did i trick you
into thinking i was
love
and light
and all things kind
from the time i wake up
until i close my eyes at night
did you think
i was even love and light
in my sleep?
i am love and light
but its the love
that gave you a god complex
and drug problems
and its the light from the bic
that barely works
to light the bowl
that barely works
and its the light in the kitchen
that also barely works,
that you forgot to turn off
before you fell to your knees
in front of a plate of shitty
cocaine that was free
because you were pretty
and they said you were
like love
and like light.
i dont like to sleep.
the terrors i have
of the people ive lost
and the people ive wronged
remind me how much
walking the roads less traveled by
i am forced to do
because of all the bridges ive burned
and for all the passenger seats
i do not feel welcome sitting in.
'my god, you've changed'
oh thank god
i have tried to.
ive begged the stars
and the universe
and the god i dont belive in
thank god i am not that girl
who climbed so high on top of the horse
she swore she would never have
that she fell to rock bottom
when the drugs wore off
and she was alone.
I've learned to enjoy
the solitude-
my own company
its the one person
that never asks what is wrong
she just knows
when my heart is in my stomach
and shes the only one
who tells me to breathe in through my nose
and out of my mouth.
shes the only one who's told me
that i am a good mom.
that i am a good wife.
that i am a good friend.
she knows i need that.
she knows the parts of me
that have not quite healed yet
needs to know it wasnt her fault.
alot was my fault.
and i was love and light
until i wasnt.
the only argument
i have with my own comapany now
is do we risk being it again.