I started using a brand of natural deodorant.

Aluminum is nasty, they say. It will clog your sweat glands and poison your blood.

Do you know how many products contain aluminum?

It is not a small number.

It’s in our pots and pans and silverware.

In cans and foils.

Sinks, faucets, ladders, cars.

Our drinking water is treated with it.

It is added to our foods and medicines.

It is even present in fireworks.

Do not tell me a little antiperspirant is going to give me Alzheimer’s.

“Oh deary,” she would say.

She had the sweetest laugh,

And made the best darn cinnamon buns I’ve ever tasted.

She crafted a beautiful quilt for me when I was young. I don’t know how she chose the fabric but the colours sing to me. It’s like she had peered into my soul and sewed what she saw. There is a tag stitched in the corner that confirms it was made with Grandma’s love.

It started a few months before I began high school. We were chatting on the phone and she said, “You’ll be starting Grade 4 in the fall then?”

“Grade 9, Grandma,” I said.

Over the next few years our conversations became more circular. The weather became a popular topic. We would discuss it thoroughly, sometimes reviving the subject several times in one phone call. I didn’t care. I knew those talks were limited.

The last time my grandparents travelled was for my sister’s high school graduation. The night after the ceremony, my grandfather was having trouble breathing. The ambulance was called, and he had to stay in the hospital for several days. Grandma was confused. “Where’s Billy?” she would ask.

“In the hospital, Grandma, but he’s going to be alright,” we would say.

Our reassurances never stopped the tears leaking from her eyes. Then she would calm and fifteen minutes later the cycle would repeat.

After that my father insisted my grandfather get help.

“You can’t take care of her when you are sick, Dad.”

I learned my grandmother had started wandering at night, which was concerning as they lived in a tiny house on the edge of a highway.

My grandfather was terrified of moving her. He said it was because the change would upset her, but I think he was afraid the thread she used to find her way back to him would be stretched too thin. That it might break, and he would lose her.

My father came to visit me this weekend. He told me he is drawing up a living will. Putting everything in writing so that my sister and I won’t have to make difficult decisions if something were to happen.

“I don’t want to live if I can’t remember you or your sister,” he said.

I keep thinking about this TV episode I watched a while back. The protagonist’s mother had Alzheimer’s and she was debating receiving a medical test that would determine if she had the gene.

What would I do in her shoes?

I would give almost anything to rid myself of the tightness that grips my throat every time I forget my keys or can’t remember the name of my Grade 6 math teacher.

I don’t know how I would live if it came back positive.

When I was seven, every wish I made on a penny, a star, or birthday candles was “Please let me get a dog.”

Now I wish

For my grandmother to remember my name,

For my father to keep his memories,

And that I won’t lose mine.

But I no longer believe in the power of wishes.

So,

I started using a brand of natural deodorant.

A quick little fix to turn

The tides that came running

A fire to my soul, igniting

The bits of anger rushing

To soothe a broken soul.

I don’t need a remedy, I say

So whatever you give me

I might puke it out

Or turn away, blindly

But if I feel you’re the one

I can’t say no, no I can’t

Be brave, be yourself

I won’t care what kind

Of a love we're getting

As long as we're forgetting

The lies shoved in us

When we were young

And confused

And bruised

And insane.

Your breath breezing through my ear.

Endlessly, you carressed me like summer,

Whipping through a winding memory

It’s a haze causing a traffic in our hearts

When all the world is a chaos that unfolds,

You are the only peace, a sanctuary I hold

It may be nonsense, all this poetry

But it is a malady, a purpose I behold

Because when love entered my heart

All it wants to do is to express and caress

Each lingering and tight emotion

Binding us together, a soul longing

I knew there will come a time

That you and I will intertwine and

Two of us be holding hands and

Come together for forever and

God did me good when

He gave me someone

As good as you.

It’s instinct, if you obey

The thirst of your soul

And the cries of your heart

I’m amazed at how deep

Our love endures time

And the one eternity

We all are working for

Seems to be at a halt

When you and I collide

Because it's where we were

Before we got in this dimension

Sometimes I blame myself

For letting you go before

And now we're joined together

There's nothing to stop us

It's all going to be alright now

I'm going to be yours now

And the rest of me

Will always be happy

Joyous and

Free.

I purged the demons in my head

And I know they’ll keep coming

I’ve ran into ghosts of my past

Only to find I’m not alone

The rapid movements made

By this human body and mind

Kept me awake in the moment

But somehow I’m not alive

I grabbed fuel for my body

And found no energy left

I’m running on solid fuel

I'm not the same anymore

My mind kept running,

My body kept doing

My veins are full grown

And my ribs kept a heart

On solid standing

I'm not fainting

I'm pulsating

Keeping

Sane.

#freeverse #grief #deathnote

As I open up a new chapter,

Another page becomes history.

Memories once seeped consciously

Drifts away unconsciously.

My baby, she reached six months

And lived inside my belly

I fought my way through

Cold nights, working

And sunsets simmering.

I didn't notice his cord

Was coiling and coiling

I kept feeling nothing

Except silence and death

But I just thought that

He was sleeping,

Now I'm crying

I'm just dying

Slowly.