Gay.

Intriguing, a word once used to define a feeling,

a sense of bliss as well as delight,

A label to illustrate a colorful and vivid soul,

A name that meant feeling and expression of the mind,

But once another speaks of being so,

it's frowned upon for such shame and disgrace,

for they shall not feel the same as thee,

and therefor they shall be amiss, or improper in society,

in this world we are not permitted to be unique or ourselves,

especially when it comes to being in love,

or so that is as we teach,

that is what we preach,

we make them feel as of though that word, label, title, is out of reach,

we show them that to be who they are,

is to be incorrect,

is to be outrageous,

we speak as if we don't make others feel this way but opinions can be contagious,

we say that to be gay is to be ecstatic, joyful, jubilant, colorful, bright, vivid,

but we make those who are feel anything but,

and we inform them to keep the closet shut.

Thoughts of you dance inside me like ballerinas,

They swim around my brain like fish,

And flood it like a tsunami,

Leaving me breathless,

The feelings of missing you,

Missing what we used to have,

Is heart wrenching,

Heartbreaking,

Eternally painful and shattering,

Knowing I’ll never feel those lips,

Feel that kiss,

Knowing he makes you happy,

Where i used to be,

He makes you feel good,

Unlike me,

Knowing he’s the one you chose instead of me.

Eyes glazed over like glass,

My vision fixated on him,

My brain unable to comprehend such miserable sorrow,

The pain of the sight devouring my inner core,

Discarding all the empty pieces out of my body,

Expelling them into the depths of my inner Hell,

The voice of agony shrieks out in unimaginable pain,

My mask of deceit blocking it from outer ears,

As tears bash my glass pane eyes,

Begging to be set free into the fresh air,

To see the light of day once more,

I discover myself afloat on a Sea of grief,

The grief of what is to come,

Not of what has already become of him,

For his chest may be rising and descending,

But he is no longer a man,

All of the physical hurt he's endured for two years,

Is lethal to me in a matter of seconds,

A matter of a minute,

Chunks of the broken heart swim around my chest,

Jabbing into my damaged bones,

Collecting all the strength I had left to salvage,

Leaving me in a state of indescribable emptiness,

A groan escapes his gently parted lips,

Gripping so hard onto my eardrums they bruise,

Burning into my mind,

Dumbfounded, Unable to breathe,

Absolute fear,

fear that cough is his final one,

Fear that I'll drift from his memories,

Fear that he'll continue to suffer,

The demonic cells of cancer stealing him,

Thieving him from me,

Taking him away,

Away before he sees my baby,

My husband,

My diploma,

My success,

My face reaching his as I was to say goodbye,

Goodbye for now, or goodbye forever,

My glossy eyes enclosed, and a tear slipped free,

Cheering of its freedom from my prison,

The prison I live in all of the time,

Myself,

As I breathe in,

The air as sour as one would imagine,

Yet as sweet as a freshly baked cupcake,

Swirling around my stuffy nostrils,

Taunting my already aching body,

I feel my lips graze the top of his forehead,

Making contact with the icy surface,

His forehead so cold, so pale,

Hard to acknowledge it was him,

The same warm-hearted man,

The man who called me his baby girl,

His little granddaughter,

His gift of God,

We depart,

For only a matter of days,

But time had no patience,

For the very next day,

As I picked up my phone,

My recent message spoke,

"Grandpa's passed away."