I can still taste the tears; the blood. I can still feel your hot breath in my ear. Your words still haunt me at night. "Worthless" "Disgusting" "Fat" "Ugly", you repeated as you forced yourself deeper inside of me. "You deserve this", right before you put your cigarette out on my skin. I can still smell the sent of my own burning flesh. Was I not screaming loud enough as you punched bruises wherever your fists landed? Was the blood gushing from my body, the blood you continued to spill, not a good enough reason to stop? Why me? What did I do to possibly deserve the months of disgust I felt about myself? The weeks of pushing people away and not letting anyone touch me because it physically hurt? Please tell me how the fuck that was my fault. I hope you rot in prison!

“Tell me I’m not a monster, Meg, please tell me I’m not a monster. I don’t mean to be, please tell me it’s not true.” “You’re not a monster, Chas, you will never be a monster!” I wrap him in a hug as his shaking hand drops the pistol. “You are not a monster. You are not a monster.” I softly whisper in his ear and stroke his back with tears in my eyes as he sobs on my collarbone. I was told once that monsters don’t exist but that is a lie. The real monsters aren’t the ones in the movie or under your bed. No, the real monsters are walking around with a face you thought you could trust. The real monsters are the ones in plain sight... the ones that take everything good in your life.

Dark green/crystal eyes stare back at me, filled with hate and anger and saddness. Red, bloody lips from all the bitting out of nervousness and anxiety. Flushed cheeks on such a pale face. Soft, long brown/red hair that has this bedhead look to it. When I look into the mirror all I see is this lost, hopeless, sad girl; that's been through too much for such a young age. I see scares from memories I'll never forget and eyes that have seen the worst. I also see growth and beauty in dark eyes. I see strength and courage for still surviving through all those hard times. Everytime I look in the mirror I might see a broken girl, but I also see one of the strongest.

I can’t believe you just left me like this. What happened to “I got you sis, I’ll be here for you always.”? Why didn’t you give me a fucking warning? How dare you give up! How dare you leave everyone behind! That wasn’t your fucking choice! You didn’t even try to talk to me, or anyone; you just left like no one loved you! I loved you, Jon, I fucking loved you, and you took that away from me! I already lost one brother and now I hvae to watch you be put in the ground too? How dare you be so selfish! This Malibu can’t erase all the memories that are replaying in my head. These cigarettes aren’t gonna take the shake away in my hands. Did you even think about us when you pulled that trigger? What about Parker? Is she just supposed to growup without knowing one of the best men that is supposed to be in her life? I’m looking at the sky with hatefull tears streaming down my face and a broken heart in my chest. This last drink is for you bubba. Rest in peace, for all the pain you’ve known your whole life is over now.

~March 17, 2020~

My loins cry out for him. Walking to my car I colliapse on the door, due to my own clumsiness, and look back at him; smiling. He signs with a big smile on his face, “are you drunk?”, “No, Tyler, I’m not drunk!” He shakes his head, opening my car door for me. “You drink with Jade.”, that was a statement.... He gave me a peck and watched me get in. Oh how I wanted more than just a quick kiss. I shut my door and watch him start to walk away. Looking down to sart my car I hear this loud bang on my car. When I jerked my head up I saw that it was Tyler and he had slammed his fist against my car. He looks me dead in the eyes with a serious face and says, “text me when you get home.” Words had left my tongue, all I could do was nod until I was bold enough to look away. Sitting in my room with desire in my body I text him saying,“yes Daddy, I’m home.”

I wonder if a heart breaks all at once or little by little. I know I feel it breaking evreytime I see your face, or hear the sound of your voice. A voice that once soothed me, but now brings tears to my eyes. Strong hands that I once craved to hold me, now makes me flinch with fear. Green peircing eyes that once heald love and compassion, now holds a cold, dark hatered towards me. Is it wrong of me to hate you with everything I have in me, but still crave to be under your control? Is it wrong of me to still long for your lips agaisnt mine? The same lips you used to cut me with words are the lips I dream about.

One more cookie momma I promise I'll go to bed after. One more kiss daddy I don't want you to leave. One more movie sister we don't spend time together anymore. One more cigeratte brother dad found mine. One more blunt babe I swear I'll stop after this. One more night with grandma I don't know how much longer she has. One more project with grandpa he's not doing well. One more drink girl then we can go home. One more hookup then I'll find the right one. One more powdered line then I will stop for sure. One more needle, just so I can get the energy to wake up in the morning... Where am I? Where is my family? Where is my money, my friends? Why is it so dark and cold here? Why can't I have one more goodbye before my momma and daddy has to put me in the ground?

A smile is waking up early on Christmas morning to see what Santa brought you because you were so good this year. A smile is getting a rush as you bike down that big hill you thought was scary but you didn't let that stop you this time. A smile is getting butterflies in your stomache when you get asked on your first date even thought you have nothing to wear. A smile is getting your first car and being the first one to get it in your class. A smile is realizing your true love is your best friend; who knew he was right in front of you? A smile is wearing all white, walking down the aisle, with all eyes on you. A smile is watching your beautiful children make mistakes and grow into amazing adults that change the world. A smile is growing old with the one you love, surrounded by all your grandbabies you get to spoil. A smile is looking back and never regretting anything you've ever done: the good and the bad.

What if this is a mistake? What if I'm risking everything I've ever believed in just for something that's going to hurt me in the long run? Are you worth the hurt I put myself through? Am I worth the time you waste trying to get to me knowing you'll let me down? What if this is real? What if loving you is the best thing that could ever happen to me? Am I being too quick to judge? Are you wanting forever like in a sweet never ending dream?

I don’t really have a lot of friends so when they want to come over it is weird because I’m so used to being at the house by myself. One day my good friend, Kaitlyn, asked if she could come over. I was not in the mood to be social after school, so I texted my mom and told her to say no but to not ask any questions why. When I showed my friend that my mom had said no to her coming she got really sad. I kinda felt bad afterwards so I bought her frozen pickle juice and she was fine after that.