Smugly smiling sun jesters laughter from its conjecture,

My sweat rolls into tears, careful to chock back the raw energy expressed so coolly, it's almost creepy really.

I swallow, hard and deliberate to battle these molecules that only exist when I dignify them with a response.

It comes from within.

I speak that as truth, and matter of principle but I stumble and fall when walking that particular walk.

The science of exploration, excitation, sweet vibrations.

Subjugation?

Enslavement.

Gladly.

Not something I object to let you subject me to the rotation that is me.

Feeling waves of jealousy race over me, anger, rage only to realize soon after that the only reason why I feel those things is because of my own moronic ego. Fucking ego. I feel what I feel because of how I decide to interpret it based on experience, expectation, self loathing/self hate. I, I, I. Me, me, me. More, more, more. I cringe because this is a trait I despise in others and yet, at times, something totally outta control in my self.

Emphatic appositive,

appointive to feel yr vibe.

Accommodate yr mental state, an

idiot lover living undercover,

entitle me to a certain level of wastefulness.

Cosmic swirling, dancing in stardust.

Relative importance of relativity.

It matters.

To not flatter the angles of yr dimension, the Angels of existence.

I mention because we are scared in our thoughts, the things seen and not heard.

If only Dionysus and I could be friends... But the smell of booze makes me want to castrate those that boast past bad behavior. Tragic. Movement lost, eyes careful glances to stare fear straight on only felt by shallow pools of saturation leaching and etching it's way past the deep pangs that chill and warm my body all at the same time.

And with a simple kiss all is settled. Something unsettling in that, it seems to seek the pleasure of another's intended motions in order to feel the hook.

I smile with my eyes and not as much with my mouth because it feels more genuine.

Act natural but within strict well defined lines.

Funny, so I laugh, but not out loud because I breathe a heavy breath through my nose in offense and slight disgust for you to know I know your full of shit.

I can't wait till he day when you are the age I'm now because you'll see you still feel as young as you are now... Although with more back and body pains.

The wisdom that you'll only appreciate them will seem unreal when talking with someone young and dumb and what's worse, thinks they know everything.

Un-solicitation, I know but here we go.

Be kind and mindful and authentic and you'll see how interactions will be seen flawless with someone with a good 15 years on you.

I see you and all the potential and time and experiences you don't even know exist yet.

And I wonder...

What's in store for me and what lessons am I missing from someone with 15, 25, 50 years on me?

So you see my friend, present pondering makes you insightful, reflective and aware.

I will work harder for you to see sooner rather than later.

I thank you, for indirectly teaching me and for letting me keep these thoughts as we get through this lot.

You left during a really pretty song and I'm lying here in the dark with only my tears and these words to remark in what a shame today will go down as being.

I'm convinced no one will ever love every inch of me. I'm becoming resigned to this.

I'm pissed someone convinced me it was possible.

I wonder when the floods will stop? I wonder what it was all about that swirling mess I felt so deep.

Did it fool us both?

Perhaps.

I'm starting not to care and that's fact.

I stare at the darkness's shadowy walls and wonder if you feel the energy I put out.

No.

You said Id never worry but I do. Every second of everyday.

I wonder if what I feel too is resignation.

How sad we are.

Pathetic creatures of our own making.

I

Can't

Keep

This

Up

Much

Longer.

None of you will even notice.

Will you?

No.

So finite.

So frail.

I can attribute every fault I carry so heavily on my shoulders this ego of mine. Constantly trying to keep it in check. My spinning edge is intelligence. Just truth. I'm able to see it for what it is but too often I find myself grappling with the notion that it is all in how I decide to interpret a situation. What comes out is me in its raw form and it scares the fuck outta us both.

Going to bed disappointed. Too many times before playing out like some sick fucking play and I'm the only one in attendance. And I clap, one handed with fingers snapping, dripping with sarcasm and passive aggressive heavy sighs. I wish I could breathe right. I wish every word that I allow escape my plump red lips didn't seem to irritate yr every fiber. Will I matter one day? To me? You you? To anyone that doesn't have to? My doubts are heavy like the air we breathe in this shared space... It doesn't feel as if any of it belongs to me. Frustration and regret leak from every instance I seem to let you down because it was fated that I would. That's not my fucking story. No sir. I come with laughter and lightness and it's the dankness of this existence that invited in these nasty vibes. And I'm left wondering, where did I make all the wrong turns but still keep ending up in the same God damned spot?