Is it just me

Or does everything fade

Even those promises

That we once made?

Swept out to sea

Caught in a storm

All those promises

Soon lose their form

& where do they go

These broken words of sweet perfume?

Are they buried forevermore

Lost inside a bottomless tomb?

Who can know?

Who can say?

When we're the ones

Who throw them away

These words are wasted

Meaningless drivel

Pointless sentiment

That can become uncivil

Words are special

They can paint a picture

& should not be spoken

With malicious stricture

Words can build a tower high

& later tear that building down

So use your words with ample caution

Without an arrogant, frivolous crown

Always think before you speak

Don't let your words go for cheap

& most importantly don't make

A promise you will never keep

©CJ

I wished for golden fingertips dusted with perfection to come down, and tie all the loose ends within my soul.

I wished for things that I knew weren't going to be true, but I still found myself wishing.

I wanted to be saved because I no longer wanted to be a livid soul. I didn't desire melancholic blues and grays that created a color only for rainy days. I craved happy yellows and oranges to resemble fresh starts. I wanted an imperfect life that I believed to be perfect.

I wanted a companion to share my silent atmosphere and be flawed together, I wanted more. But life dumps a bag of moments and opportunities and it was up to you to grasp every beautiful one. Sadly, I found that most slipped through the cracks of my caramel hands and fell into a pit of the past. I found that every missed opportunity and blissful moment to attack my already brittle heart, giving me the gift of anxiety.

I was no longer Arlo, the boy who held his truth in his words and a genuine smile on his lips.

I was now Arlo, the boy who held his truth within his dark eyes and a cancerous cigarette on his lips.

Arlo, the tsunami of fucked up youth.

Crimson liquid splattered the hardwood floor, the metallic taste overpowering my taste buds. My tongue darted out to clean the blood that laid upon the flesh above my chin as a grin coated my lips. The stinging pain of the random boy's bony knuckles settled under my skin uncomfortably.

Hijo de puta

My gaze fell on him once I recovered from the sudden sucker punch, realizing the situation immediately by the way he grabbed the girl I once had my lips on. Anger overfilled his words and dripped onto the grasp he had on her ebony arm, her heart shaped face contorted in discomfort and shock.

The blue lights gave her skin an intoxicating gleam and the boy's pale an annoying brightness. He looked especially flawed beside her, as if she was an unflattering camera zooming in on his imperfections.

"You're fucking cheating on me?!" His voice was deep, but shaky. I could hear the broken heart it was carrying and I didn't know if I should feel guilty. The loud music and liquor added onto the numbness I already sported. So the weak voice that reached my ears only pulled a chuckle from my brutal mouth.

His tall build whips to face me at the noise that was my voice. I could swear I saw his soul set ablaze at me mocking the show of his true emotion. And in that hazy moment, those bony knuckles came in contact with my cheek once again. Gifting me more pain to cuddle within my muscles. I didn't care, though. I didn't care when his hands clutched my shirt, slamming me into a wall. Or when my knees connected with the hard floor. I didn't care for the continuous marks he decorated on my face by his warm fists.

I didn't care because they weren't cold. I didn't care because they weren't rough and adult.

They weren't familiar.

"Stop! That's enough! I think he fucking gets it, Marc!" An unknown voice shouts somewhere in the midst of dancing bodies. It was strong enough to stop the onslaught and a choked laugh escaped my throat. Galaxies played behind my eyelids at the aggressive hand that touched them. Of course it hurt, but I learned to enjoy it. Pain. To find some type of solace within it, so a tear wouldn't fall, but instead a laugh.

Yeah, I know.

"Hey, dude. You alright?" A different voice appeared close by and I let my eyes open to get a look. A curly blond mess was his hair and freckles along with pimples scattered his face. His face was awfully ordinary, but his eyes--his eyes held eccentricity. With the lightest blue that could be found in ice, but strangely, it only gave the warmth a brown could.

"Yeah, this happens more than you think." I respond with a slight smile, fighting the ache it caused my cheek. His hand grasps mine at the attempt of helping me up, but I do most of the work.

"You often make out with other people's girlfriends?" He raises a bushy brow in bemusement before glancing at the bruises forming.

"Oh, yeah. But usually I don't have a fuckin' clue that they're cuffed."

A light laugh left his slightly chapped lips and he shook his head at me. The guy looked like he could easily go as the stereotypical nerd for Halloween. The eyes were the only thing that kept him in the gray area of society. Where he couldn't exactly be placed in a box.

"Where did he go anyway? One minute I'm getting my ass beat and the next I'm talking to Napoleon Dynamite." I question as I glance around the crowded house, rubbing my throbbing jaw. Another laugh reaches my ears from the skinny body.

"He got pulled out by his brother. I think that's the last of him for the night. I'm Carson, by the way." He flashed a friendly grin and I could tell he expected a name in return. But I didn't want the taste of my name on my tongue, I wanted the poisonous medicine of nicotine.

So, I fulfilled my craving and put a cigarette between my sinful lips. Leaving behind a Carson within a sweaty crowd, in search for freedom. The four beige walls turned suffocating and the anatomies became too close. I needed out. I didn't really know why I did this. Threw myself into social outings then got overwhelmed half way through.

I guess, in the middle of it all, I realized this isn't where I belonged. It isn't what made me happy. It was just a place I could get lost in, a place where an ocean of people were my disguise from the world.

And it helped...until I was half way through.

Less than a few minutes I found myself being engulfed in the night air that smelt of countless strangers and fast food restaurants. I loved when the sun retreated and let the moon borrow its light. Letting us rest our eyes along with our souls and allowing us privacy. The beryl blue layer on the color of space was almost therapeutic.

Almost

No matter how many times my eyes laid on the sky that replicated the pigment of the ocean, it didn't heal anything within me. It didn't replenish the desert that was my mind or the decaying shell that was my body. It was just a pretty blue that earned brief sighs of admiration.

That may be my biggest problem that laid on top the rest. I kept looking for things to save me without saying a damn word or doing a damn thing.

Que patetico

The cracked street was vacant and perfect for wandering, so I walked the line that was painted in between. Letting smoke irritate my lungs and the wind to erase my thoughts. Sometimes, when the world was silent, I actually was able to appreciate its strange beauty. From the cracks in the buildings to the unorganized stars. Imperfection was what my eyes found first before anything else and that's what I ended up loving the most. That would result in me going for the ones with perfect complexions and straight teeth. The mundane restricted my heart from beating fast in a barbie doll's presence. In which I wouldn't be capable of falling in love with a masterpiece, but only admire their aesthetic.

"Learned a lesson?" A wonderfully familiar voice came from a chipped bench on the sidewalk. Accompanied by the lovely Jupiter Astrid, the girl who lived a different life every week. Her voice wasn't light nor feathery like you would expect from a teen aged girl. It was slightly deep and smooth, giving comfort like warm milk. Her face wasn't one of ordinary, it was square and sweet. Furry brows that were exercised too often by expressions were placed above her chocolate brown eyes. Many beauty marks made constellations on her honey skin and her button nose gave her a look of innocence. I felt like I was spoiling her by just being in her proximity. I saw her eyes examine me studiously through her unkempt raven curls.

It lit a fire within me at feeling her gaze on me, no matter if I noticed her or not. Jupiter had a presence that connected deep within me. Maybe because we knew each other since we were in elementary school or because she had a thousand realities within her. I didn't know.

I just knew I got the most drunk when those forests of bark watched me. Analyzing all that was of me.

"A lesson? Oh, yes. Quite a good one, too." A smirk tugged the corner of my lip that I knew was stained with blood. She gave me her famous head tilt, reminding me of a puppy.

"Let's hear it," Jupiter replies and leans back with ease. Interest dancing within her chestnut irises. I began making my way to her.

"To wait 'til the boyfriend isn't looking." I calmly joked and a smile spread her plump lips thin. It did a poor job. Her thick lashes almost covered her eyes when she squinted at me with light reprimand.

"No wonder people see you as a bad boy."

"And how do you see me, Jupi?"

My body stopped at the pole that was diagonal from her. Leaning against it as I watched her as she was watching me. Many thoughts of what she was going to say raced through my mind. My heart thundered against my ribcage and I didn't realize how she viewed me was so important. But I kept my cool, like I always did. That's what bad boys did, but also people that just didn't want to show their feelings.

Something flickered in Jupiter's pupil and her head tilted to the opposite side, as if a question passed through her.

'

"What I see is a flawed boy who smokes..."

And that hit me. A breathy laugh escaped my tight throat and my vision blurred with salty tears. The simplicity of me being nothing more than a flawed boy. It was oddly refreshing, the reminder, I wasn't disastrous like an earthquake or torturous like a heart-breaker.

I was merely a flawed boy who smokes.

Arlo 

I'm not captive here. There's a window looking out to a sunny field and a forest where the field ends.. I have food, water, everything I need. I can open the windows if I want to. But I never tried to open the front door. When he isn't at home or when he's sleeping, I get out of my room, walk that long hallway and put my hand on the doorknob. I can't move my hand. I wait like that for minutes, maybe hours, asking myself why I can't do it. It's like a move I forgot long time ago.

But then again; I'm not captive here, I can get out if I want to. Some nights when he fucks me in front of the window, he tells me about the forest and how it's better if I stay here. It's much better to stay here, bend over, be a good girl and let daddy do what he needs to do. He says no pain, no shame he inflicts is worse than what could happen there. Even when he cuts all my clothes so I'm naked all the time. Even when he puts all the toys in my pussy and asshole. Even when edging feels too much and then all the orgasms make me feel light headed... What can happen outside is much worse.

The things he does, he calls them "wild things". Like the movie, unimaginable but you know they happen to someone somewhere. That's what he calls them, he says it's love, just wild. When he forces his cock down my throat in front of the mirror and shows me how it moves in my throat, it's just because he wants my throat so much. Even though I feel like I'm being suffocated, I can't take it anymore and my eyes water, it's just that he can't get enough of my throat. When he calls me all the terrible things, but then he says he doesn't mean them ever. When he tells me to take more, when he tells me to shush, when he ties me up and leaves for hours, it's all because of love... Just wild.

Years ago, he told me how good girls always want bad boys but they can never really love bad boys. And he's going to teach me how. It'll be worth it, it'll be worth it just for the satisfaction I get from believing him. Even if it takes months, years; he's going to teach me how to love a bad man.

5 months later

City FM Radio Station;

8:00 pm

"Helooooooooo everyone !..This is RJ Caderick on your daily drive time show !.... So how are you all ? .... Today is Christmas, a very very happy happy occasion and  we have someone really special with us...well there are three guests today..so let's get calling the first........he is the new face of business world ... fine I'll give you a hint ...... Leading business tycoon and the highly renowned playback singer...... I'm sure now you have guessed ..... Ha ha yes.... The one and only.........................Leonid Nikolaev"

Saying so Caderick looked at me.

"Hi guys" I said on the microphone in front of me.

"So Leonid... How's has it been lately?! " asked Caderick.

"Quite okay... "

"Okay??...... The leading business tycoon and the new singer says he's okay with life!! Now that's something to ponder about" he said chuckling.

"Ha ha yes.....well precisely it feels great.... To be honest! "

"Now the truth is out !... Anyways it's Christmas ! It's cold outside.. And weather is romantic too ... so one song please .... your die hard fans are waiting desperately..... "

"Sure!..... And........... Ummmn this ones for a very special person.....Though I know she isn't listening now! " 

I said with a sigh and grabbed my guitar which was resting by the table. I took in a deep breath, shutting my eyes tight and let it begin,

*

*

*

And she was there right in front of my eyes, just out of nowhere in the blackness. 

  Natasha. 

She sat there on the hospital bed and I remembered how she had asked me to move on and come to her grave happy. It has been five months now but nothing has changed. I'm still the same old Leonid. Just as I was.

I opened my eyes as my fingers hit the last chords of the guitar strings and she faded away bringing me back to reality.

"Wow ... No wonder why you have more female following  " said Caderick, clapping his hands happily as I ended the song.

"Thank you " I faked a laugh, keeping the guitar aside.

"So Leonid .... Before we finally move on to our first song!...... Tell us something that's really close to your heart?!.... Something related to love maybe ! "

"Love?!........ It's a feeling that can be felt only when you fall into it ! .. It makes you.. Or it breaks you!..... But you know I remember someone had told me... No ones born Superman!... Though you may be the strongest of strongest ... at times you break .... Everyone needs a support system...and love.. That's the best support... You share your feelings... You get attached.. when people love they share a bond... A bond so strong that detachment is never an option....... So if you are in love with someone .... Don't ever let it go....and yes do tell the person you love that you love them cause everyone doesn't get a second chance ..... cause nothing lasts forever, neither us nor things... just make sure you have the best story.. "

I looked down for a while, at loss of words.

Memories! The best thing about memories is making them. You know its kind of a game, where you try to make each moment memorable. And as for me, I have memories to! We all do, don't we?! But what about the bitter memories?! What about remembering how someone left us! How we needed a second chance to make everything right?! What about memories that come and go like nightmares? Memories that haunt us and we only wish to erase them, but alas!

"Ahhh.. True... " I heard Caderick say. I guessed, Caderick had already realized I was in a flashback.

"So guys.... We'll be back with the second guest tonight after short break and a romantic songs!..... Till then stay tuned..... "

.

.

.

It was nearly 9 that I walked out of the radio station and headed towards the parking lot. And in around another one and a half hours, I was back home.

I felt nervous as I stepped out of the car. This was a habit now, I would get down and stare at my house. I didn't feel anything when I did that. But somehow I wanted to do it again and again and that counts this time too. I would just stand there and stare. Things had changed the past months. Dislikes were likes and likes were dislikes. But me?!

A strong gush of cold December wind swept over my face and I started walking, not towards the house but the backyard.

I stepped on the grass when my eyes fell on the Christmas tree. The huge Christmas tree and, it looked beautiful. Dad would always decorate it, and though I never appreciated it, I liked it very much. I cared, yes I did. Anything and everything people did or said to me had an effect.

I walked closer to it and closed my eyes, taking in the scent of the place. The air was so fresh and the decors that hung from it looked awesome.

I opened my eyes and looked down to find a gift there and slowly opened it. It was small box in a sliver wrapping paper with a red ribbon tied to it. From the size I knew they were chocolates, cause this is what it had been for a long time.

I opened the wrapper and found the chocolate box but along with that was a letter this time ! I unrolled it slowly to find just five words written there. And they were just enough to bring a smile on my face. I looked down at the beautiful writing and smiled when,

"Leonid.... "

I looked up from the paper to the voice.

"I love you too! " I said without wasting another second.

.

.

.

Yes she was there. She was always there. Saving me and finding me like I said ,

she was a like shooting star but I had managed to make my wish , just on time. I did have a second chance. A chance to change things ,make things better. And so I did.

I had my Natasha back. She had survived. She had come back.

And this time I knew I couldn't loose her, again.

                        " They fell apart , not to walk in opposite directions 

                           But to realize how much they need to fall back " 

                                                              *

                                                              *

                                                              *

                                             LOVE FOUND ITS WAY 

                                                           END

I see your sunken eyes, I know

what you're doing

I know why

Sister... How strange to call you that

Our past is shaded,

shared only by a "father"

who

my longing to know as a child

became

A longing that you never did, and

I wonder if he ever wonders

of either of us behind the metal bars

caged like a mad dog...

If he ever cared how he was supposed to keep you safe

If he ever cared about your mother's well being

If he ever cared when my mom gave herself out of grief

I used to feel left out knowing I'd never have someone

to walk me down the isle, to

have chased away the "bad boys" as a teen before

we learned that feeling less is the only thing

that feels like more than this life

What a shame that it was my mother's best friend

instead of her to tell me the truth

the one in the picture in an old photo album

climbing down from inside their

high school roof onto soda machines, with his first corn dog

I think he had the munchies

he always treated me like I was worth something even when

no one else did, not even myself

I love that picture

he was the only honest voice to speak of our father, before...

My only picture is the mugshot, but I heard he

used to love music

I see your sunken eyes, I know

what you're doing

I know why

You say you're better now to the world

the last last time

but you don't say that, to me

We met once

waiting to see the judge

I'll never forget how we hugged like all our lives

we'd played barbies and giggled about boys

But my mother, trying to protect me

insured that

We never got the chance

I remember when I found you online

Found the truth

You'd searched for me for so many years

I couldn't believe it, at first...

Could I have protected you?

You look so much like me, but prettier, even

with what your escape attempts have done to you

We both have our fathers eyes

both filled with different pain

overflowing past the smiles

we plant so carefully like eyeliner

painted on just right

He reminded my mother of his younger brother, her

first and only true love

who died in a car accident

I don't know much about your mother

I was told she was a junkie, yet

It feels like a lie

We could have been so close

We could have been sisters

What if we had been born in swapped lives?

What if we had just had a fighting chance in either?

What does it change that your tormentor is jailed?

What does it make better that a brutal beating,

or my own encounter

with a man, though not one to me known, that they

Jailed him?

Thinking about it makes me want to

forget, too

in that space where reality's a tide and

the numbness consumes you, the

only time it doesn't hurt so much

I message you, yet

you never respond, anymore

and I become desperately helpless

I don't want to see you become

another statistic

where no one sees who they really were, who

could have been- could be any one of us next

with the slightest slip

So many have been lost, I know

but do you really want to join them so badly you follow suit

This only ends one way

In a town so desperate to escape

that if we can't leave in our bodies, we leave in our minds

one after another never to return

Is this what we meant when we swore that one day

we'd leave this town and never look back

Please come back...

I see your sunken eyes, I know

what you're doing

I know why