️ needed it, so I️ could rise up to show what you’ve awaken.

I wish I could tell you how I needed the same things. How it sucks that you did what you did, and even said what you said. I wish I could tell you how shitty it is that you get to say you still want this, but need space, while I’m possibly the most hurt I’ve ever been. I wish I could tell you how many times I could’ve done that to you, but couldn’t. Still can’t even in hindsight. I wish I could tell you even though I’m a man and I am somewhat stoic and passive, that I wish you would fight for me, instead of acting like it never happened. I wish I could tell you that your need for things, and acceptance, and fleeting momentary pleasures will be your greatest source of unhappiness. There a lot of things I wish I could do or say right now and before. But I am this person, I am who I am in this, not just for me, but mostly for you. Because you need me to be. I wish you could see that.

It’s not that I don’t want to.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to.

There is this certain palpable radiance when it happens.

It’s unexplainable, really.

Like a spiritual and sexual experience in a confluence....like converging chaotic rivers.

I wish it were easy to dissect.

It’s not.

You see, I understand this for what it is.

I see the moral tangibility to it all.

I see the aura in its hues of light to dark, yellow to red.

It’s not that I don’t know what i’m doing is wrong.

I know it is, I need it to be.

There is a symbiotic relationship between it being so wrong, but feeling so right.

It’s God-like, you know?

Life becomes contingent on my decision.

What I understand most is the human condition.

And how some people don’t deserve theirs.

Which is another pillar to my reasoning.

I don’t need any motivation, it’s my euphoria, my dopamine......my pleasure.

There is no anger associated to them.

I am methodical, and precise.

I leave nothing.

I don’t hide them because I don’t need to.

My profession allows me discretion, and the ability to quantify a carbon based life.

Quite lovely understanding chemicals and the bag of chemicals that is our bodies.

I am nothing glamorous.

I am quiet and unseen.

Extroverted enough to be loved.

Introverted enough to considered a madman.

I will say this, as I only have 13 minutes before I meet my next....victim if you want to call them that.

I have only one haunting aspect to all of this.

Their eyes.

I still see everyone of them.

I still see the shock and fear.

All 46 pairs, as clear as sunlight.

Every color, every shape.

In my dreams, in people I see on the street, when I close my own eyes.

I see them, incessantly, shaking sometimes in violent vibrations.

Truthfully, it may be my death one day.

And rightfully so.

They will come for me, they always do.

I will greet them as old friends coming to welcome me to my hell.

Uh oh, 13 minutes is up, I am meeting her at the corner coffee shop.

I am always early.

Number 47.

The truth will set you free.

But freedom won't come without a price.

It will come effortlessly, and will sink you into its deep.

The truth will set you free.

But not until its done with you first.

The truth will revel in your reticence.

It will attach itself to your thoughts.

It will test your confidence in yourself and people.

The truth will set you free.

Free to the malicious or benevolent side of yourself.

The truth is neither freind nor foe.

It will come to drown you or bring you air.

It hasn't the slightest persuasive intent or investment in your heart.

The truth will set you free.

Free to dance with your skeletons or with your dreams.

The truth will come in many forms.

It will come in shapes, shades, faces, and sounds.

It will come with with beauty of pain and with delight.

The truth will set you free.

With that rustic key, to free you from yourself, to be with you until the end.

Whatever your truth is, it will devour you, it will be perpetually devine.

It will be true, it cannot lie.

"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth" -Henry David Thoreau

No invention in my head, will ever construct peace out of casualty.

We are no longer quite ourselves, we've embraced the propensity in blasphemy.

Taken upon ourselves to stand for another mans society. I stood atop the mountain as they chanted the worlds eulogy.

The love of ideals is thriving, while the heart of man is dying.

So, there is a moment. The one that is portrayed in movies and stories. The one when you see someone and that's it! You just know. That is and isn't what happens here.

Somewhere in the holiday months of 2004 I was working at a Chinese restaurant. I was one of four American servers, of which I was the only male. Needless to say, it was a small place in a small town.

At the end of work one night, we closed up and I walked one of the other servers out to her car. We weren't dating, but we did occasionally sit out in one of our cars in the parking lot and make out. She was cool and it seemed like things were moving in the dating direction. Until this one night in particular.

I was walking my friend to her car and I was carrying my guitar. Which during slow downtime at work I would sit back in the corner and play. Plus, chicks dig musicians. As we got closer to her car, I noticed something move in her back seat. Under a blanket the was something or someone moving. I told her "someone is in you car!" She seemed surprised and nervous. I put my hand on the handle, rearing back my guitar as defense. When I heard two girls yell "don't hit us! It's us!"

Two girls got out of the car. Probably more surprised than we were. The first one I knew through some friends and had met previously. Then the other got out. There she was, you know, that moment.

I remember everything about it. I remember what she was wearing. The surprised, yet playful smile on her face. In that moment she seemed to float. Everything outside my view of her just became blurred colors, almost immaterial. The only thing I cared about at the moment was knowing who she was.

Just like that, she was gone. I'd lived in this town for seven years and never seen her. For all I knew didn't live anywhere near my town. I was wrong.

A year and a half later. I was in a somewhat serious relationship. She worked at Sonic drive-in with one of my best friends who was a manager. One night my girlfriend and I stopped by sonic for some drinks after a day of swimming. When our drinks arrived I looked up at the car-hop to pay her. It was her! It was that girl. I remembered her immediately, she remembered me too. We exchanged how are you's to each other, I paid for the drinks and we left. One week later my best friend said they needed cooks and offered me a job. I accepted without hesitation. I soon found out her name, Brittany.

The next 4 months we were able to get to know a little about one another. The playful work relationship turning to playful flirting. That turned into joking about what if you/I were boyfriend and girlfriend and what our favorite kid names were for future children. We both loved the boy name Max. We were both in relationships. Hers was a douchebag guy in the Navy and mine a very protective, watchful girl who worked with us. Then one night of playful flirting turned into a kiss we had both obviously wanted, judging by the passion and sincerity from both of us. At that moment in my life, I was for the first time %100 sure, she was my girl and will always be the girl I want. Fireworks do exist inside a kiss, they really really do. I broke up with my girlfriend that night, I was sure she would eventually do the same. But she didn't.

A few months later we were still very much doing the same things. I was the guy she always wanted her boyfriend to be. I was always surprising her with little sweet gestures. Telling her how beautiful she was, not just to me, but to the world. Going to all the places he wouldn't go with her. I was essentially a "Jody." It hurt, a lot! All the time. I couldn't stop, I didn't want to stop. If I could have a quarter of a day where I was hers and the rest where she seemed torn between, I took it.

I was ridiculed by my friends and told that I was dumb to believe she would ever leave him. This went on for a year. I couldn't stop, I couldn't give up. She was my girl and I knew that. She knew that.

After all that time we had both had ups and downs. Just like we were together all along. Technically, we were, just with out the title. Until one day it hit me. She may have loved me and cared for me deeply. I knew she wouldn't leave him. After an afternoon of mixed emotions and an overall drowsiness for both of us in riding that roller coaster for so long. I told her I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't want someone so badly and not be able to love her the way I should be able to. The way we both deserved to be loved. We said our goodbyes and I left. Knowing it would be a long time for me to find something I loved like that. It doesn't just happen everyday, ya know.

She called me the next day. Crying uncontrollably and asking me to come over. I did, she was in her drive way, crying. I knew it had something to do with her boyfriend, this is how it was normally. This time it was different. She told me in a sobbing cracking voice "he said I was a whore! He said I deserve to be miserable." I asked why he said those things. She said "I told him I am in love with someone else. Someone who loves me more than I thought someone could." She said "I told him everything." Which meant he new she cheated on him with me, more than once. Which I wasn't at the slightest twisted about seeing as he had cheated a few times himself, of which he was forgiven. I will never apologize for what we did, I always believed she was mine, anyways. To me she was. She told me in her drive way "if you still want this, if you still want me, after all I've done...." I said "I never stopped wanting this, I won't ever stop wanting this. You're my girl."

Ten years later, I still haven't stopped wanting this or her. I still want her the same way I always did. Max is now three and beautiful mix of her and I both. He has her eyes and is smart like her, too. Love is a very real thing. Truthfully, in my opinion, the most real thing in all the universe. I would suffer being the man on the side all over again for her. I will always want her like that.

Let it scatter in the wind,

the seeds I've sown.

Lest I be eaten alive by the world.

I should be devoured in love,

I should be intoxicated by it.

But freedom of the heart doesn't allow such silly things.

Dissecting the nature of identity,

molding our reflections to conform.

The questions still remain, they never change. Why are you who you are?

The rippling effect of choices.

We are the architects of destiny, after all. Setting in motion an unstoppable chain of events.

Attempting affirmation of the senses, by using our limited senses. We will inevitably fall short in understanding the depths and heights, the logics and reasons.

Life as we know it doesn't change.

Hate doesn't change.

Love doesn't change.

We change, but should never stop choosing love.

My loves,

It is from love I've given you freedom.

The autonomous nature, you will abuse and misuse it. But I will still love you.

It is from love you have your image. The world will sell you flaws of it and ways to fix it. You will forget me in pursuit of your vanities. But I will still love you.

It is from love you will revel in the vastness of your stars and planets. An intricate host of fires and particles that are woven into a fabric of improbable hospitality. Many will attribute its glory to that which rocks dream of. But I will still love you.

It is from love you will desire relation or wither away without it. It is the nature of your existence to love or be loved. You will manipulate and exploit, you will hoard it away, buying divisions and names. But I will still love you.

It is from love I will give you a key, to unlock the prison doors of your decisions and become pardoned from the gallows. You will drift between relapse and pharisaical human nature. But I will still love you.

It is from love that I give you love. It is from love I give you life. It is from love I give you forgiveness. I will always love you. Love is eternal. I am love.