I can’t decide if it would be worse if you were dead. If you couldn't see me instead of choosing not to. Sometimes, I think it would be better if you were dead. Maybe it would hurt less, make everything just a little bit easier. But maybe I would miss you, or the thought of you at least, I mean, I don’t really have much to miss. All of the memories I have with you are invaded by the demons of our mistakes.

I’m three years old. There is a constant rumble of fighting in our tiny house. It’s never quiet. I opened my mouth to scream, but nothing comes out, even so young I was empty. Tiny hands gripped once welcoming bars, but now I was trapped. The once comforting animals now have burning red eyes, and they're yelling too. It’s getting louder, it isn’t stopping. I cover my ears, I have to block out the sound. Then it was over, the once growing song ended with a loud bang, then it was quiet.

I’m six now, an angel in the manger scene for the preschool. I kneeled down by the badly designed manger, hands clasped around each other, my white dress falling around me, staring down at the blank-eyed baby Jesus. I prayed, telling God he could have all of my Christmas presents from Santa, my Barbies, everything, as long as he made sure you were there. I think Mommy heard me, when I saw her in the crowd her eyes were red and puffy and her lip was wobbling. I didn’t mean to make her sad. We cried together on the way home. Why do you hurt us like this?

I’m nine now. You were supposed to be here, at my dance recital, you were even supposed to do a dance with me. But you didn’t, you didn’t even show up. That was the year I quit dance. Obviously, I wasn’t good enough if you wouldn’t even come see me. I was nine, hating myself for something you’d done. Hating myself, thinking that I had run you off. I shouldn’t of been crying because you weren’t there, I shouldn’t of been blaming myself! I should've known.

I’m ten years old. I haven’t seen you in four years. It was my first band concert. You promised you’d come, and you did. Maybe it was because it was my birthday and you felt obligated, or maybe you were actually trying. You bought me flowers and a card. I thought you’d actually changed, how naive. After that night, I didn’t hear from you for almost a year. Kind of pathetic isn’t it?

I’m twelve now, you came to watch me at semi-state with the marching band. I hugged you, then you left, you always left. I guess I wasn’t that important to you afterall. But I don’t cry, my lip doesn’t quiver, my chest doesn’t tighten, I don’t feel like I’m under water and the surface keeps getting further out of reach. But at the same time everything keeps getting further away. I feel numb, empty, and you did it to me. You did this to me, you made me grow up too quickly, you made me aware of the fact we often got close to losing our house. You made me this way. A hard shell, unbreakable, walls unclimbable, unable to reach the broken shards of a girl inside. How does that make you feel?

I’m thirteen now. We don’t speak and I never see you. You’re just a name. A ghost in my life. I don’t mind, or I pretend not to at least. Neither of us try anymore, it was a one sided fight and I was tired of losing. Don’t worry though, I got the message. But there are still words unsaid, and what better way to say them then in a letter I’ll never send. You’re the one who made me how I am. You’re the one who left me, don’t you dare try and blame it on me. Not when you wake up every morning and get in your truck, adding up miles on roads that don’t lead to me. How could you forget me so easily? I’m thirteen years old. I have ambitions, and dreams, and sometimes, I mess up. Sometimes I can’t pull myself out of bed. But I’m still your daughter. I’m still that little girl wrapped in a pink blanket you held at the hospital. You loved me then, why not now? What changed?

I’m not angry, not anymore. I’m not sad, I don’t resent you. I want to know why you made me into this. Why you made me fear love, resent affection, hide from light. Why you decided to quit caring, made me another welfare case, another fatherless face. I want to know why you just stopped, caring, trying. But most of all, I want to know why you broke me. Why you were the one to rip me apart like a monster, instead of being the one to put me back together. I want to know why you don’t support me, why you don’t call, why you don’t care. I’m fourteen years old, I lost my dad a long time ago, and I’m not sure that I want him back. 

In this place, the dead sing their songs from tombs concealed in snowy mountains. An ancient language is etched in stone and blade alike, presenting riddles that few remember. And while a king, divine in right, sits upon a duty-bound throne, his successor commands a steadfast army of men and women. 

Every man and every woman carries a sword held in a sheath of paranoia and skill, for in the times a man thinks he's unbeatable, he learns that there is always another of greater strength. 

Most edges of the kingdom embrace with another, claiming alliance or adversary. To the south lies a sea that wraps around the world in search for new lands. Sailors take the helms of their ships, steering through currents of ocean waters and cloudy winds. 

The towns and hamlets within the country see travelers day and night, for there are many who seek the warmth of an inn and the song of a bard. Warriors may travel alone or in the company of companions, such as their magically-gifted friends, the mages. 

Skies of painted white and sun-kissed hues tower over the forests and their kin as if commanding the world to take on their colors. This is why the time before dark and the dawn's song of day are famous across every battlefield; the sky pours its colors into the scenes where men have fallen, enriching the bodies of the lives that have been lost.

Those seas of raging blue carry creatures unknown to man and the seeds of foreign plants. Thus, there are new forests upon the water's edge.

Many people have died in the kingdom's wars, and been born into its families. And with each new generation, the people carry an array of stories and secrets given to the successors of every man. Secrets of the dead that sing their songs in the tombs, of men that fight, even in death. Stories about the princes of old, about the holy sword with destiny upon its hilt. Theories that are written across pieces of yellowing parchment, and spoken from the masters of a college. Legends retold to the children of those who have seen them, and to those who have acted in them. 

But that is not the true gem. No, what many find value in is what lies below the waters. For every river there is a path, and for every sea there is a kingdom. 

The forests that appear on the shore sprout from the waves, mirroring their counterpart's appearance like the reflections they disturb. And beneath the sea forests' canopy is a world not unlike the one of drier climes, enclosing those who cannot live without the water that fills their gills. It is where the creatures not known to man walk, trudging through the ocean land with few problems like the dry ones' wars, or the secrets and stories hidden within the folds of time.

This, this is the true gem.

This is the place some write stories of, telling myths of the land beneath the seas of raging blue. 

"Utopia," they whisper. If only it were true.

Baby Blue

I miss you every day

Your absence has ripped through my life like a tornado.

Leaving every part of me broken

Piles of irreparable debris

Where once a normal woman stood.

I'm trying to put myself back together.

But there are cracks in the walls of my mind.

The foundation is still shaking.

I saw you on Saturday and every time it's still a shock that you're taller than I am.

The air always feels heavy with the truths I'm dying to say but don't.

I wonder if you can feel it?

I try to convey all the words in my heart without speaking.

We're connected, you and I, whether you like it or not.

Can you feel how much I miss you?

Can you feel how much I love you?

Do you know that you're the only true love I've ever felt?

Love without question,

Love without reason,

Love immeasurable until my dying breath.

Even if you cut me off completely,

I could never do the same to you.

I would take every pain in your place if I could,

I would sacrifice my life for your happiness.

Such is the curse of a mother.

Fish will fly without fins,

while the sky paints,

polka~dotted grass twills,

elephants will dance

turning shades of pink & green

as they float together on walls

alongside small

waterfalls of lolly~pops,

not gum drops ...

And you will whistle a tune

something to do with the

June moon,

And vibrant yellow fruit-flies

will land pleasantly by

your side,

playing the sweet

sounding bag~pipes.

You see, ...

you'll see

such pretty things,

Your dreams will forever

be disappointing ..... .... ....

My apologies

for the salty tears

and vulgar language

there's no excuse. ...

I treat paper like my therapist,

and get mad

when it doesn't speak back ...

My mind is water

My heart is oil

They won't mix ...

My heart wants sober

but my mind says "why?"

Again,

left without an answer ...

I'm sick, I realize this ...

I fear, there isn't a cure ...

Can we say cunt here?

I need a word

any word 

to shock you 

the way the bottom of my heart 

fell out

when it happened. 

All I have left of you now 

Is words

Your flowery 

Politically correct 

Diplomatic

Proper

Advanced

Elaborate fucking words. 

Words that declared that we were now "us"

Words we would say at the exact same time but by accident 

Words we made up that nobody else knew

We had:

Scrabble winning words

Silly words

Happy making up for missed childhood words

vulgar words

We even had:

words for dark fucking secrets I will never ever tell

words for the closet light you never wanted to turn off 

words for that dumb tv series we watched 

words for our selfish mothers (lots of words for them) 

words for whatever god just put us here and then LEFT.  (Remember the night when we decided he left?)

So can I say cunt here? 

You cunt. 

You left me

in a panic

desperate to talk to you

with no more words! 

No words for the smell of the emergency room 

No words for how long it took to get your blood off my skin

No words for feeling like I could cry myself to death 

No words for screaming until my throat bled

No words for finding your other other "in case of emergency" stash 

No words to lie to the police (yet they believed me)

No words for the sound of your voice when you knew I was giving up on you 

No words for the look in your eyes when you gave up on yourself

No words to declare I was giving up

No words in the whole goddamn motherfucking bullshit language to describe 

leaving you

leaving you in that dark apartment 

leaving you in that hospital bed

leaving you defeated and spent and fucked up and alone

No words to explain why 

why I still can't think about you or

why your name catches in my throat or

why YOU DID THIS TO ME AND TO YOURSELF AND TO US or

why you took all (all of it!) of it at once or

why I would never be enough to fix it or

why I hung up that day or 

why I kept hanging up or

why I loved you so much I threw up on the stairs or 

why I still wake up in the middle of the night sobbing or

why we ever met in the first place or

why I still love love love you or 

why why why 

You left me without adequate words 

to say what I really wanted

something like:

I'm still with you (somewhere, somehow)

I can still feel you 

everywhere in my mind 

in my blood

in my brain 

in my bed

in my stomach

in my dreams

in my head when you get a headache

in my throat

in my nightmares 

in my heart 

in my, me. 

I love you forever

you cunt! Thanks a lot.

It means that

A lesbian couple who have

Loved each other for quite

Some time now

Can finally

Get married

Because their state allows it.

It means that

A lonely boy

Who has his eyes another boy

Can work up the courage to

Talk to him

And say

"Would you like to

Go to the movies?"

And that other boy

Can be unafraid

Of saying

"Yes"

It means that

A girl, who has

Been secretly in love

With her best friend

Can look her in the eyes

Say

"I love you"

And kiss her.

And her best friend

Can smile

And whisper

"I love you too"

It means that

Finally

People will be allowed to love

Who they were born loving

And they don't have to shy away

That they can

Finally

Just love

Freely.