When
When roads end,
I will find a way to get to where I need to be.
When doors won't open,
I will find a way to get free.
When life seems to heavy,
I will find a way to carry this burden.
When regret stares me in the face,
I will find a way to stare it down.
When laughter and tears rush over me,
I will find a way to embrace them both.
When someone tells me I can't,
I will find a way to the 'I can' place.
When the odds are against me,
I will find a way to succeed, my way.
When life ebbs from this body,
I will have finally found a way to peace.
https://youtu.be/ljrFQyE1hAg
Only Four More To Go
Today, we are burying Joe for the third time.
The first time was in 2012 because of a motorcycle accident.
The second time, a skiing accident in 2015.
This time ... suicide.
The Missus is distraught and can't blame her. I'm shook up with this myself.
Does that mean in three more years, it'll start again where we have to bury Joe? I surely hope not, but it seems it's been every three years.
What next? A car wreck? Cancer? I just don't know.
People around here have said the Missus and I were out there on this one, but it was our choice. Well, actually mine, but the Missus went along with it. I got the idea from a boxer. He did it and it worked out good for him, so why not for us, right?
It's a nightmarish hell we live. Wondering when we'll have to go through this again.
We named all our sons, Joe.
Choke
There’s bugs.
There’s no bugs.
Yes, there are. There’s so many that I can’t breathe. They’re in my chest. Under my skin. They got in through my ribs.
There are no bugs. You can breathe. You’re talking to me.
…
What are you thinking?
I still can’t breathe.
Yes. You’re talking, remember?
Yeah, but I’m not breathing. I’m crying.
Just go to sleep. The bugs will go away.
It’s too bright.
It’s not. It’s dark.
What if they are bugs, though? What if that’s what’s inside? I can’t breathe. Why can’t I breathe? What if there really are bugs?!
Are you there?
Wake up!
Please?! There’s so many bugs…please, I can’t breathe. I can’t…
What We Can(not) Keep
“Is Emma home alone, then?” Jacob asked.
Shaking his head, Daniel sighed. “No. . . Jazz’s with her. I thought they’d like some girl time or whatever.”
Jacob nodded. “Oh, okay.” Daniel wasn’t telling the truth, but he didn’t press it. As far as he knew, there had been no problems with Daniel and Emma’s marriage, but anyone could put on a show. And recently, his friend had been acting weird, seeming to avoid any mention of his wife.
“How’s work been going?” Daniel asked.
Jacob mentally shook himself, focusing back on his friend. “Oh, good. And you?”
They talked about other meaningless things for the next ten minutes or so. Jacob kept looking for an opporutnity to ask about Emma, but so far, nothing else had been presented.
“Well, I probably should be getting home. I don’t like to leave my poor Ava on her own with the triplets; they can be a handful,” Jacob said.
“I don’t think I could handle kids,” Daniel admitted, running a hand through his already messy hair. “And I don’t think Emma could, either. . .”
The last part didn’t even seem to be directed at Jacob.
“Speaking of Emma. . . how’s she been? I haven’t seen her around lately, and Ava wanted to have you guys over. But if she’s sick or something, maybe we could a make a meal?”
Daniel seemed troubled, turning his gaze to the empty plate resting on the sticky diner’s table. Swallowing, he said, “Oh, she’s her usual self.” His forced smile made Jacob even more uneasy, but once again, he didn’t press it.
“Well, it was nice getting to have some one-on-one time with you, and I hope we can get together again some time in the near future,” he said, standing to his feet.
“I hope so, too.”
They shook hands and Jacob walked out of the diner, casting one last glance over his shoulder at Daniel.
###
Daniel sat in his car for almost fifteen minutes before the trickle of tears slowed. With a ragged sigh, he wiped them away with the back of his hand.
Jazz’s car isn’t here anymore, and I don’t want Emma alone. What if something happened to her?
This thought finally drove him out of the vehicle and towards the small house. Simplistic but cozy in daylight, the shadows from the trees playing across its surface made it appear sinister and foreboding. Daniel didn’t hesitate, though, his thoughts on only one thing--his wife.
The door was locked, a great relief to him. He unlocked it and stepped inside.
“Em?” he called softly, not wanting to wake her up if she had already gone to bed.
“I’m in here,” she replied.
Daniel relaxed a little bit more, following her sweet voice to the living room, where she was laying on the couch. The recess lighting was turned down, bathing everything in its soft glow. Emma looked angelic, golden red hair spread out across the pillows, pale skin smooth and soft.
“Hey, beautiful,” he whispered, sitting down on the couch and caressing her cheek. “I’m sorry you had to be alone. . . I didn’t know Jazz would leave so early.”
“No, it’s okay.” She smiled. “It’s good for you to get out, see some of your friends. How’s Jacob doing?”
“Good as ever. They’ve got a lot going on, and from what I gathered, the triplets are hard to keep up with.”
“Imagine trying to potty train them,” Emma shuddered, causing Daniel to smile.
She sighed, closing her eyes for a moment, the corners of her mouth turning down.
Daniel sobered. “Does it hurt?”
“Just a little, not too much.” She opened her eyes and smiled at him again. “There are many people who have it so much worse than I do. . . I really am blessed.”
He pulled her into his arms, sobbing.
Cancer could not take his Emma.