just love me
just love me
i’ll say it everyday
& whenever i need to
fear won’t stop the words
not anymore
love is needed
& asking can be difficult
b/c love is not given or taken easily
even though, supposedly
love is the reason for existence
the cure for sorrow & atrocities
make all this fact
& just love me
i want to hear it
feel it
& don’t stop
remedy my day & forever
i promise i’ll do the same
just love me
Cormac’s First Monologue
there is not enough power
anywhere
to influence the wretched behavior pushing life along at a burning rate
a departure to nowhere may be needed
a feat currently out of my reach
i am not able enough to determine how or why my presence exists on these lands bound by orbit
a domain with little space & resources for our pursuit of more needs
& gloom & blame can bring down the sun
i too have been distracted by cosmic pain & anguish
my studies & practice have wavered into the corner of the Hermit
not good
the only magic to be conjured is dark & dangerous
a valid base to evolve for the better
not to dwell & incubate more of the same
i am ready to continue with a cleanse of my own making
even if the most it can be is a sparkle in the eyes for all to see
or simply more time for somber hope & meditation
the radius of land & water i am familiar with is easy to disappear among
i need to rise from my barrel & flex the intent i have summoned
mostly gold
into the air
onto the streets
& deep within what is calling below us all
with a soft reach into the abyss above
i will, i must
i am compelled by the Lady & Hunter
Blessed Be!
*thanks for reading, i'm just developing a witchy story & figuring Cormac's full intent, their world & inter-dimensional reach to the other characters i have in mind. writing out monologues or prose helps.
why this challenge?
this is an odd challenge
the EPSTEIN CASE is so important for the obvious reasons
further investigation can lead to the end of abuse and trafficking
i hope every sex offender, human trafficker and those protecting them are all brought to justice and suffer for it
asking everyone to put themselves in the room of the arrest
well, i just can't
the only writing i would ever do about the case is to advance the pursuit of those causing so much harm
instead, imagine seeing him with young looking girls
and ask yourself
would you have done or said anything to help, especially if you were aware of him or caught a mere glimpse of his crimes?
now, would you do something if you saw a similar situation or worse of anyone?
i think about those questions all the time
and have accepted the need to protect everyone i can
with that said, i hope the confidence i have and am evolving will be enough to do what's necessary to help someone in need
and please, any help will be greatly appreciated
i’m having those dreams again
When I was younger, vivid moments of my past lives would play on in my mind as I slept. They're back on repeat. It's been years. I must be yearning for something I had back then.
I do feel my spirit is quite young and picky and my current life is my third go on this planet. The dreams of my first existence took place in an Aristocratic time. Through orchestrated scandal, betrayal and brutality, I thrived and created a mighty reputation. I was unstoppable...well...until my misdeeds caught up with me.
At first, oh gosh, I can still feel the endorphin rush I earned every day. It made my dreams glow. I dined with Royalty and religious elite. I lost count of my net worth. My estate grew rapidly as my enemies fell. Fun and entertainment recognized no bounds. So many people were at my disposal and the bloodshed I drew, sometimes by my very hands, gave me a great high.
That all did change and fear set in. The radiance my dreams had stained and darkened as everything I built crumbled, ultimately matching the environment I exhaled my last breath in: a dungeon. I remember violently waking out of the nightmare that was my death. It felt like I was ejected out of a portal.
Every dream, every moment, it all felt so real, including my passing. From then on, I had random dreams like everyone else. There is one I still remember clearly. I was hopping on furniture in the middle of the sea with a few other people. Thinking about it, there must've been a shipwreck. A shark was following us and it caught my leg as I jumped from a table. I woke the moment the fierce animal sunk its teeth into me and I felt tremendous pain exactly where it bit me.
Then I began dreaming of my time with a Native Chief, my second life. He taught me all he knew. I was able to craft and use spears and bows and arrows. I learned how to track and set traps for game and enemies. I had dreams of he and I fishing and hunting. He showed me what plants were edible, medicinal and poisonous. He told me many stories of his life and people while we viewed constellations that were mirrored in his tribe's totems. We explored his vast territory and endured all seasons. He trusted me enough to accompany him on his visits to neighboring tribes, just to see more of the land we all share.
That life was the opposite of my first. Though I learned and saw so much, guided by someone so important and who seemed to not want anything from me, I still don't know who I was then. I can't say I was apart of the Chief's tribe. I certainly didn't feel like his successor or kin, yet outcast or passing visitor doesn't seem true either. I don't know, maybe I was just a figment of his imagination.
Those dreams held no stress or danger, no responsibilities or expectations, no goals or need for advancement. Nature's serenity and my mentorship gave me great peace. I don't know when or how I died in that life. All I ever dreamt of was my ongoing lessons. Then they stopped and I was left to lead my present existence, which has felt like a limbo between the two humans I once was, and now the dreams are back.
Why?
Are my past lives trying to tell me something? Honestly, I've been struggling. Peace and happiness are difficult to obtain and maintain because society says one has to find and fulfill one's purpose. The journey lays out so much guilt and pressure to wear while havoc awaits an invitation. Living isn't as enjoyable as it's portrayed, especially when the hypocrisy to keep it going kicks in and becomes a hefty price that can't be avoided, no matter what one can afford and if one actually cares. Achieving success doesn't require respect for others or our surroundings and having respect for others and our surroundings isn't instinctual.
I had everything I ever wanted in my first life: power and wealth, freedom in pop and luxury culture, all earned with a vicious pursuit and not one fuck given, the real joy behind it all. Everyone at that time had a foot or runny nose in the same game of life, a mode still very relevant today. It brings out the worst in us and, so they say, the best, which is very exploitable. This sport didn't exist in my second life. Gaining enough knowledge of the world to protect the group and taking only what's needed reigned supreme, even if you were a great leader. Joy came from simplicity and carrying on as if I didn't exist.
I suppose I must reflect on all this and figure out why I chose to lead this life. It's been a trek of hope and excitement that has only attracted challenges. Most of them have been so debilitating, I'm considering the theory of karma and I don't want to spend a lifetime paying off debt. I assume intentionally ending this existence will only summon another type of payment plan. On one shoulder, I understand and respect the process. On the other, I don't have the will to endure more frustration while constructing personal tranquility without causing any harm. If that's the lesson of this life, which my contemplation is now pointing to, one more dumb person, one more horrible responsibility may just breach my loosely contained madness.
Of course, I'm just one of many trying to make it out of a shipwreck and I appreciate the many who have helped me get his far, the light I keep my stare on. The more I think of my life, I realize my second presence is telling me to stay calm and be open for further teaching, no matter the strain. Yet my first life wants me to manipulate and dominate to kill time, no matter the consequences.p
Why are my instincts so far apart?
The polar confusion has kept me in a docile state and I can't keep up with our world, partly because I don't want to and compassion eventually becomes an ache. Maybe that's why I'm in these shoes. The lesson of this life must involve conjuring a desire to be apart of our world respectively without defiling it. Or maybe I have to embrace this time of superficial suffering to center my compulsions because the possibility of a more dire situation or life is very likely, and handling it with violence or paralysis will only make it worse. Gosh, I can only guess and aim for good, really because life, in general, doesn't make sense.
For many of us, 'Why are we here?' is a big topic that carries many faiths, theories and studies with no clear answer. To believe I've lived a few times intensifies the question but with bills awaiting and relationships to nurture, I have no time to think beyond getting to work on time and putting on a big smile because sad poems either bore or worry people.
It's all annoying!
I just want to be happy but the joy I've painted probably won't become my reality. To make the best of things will always entail a facade to cope with disappointment and longing. Hopefully, that's not the lesson of this life. Oh please, it can't be. If it is, I rather leave my questions unanswered and let the unknown pass me by because I refuse to haul around the body of a functioning depressive.
Rushing into my next life is a better option. I just have to find a way to get there in one piece.
Jealousy + Deception = Paranoia
something must be wrong
i don't get jealous
i wish i did
it could have prevented this pain
which has polluted every sense and emotion
i understand there's beauty i can't match
and believe there's no harm in looking or daydreaming
and i certainly understand envy over what other's have
yet i value working hard for what i want
i don't want to be jealous
or feel jealous
i just want to trust, love and laugh
i've caused jealousy
and been confronted by it
which only places me in a state of emergencey
it's usually difficult to calm the situation
and retaining respect become a challenge
oh, but looking back
jealousy could have prevented my heart from fully breaking
deception and betrayal are inevitable
what will be will be done
and the one who is deceived will need to survive
from my experience, jealousy is maddening
yet, now, it seems like instinct kicking in
preparation for what could be
not feeling it is like being blind
no worries, i'll pick up the pieces
and love harder
which will entail a degree of jealousy
with the hope that paranoia won't take over
that's what i'm afraid
i can't let that happen
that's the greatest cause of deception and jealousy