There have been few times in life,

where my tank of emotions ran empty.

When I couldn’t feel my heart beat,

and my mind was without thought.

My body feels tired,

while my chest is tight and it’s hard to breathe.

I’ve invested everything I have.

My heart, my soul, my body,

all into you.

And all I see silence.

My stomach churns and my shoulders grow heavy,

while my intestines cave in.

Being denied once again.

My smiles fade to nothing and my scars seem to swell.

When will I learn?

I always give everything,

and get nothing in return.

I have this feeling,

a feeling of not being good enough.

I look in the mirror and hate what I see.

I wonder where my confidence has gone.

Sometimes I fear I'm not exciting enough.

That you will get bored of me someday.

And tire of waking up to my face.

That you will want something new.

But, who could blame you.

I know I can be boring and frustrating.

My moods are unstable,

and my thoughts make no sense.

I know you love me and will never leave.

But there is a part of my mind that doesn't believe that.

I wonder if you really do love me or think I'm sexy.

I do my best to crush those thoughts,

but unfortunately they still linger.

I try to tell myself if he didn't want to be with me,

he wouldn't.

But that thought only leads to more..and more.

I desire something.

Something to quench my thirst.

My thirst for relief.

Relief from this cold world,

that for me is filled with anxiety and paranoia. Sadness and stress.

I crave happiness.

With a blade I used to draw blood,

now I try to use my words.

But sometimes words just aren't enough.

I need more.

But what of?

People tell me I have an "addictive gene".

I'd have to say that I agree.

I need something.

Something to take the tightness form my chest,

the ache from my back,

the sleepless nights,

the panic attacks.

I want something, anything at this point.

Nicotine, alcohol, food, a blade.

Anything to take this away...

Six years.

Six years of support and love.

Tears and crying on shoulders.

Growing up with one another.

Our childhood showed us how to not be.

Both from dysfunctional families, yours more than mine.

You don't know your dad, don't speak to the other and don't understand the last.

Mom never showed you how to love another, so you keep your heart closed off.

I've passed by most of your "CLOSED" signs, but only with Tequila do some switch to "OPEN".

You slammed the door on my heart.

It makes me feel unwanted, not needed.

You pour adrenaline in your coffee and sprinkle impulse on your fries.

You claim your not afraid.

But if you have no fear, how are you so scared?

There is a monster that lives in my head.

It controls my movements, my thoughts, my dreams.

It makes my hands shake, my mind swirl and my pores leak.

Some days, it sleeps in longer than others, some days it doesn't wake at all.

But when it wakes the whole world changes.

I am no longer successful.

I am no longer confident.

I am no longer motivated.

I am no longer myself.

I am tired but somehow overstimulated.

My thoughts race,

My heart rate increases,

And I can't help but pace.

This monster controls my life.

It makes me rethink my dreams and takes me away from reality.

I wonder what it's like to be free.

One day, I will taste freedom. One day I will be in control.

That feeling is back. The feeling I have pushed away for oh, so long.

I can feel my stomach turning and my mind swirling.

I can't help but shake my body in hopes it will reduce the stress.

I pick, pick, pick at my fingers to find some type of relief.

But, the only thing that comes from that is lose skin.

Oh, what I would give to feel the coolness against my skin. Somehow, the disappointment I know it would inflict keeps me away from the drawer.

Feeling the sharpness, the heat, the sting.

Red.

Keeping it secret would be too hard. Or, too much for my mind right now.

Maybe if I'm ever alone again,

maybe if I lose love,

maybe if I lose myself,

maybe if I just can't keep going.

Maybe then,

I'll do it again.

I wish I could leave.

I wish I didn’t need a degree.

I wish I could accomplish my dreams and still make decent money.

I wish I could enjoy life without stress.

I wish I could make more time, time for myself and for others.

I wish I didn’t feel anxiety, anxiety about things, I can’t even control.

I wish I didn’t hold people I love back, keep them from pursuing their dreams.

I wish I had more confidence, and that my brain wouldn’t warp my body.

I wish my scars would be less visible, but also, sometimes, I wish I had more.

I wish my life was going the way I planned.

But I guess I should get back to reality.

Will you still love me,

If I'm covered in ink and metal.

Even when I'm old and wrinkly,

And maybe my tattoos don't look like butterflies.

Will you still love me?

On days where the sun doesn't shine,

And the clouds shed tears.

When I'm too tired to speak,

And all you hear are snores and slight movements.

Will you still love me?

When I fail.

When water rains from my eyes,

When I'm too distraught to think,

And I can't do anything but hold on.

Will you still love me?

You wake up,

Startled by the sound of crows outside your window, or a snow plow rumbling down the road.

In that first second of regaining your thoughts,

You forget everything.

That dream you had is gone,

lost forever.

It only remains in the depths of your brain,

Where you repress the memories you would rather not remember.

But why did you have that dream?What took place while your eyes were closed?

You don't know.

You can think so hard your head aches,

But it won't come back.

It's almost like you lost consciousness or became disconnected from reality.

But the dream is gone,

Your memory has failed you,

And the seconds, minutes and hours you were asleep become lost.

You want so bad to tell someone about your dream.

But you can't remember.

You're left with no explanation.