I started using a brand of natural deodorant.

Aluminum is nasty, they say. It will clog your sweat glands and poison your blood.

Do you know how many products contain aluminum?

It is not a small number.

It’s in our pots and pans and silverware.

In cans and foils.

Sinks, faucets, ladders, cars.

Our drinking water is treated with it.

It is added to our foods and medicines.

It is even present in fireworks.

Do not tell me a little antiperspirant is going to give me Alzheimer’s.

“Oh deary,” she would say.

She had the sweetest laugh,

And made the best darn cinnamon buns I’ve ever tasted.

She crafted a beautiful quilt for me when I was young. I don’t know how she chose the fabric but the colours sing to me. It’s like she had peered into my soul and sewed what she saw. There is a tag stitched in the corner that confirms it was made with Grandma’s love.

It started a few months before I began high school. We were chatting on the phone and she said, “You’ll be starting Grade 4 in the fall then?”

“Grade 9, Grandma,” I said.

Over the next few years our conversations became more circular. The weather became a popular topic. We would discuss it thoroughly, sometimes reviving the subject several times in one phone call. I didn’t care. I knew those talks were limited.

The last time my grandparents travelled was for my sister’s high school graduation. The night after the ceremony, my grandfather was having trouble breathing. The ambulance was called, and he had to stay in the hospital for several days. Grandma was confused. “Where’s Billy?” she would ask.

“In the hospital, Grandma, but he’s going to be alright,” we would say.

Our reassurances never stopped the tears leaking from her eyes. Then she would calm and fifteen minutes later the cycle would repeat.

After that my father insisted my grandfather get help.

“You can’t take care of her when you are sick, Dad.”

I learned my grandmother had started wandering at night, which was concerning as they lived in a tiny house on the edge of a highway.

My grandfather was terrified of moving her. He said it was because the change would upset her, but I think he was afraid the thread she used to find her way back to him would be stretched too thin. That it might break, and he would lose her.

My father came to visit me this weekend. He told me he is drawing up a living will. Putting everything in writing so that my sister and I won’t have to make difficult decisions if something were to happen.

“I don’t want to live if I can’t remember you or your sister,” he said.

I keep thinking about this TV episode I watched a while back. The protagonist’s mother had Alzheimer’s and she was debating receiving a medical test that would determine if she had the gene.

What would I do in her shoes?

I would give almost anything to rid myself of the tightness that grips my throat every time I forget my keys or can’t remember the name of my Grade 6 math teacher.

I don’t know how I would live if it came back positive.

When I was seven, every wish I made on a penny, a star, or birthday candles was “Please let me get a dog.”

Now I wish

For my grandmother to remember my name,

For my father to keep his memories,

And that I won’t lose mine.

But I no longer believe in the power of wishes.

So,

I started using a brand of natural deodorant.

To tell the truth,

I am a liar.

and liars lie

even when they tell the truth.

I am real

but I’m also fake

because

this is me

but the facts aren’t straight.

I tell the truth

often through lies

but it’s up to you

to read between the lines.

Your job doesn't define who you are as a person. Just because you are a data entry clerk, doesn't mean that you are a mindless drone. And just because you are a lawyer, doesn't mean that you are smarter or better than anyone. Your job is something you do in order to pay the bills. It's important, but it is not your purpose. I've seen far too many people put their whole identity into their job. Sacrificing friendships, marriages, and even their own health. Only to get laid off and not know who they are anymore. So don't join the rat race. Even if you win, you're still a rat.

Broken, lonely, and addicted dipped in ADHD washed down with Bi-polar is just the beginning of me... Please don't judge as I continue to type, this is the rawest words I have put down for others eyes.. I feel I'm part pixie from the underground, the hidden world beneath our streets, I have been punished for swimming with Greed only knowing loneliness and melancholy... I seek a connection, an effortless bond, ride or die companion, my missing piece...

Don't get me wrong I have let people in but they always disappoint in the end... I have plenty of people who call themselves friends but have endless excuses in the end... I love to hard and that's on me, I have no clue any other way to be... I wish I could be cold like some, I wish i could do what others have done...

I am at the point of letting go & saying fuck it with this human life, it has to be much easier on the other side... Spiritually I know not to take ones life, tears of sadness puddle my eyes...

I also often wonder how many times I've walked full of evil to deserve this life... I've always been lonely, dashed with a little glad, topped with isolation... every once in a while I get lucky and Mania erupts...

I love Mania, it is what my heaven will be, full of happiness, hope, and all things in harmony... Confident, stronger , ready to take on the world, with a pinch of sadness cause the bliss won't last long... I will start to crash and long for my melancholy warmth.. I am comfortable in melancholy, it really feels like home.. I long for it nightly to calm my mental storm..

i am flesh

i am bones

i am formed from the dust that blows

i am heart

i am mind

i give life to the thoughts in my mind

i am song

i am art

i am a creation designed to create

Why are we so easily swayed to the voices of others? to find our worth in society's standards?

I have to ask this question. If the noise of the world was silenced, would there be any part of you left? Are you shaped by the voices of others? Or can you move without a nudge and a shove?

The reality though, we are shaped by the music we listen to, the movies we watch, the people we spend time with, the books that we read, social media and so on. Endless factors contribute to making a being. Yet the power to choose what shapes us lies within us.

The pressure to conform is real and not many can swim against the current.

I am Real.

As a knife cuts my hand and I bleed.

A boy hurts my heart and I cry.

I am Human.

I do care what "they" think.

I adopt a habit with ease.

Ah, I have learned about elasticity. There is hope.

He may be a follower.

She may be obsessing.

They may be behaving how they were taught to behave.

We humans are more like sheep, yes?

And if a lie roles of the tongue; is it to please another?

After all, who wants to lose the space they think they belong?

In this robotic age, can we find the genuine?

Oh yes, they are there. Just not the obvious places I presume.

His first request is be real, be as real as possible. It is easier said than done. I have lived my entire life wearing a fake smile. My pain has never been reflected on my face. My mom has always said that I am her brave ninja. I have to protect my kid-sis. I am their protecting shield so I became one. I pose a fake smile and endured everything. No one was able to distinguish it from a real smile until he came.

Who wants to hear about the fact that every day some 200,000 people around the world are lifted above the $2-a-day poverty line?

The news is clear, for we must cheer. We must wave hands and banners high as for today some people got a bit more. Just a little bit more and we show applause. Our now partaking, clear unthinking, feeling nothing for what we can’t see. We can’t know or understand the reasons why we try to gain the more that elevates and makes a state to furnish with statistics.

Tea and biscuits sipped in places where the cake is just as nice at a price. All a lot of fuss and bother when the gloating stand with pointed fingers. “Pontifa-noting “ on what the other thinks on. On what others ponder on about and over what we are about when we are without and less the fortunate for. Therefore the more we want we need to show that we have got.

The “we “ can well and truly be the counted with a jam jar full of pocket coins. Percentage noted, quoted gloated and scoffed at through spittle splatting laughter.

Or did you know, that more than 300,000 people a day get access to electricity and clean water for the first time every day?

Well, the lights come on and brightness is shon and we were given the chance to work on longer making it more likely, that we will with more likelihood reach over the $2 a day income limit.

So number one on our list of crowing achievements is also number two and in the truth of logic no aim achieved. Though achieve we have for praise a knowledge. Now we see in darkness more to do and to pursue. For now we need to fill our empty corners

with warmth and sentiments that represent the progress we now feel. Electricity brings fridges , brings TV’s, bring computers, brings utensils, tools and gadgets. Sleeping disorders and a dimension of desires beamed and streamed and waved on air.

Flashes of inspirations sparking growths and personal revolutions and volts of quantity called development. Illuminated secrets of clubs and gangs of like the minded. The darkness is dispelled and nature looses a buckle. We stand with pants around our ankles only now all can see the nakedness of an emperor without his cloths.

If we care about global welfare. Globalisation is the only way forward to ensure that economic prosperity is shared among all countries and not only a select few advanced economies.

If we care about global welfare then we must be aware of the global warfare that’s taking place in our homes and minds and the divisions of soul and heart and spirit and body. There are knowns that the unknowns cherish and relish the day that humanity perish and wait in coil rattles posture. The bolstering rise of commerces cold fingers in purses and sales for profits and gains for powers and fortunes the citizen drone like good little sheep. The bleating is when there are traffic jams and power cuts. As global impressions leave high streets and malls in a limbo with nobody there to consume from the windows when pockets are empty and there are no coins to feed supper to toddlers with distended bellies and eyes all a bulging from watching the telly. Big mother the baby sitters companion has stolen the children and nobody sees that the fall of a nation is well underway and the day of a reasoning surely is coming and thunder is rolling in heaven.

Too many responsible advice from irresponsible souls,

Too many unholy people playing the "HOLIER THAN THOU" roles,

Too many sinners recognizing others sinning and censuring their imperfections and sins,

Too many meditators of deceit.

He always preaches against drug abuse with vigour and his words full of fire,

After the day of self satisfaction and intense condemnation, he treats him self with some syrup and heroine while Tying his Mary Jane with a paper he had ripped out of a chapter in the book of Matthews from his bible,

Remember 19 year old Brenda committed suicide because of his sermon,

He had proscribed instead of encouraging her, she's been battling with depression since she got raped the third time in the space of two months.

Don't sit in front of the Lord's sanctuary if you have hate at the back of your heart,

Don't write a long tribute at my funeral if you never tried to right any of my wrong when I was alive,

Don't put guns and bullets in the hands people's children,

When all you want to see in the hands of your children is books and a Pen.

You say we deserve reparation for the traumas and declination of human value slavery brought to our race, you talk like you've got our backs, like it's you and us against the WORLD,

But in reality you're the WORLD, your ambitions are nothing but new colonialism, from out of the fry pan we going into slavery of another form, the "NEW WORLD ORDER" it's called

Hypocrisy.

What is "Real" what is "fake"

what makes it real or fake?

You? Your perception,

or The World's view?

Why is it not real just because

you don't believe?

Magic is all

around, only you have lost

your site on the world around you and

got swept up in the virtual world

the "internet" where what is fake is real

and what is real is fake.

What makes it "Real" What makes it "fake"

YOU and YOUR thought.

A person trying to better, "pretending"

to be happy is NOT being fake.

A person with hair extensions, eyelash extensions,

colored contacts, botox for full lips, breast augmentation,

booty implants, fake nails that's fake, fake, fake.

They are lost and don't know who they are

People faking it till they make it

know something isn't right and

are trying to better themselves.

Know who you are and there is

no need to be fake.

Happiness, courage, strength, power, consistency, patience, freedom, all these, life offers them to us at least once. We live our lives trying to outdo ourselves, we live trying so hard to impress our loved ones, we live trying so hard to not disappoint our loved ones at our own expense and we live trying to prove that we have everything under control. We are constantly trying and usually, it is for someone other than oneself. It is undoubtedly draining. How much different would life be if the process was reversed? If we pleased ourselves first if we were proud of our efforts and small achievements first if we believed in ourselves first? I do not doubt that our loved ones would still be happy for us and proud of our journey. I know what you're thinking, there is a conflict of interest. Whether to be selfless, unsatisfied yet happy that your loved ones are happy or be selfish, unsatisfied with your loved one's support and happy. Just take some time and breathe. Honestly, you typically get one shot at life in this world and you do not want to waste that chance by not living it to the fullest. We all need to stop pacing ourselves in comparison to other people's timelines. We just have to logically account for our individuality and have faith in ourselves. We will fail. We will want to give in so bad. We might even fall for the trap and venture in something else, however, we need to have faith in ourselves at all times. Faith that we will once more, rise again. Faith that we have not failed in vain but have learnt something new. Faith that we are not perfect but we will get there and shock ourselves. Trust me, life is uncertain. One moment you're up, the other you're down. One moment you hear that one universe exists, the other we have parallel universes and all sorts of beings roam our earth. Life is a thriller film and you get to create as many plot twists as you want. You get to write down in history how your story ends. Everything will turn over clean for you. Calm down, relax. You're doing just fine.