Of course you look at her first, why wouldn’t you. She is the one with problems, but doesn’t mean she is the only one. She has scars to prove it, lungs that are slowing turning black from the smoke of sweet old mary jane, and just all around her life is in shambles. You look at her first because she is more damaged. What about what you can’t see, in me.

I will forever be haunted by the sight of that blade. All those blades I would try so desperately to hide, but it never worked. For that reason I will always remember red… drenched... dripping tissues, the sheets spotted with red like a dalmation, and all those bloody bandages so filled that she just needed another one. What about walking in seeing it with my own eyes and then never being able to do a thing because you were just a little girl. A little girl once so innocent till she walked in on all this horror. Till the horror became part of her life. But I was always confused on why you looked at her first. As if I was haunted enough, I had more coming. I about died 5 times before I was 16, I was tormented when I was only 14. I have trust issues, depression, my physical body is failing as I become short of breath at random points in the day and I've tried to tell you and you never listen, and lastly body issues you know why "You don't want to look like your sister she is just fat and not pretty" hearing that everyday makes you think why you kept saying it... was I already like her? So whwy do you look at her first, I'm just as broken...

I feel my fingers melting

as you step out of my skin.

The mist of time

quells the spirits

speaking to my soul

through locked doors

and dusty shelves.

My heart weeps

in still of evening,

blank pages stare

back at me.

Silence decays

as I whisper your name

in roaring words

but our time has

blown away

on wings of a dove.

Heavy lids and

burdened heart

drawn on wet canvas

pages keep turning

as sun drowns

in my sea.

The future is as unknown to me as it was yesterday. What will happen tomorrow? What changes might occur in my life? How far will I go to achieve my dreams? Do I even truly comprehend what they might actually be? Am I now treading on the right path? Will my efforts ever be fruitful? These and many more unanswered questions remain hidden in the deepest recesses of my heart. When will I truly grow up, opening my eyes to the truths scattered in front of me. Can I really decipher the meaning to my life? Moving towards the goals I have yet to unveil. Is living in the now really so wrong or am I just making excuses for myself. Still unconciously living in a world of fantasy and overlooking the facts of life that are right infront of me. Is it ignorance, cowardice, pessimism or just being foolhardy. All these thoughts leave me puzzled, making me question myself.

My dear I can see it in your eyes.

I know your hurting

I know your sad

I see your breaking

I wish I could just take it away.

I see how your dying inside over and over again.

The darkness has swallow you and it does not stop.

I reach out to you please take my hand

I promise I won't leave

I won't let go.

Why do I yearn for you?

Why do I chase after you?

How can I stop myself?

Why do I think of you constantly?

Do you even think of me?

These foolish thoughts plague me

Never letting me free

Will our hearts ever get each other?

How can this distance truly end?

Should I ask why you ignore me?

Or do I reciprocate as well?

When will these questions end?

Will I ever find my answer?

Or is it always going to evade me?

I don’t think I ever stopped loving you. It’s not healthy for me to ponder what we could’ve been as I drift into soft slumber night after night, but you haunt me.

Every thought of you aches in my brain, sending shockwaves through my exhausted body, reminding me gently of your touch.

I think I’ll always be in love with you. I don’t know how I’ll deal with that. But for tonight, I pretend I’m yours as I drift slowly back to dreams, alternate realities where you never left in the first place.

Life is all about timing, and we were no exception

We found each other right when we needed each other

It couldn't have been planned better

So was it the right time for you to walk away?

I dunno, maybe it was

Or maybe you tested the hands of fate and ripped yourselves from their grasp

I am happy without you. I figured out I could be

Last I heard, you were having a hard time with that

But no phone calls, no letters, no happy birthdays, merry christmases

So maybe that's what you want.

I'm okay with moving on

I've gotten better at it over the years

It would be a blatant lie, though, if I told you I erased you

I think I've begun to paint you larger than life

You've been away so long that now my stories have turned myth

You're a legend in my heart now, but I know you're just a man

Your shadow shows a lion but I know you're just a mouse

You don't scare me.

I mean it when I say I'll always love you

But not the sort of love we started off with

I don't feel jealous thinking of who will come along next

I just worry and hope she knows how to take care of you

I hope she pays attention to the fact that sometimes you laugh when you really need to cry

That you hide a lot of things but with enough listening and love, sometimes you let them out

That your mistakes and misgivings are nowhere near as substantial as your heart, your love, and your intellect.

You always used to play things so casual

I have nightmares of walking into your room seeing you standing on a chair

You look at me with the noose around your neck and shrug

"Sorry, bad timing."