Your silence finally spoke the truth.

(Extra words, blah blah blah, oh ya, baby, oh ya, Extra words)

Death

It just might be

The only way

I will survive my

Life

I sit on my front porch

Staring into space

I don’t know what to do

I’m all over the place

I’m feeling so unloved

So unwanted and worthless

My entire being feels empty

I can’t take much more of this

I don’t know where these feelings are coming from

And why they are what I feel

They just came and took over

Like my happiness was just something to steal

I’m feeling so jealous

Cause everyone has people who care

I am one of the odd ones

Cause I literally have no one there

People around me

Have so many friends

To pick up the pieces

And make all the mends

All I have is just one person

And that person is me

I can’t depend on anyone else

No one will ever set me free

I’m doomed to this world

Of loneliness and sadness

There will be no laughter

No sounds of joyful bliss

I’ll lay here and wait

Until someone breaks down my wall

I don’t care who it is

As long as they catch me when I fall

That sound so desperate

But that’s because its true

I need someone who cares

And turn my black skies blue

I desperately need someone to love me

Love is something I’ve never had

I don’t even love myself

God, that’s so sad

But that just won’t happen

Those cards will not play out

I am not meant to have anyone

I truly know this without a doubt

No one will ever come to my rescue

When I’m paralysed with fear

I’m just not worth saving

I scream, but no one is ever close enough to hear

I will forever walk this road

The road of lonely souls

I will be this way forever

When these tears finally take their toll

But until then I’ll sit here on my porch

And I’ll keep staring into space

I don’t want to be me any more

I just gotta get out of this place

C. Lodge

Today there was this moment, a moment in which every fiber of my being seemed to have been hit with an intense electric shock. I could no longer move, my breath caught high in my throat, my stomach in knots, and my heart was overwhelmed by this peculiar feeling of what I can only describe as an over abundance of energy that desperately needed to be released. This moment happened when I realized that I didn't just say goodbye to my father for what I thought would be the last time while standing in the cold November rain, with red and white flashing lights dancing around us, as the most difficult words that will ever cross my lips were muffled by the sound of a running ambulance. I have had to say goodbye to him in some way, every single little moment since then as well, and every time I do, a piece of me dies. The worst part is that those "moments" seem to be endless. It's not just the obvious moments like holidays and big events. There are so many others, that are just as, if not more challenging to struggle through, in the darkness of the shadow cast by the immense cloud of despair: that is grief. Every single one of those moments, immediately transports my shattered soul back that "The Moment", the moment of all moments, the moment that has forced all these other moments to become "those little moments". It was the moment I spoke those soul shattering words, just as they caught the cool November air and were carried from my lips, I choked on the stagnancy of despair that enveloped my soul, the silence was deafening, and I was left blinded by the darkness.

The first time I heard the word Cancer after losing my father it caused a sadness within me that invoked such an intense feeling of despair it brought me to my knees in anguish and filled me with a hopelessness that seemed almost impossible to shake. Or the first time I called my mother and heard my fathers voice tell me; I'm sorry we're not able to come to the phone right now..." . I could almost feel my hope and faith attempting to escape me as I'm overwhelmed by an excruciatingly vivid memory of holding in my arms the frail shell of a man who was once my superman. As he faught through every shallow gasp, his weak body grew heavier in my arms. I held him close not wanting to ever let him go. As I kissed his cheek for the last time, a single tear slipped from his tired eye and slid down his gaunt face where it came to rest on my lips, in that moment I knew my dad would never be coming home again. That cold harsh reality permeated to my very core it was as though it were ice coursing through my veins.

But there is one moment that I am dreading so deeply, that I may actually do everything in my power to completely avoid because I know this moment has the potential to completely destroy me. This is that moment after I do something that I know would have made him proud. But this time when I turn around to look for him he won't be there. I won't see his face, I won't see that smile that could have lit up the Coliseum, I can't look into those baby blue eyes that once were able to invoke pride within myself with just a look. I won't be able to feel the overwhelming love I always felt in his embrace, and I won't ever again be able to hear his voice as he speaks the words that almost hold as much significance to me coming from him as I love you...

"I'm PROUD of you".

The worst part is knowing that every single day of the rest of my life will be made up of "those little fucking moments", and that every single day at some point I will once again find myself standing in my driveway in the cold November rain, holding my superman in my arms while red and white flashing lights dance around us, my lips lightly pressed to his cheek, as sound of a running ambulance muffles the most difficult words to ever cross my lips which were moist from a single tear he shed...

"Goodbye daddy, I will always love you, I'm so PROUD you were my dad".

C. Lodge

To love a sociopath

Is an easy mistake to make

They have so much charm

But they cause so much harm

They know everything that makes you tick

They are full of lies and evil tricks

They know exactly what you fantasize

Because they constantly psychoanalys

They will be everything you ever dreamed

But it’s nothing more than their scheme

They come across as confident people

But of course they have no fear

They seem so charming and sincere

But the ability to love isn’t all that they lack

They will feel nothing at all as they slide their knife in your back

But oh my god they are fantastic in bed

It’s beyond intense as you give them head

It will only be you, they’ll have you believing

They have the devil within

Their perfect looks are decieving

They have no shame

They are never to blame

They have no remorse

And yet of course

They have no real friends

Friends are only the means to their ends

They keep no connection to their past

The epitomistic iconoclast

They have an inflated ego

But that you’ll never know

They hide their inner narcissist

Yet another act so pertinent

Making them that much more sadistic

In true form cold and distant

Real human emotions are nonexistent

They should win oscars for their acting

All you value, they have been extracting

With sociopathy you often see

A Jekyll and Hyde personality

To them everything is a game

With a steady hand they take perfect aim

You are their prey

Nothing more than a pathway

To get precisely what they want

While completely nonchalant

They will use you

And emotionally abuse you

And when they are bored

You will be ignored

Devalued and discarded

You will be left desheveled and broken hearted

To love a sociopath

Is the easiest mistake to make

And you won’t know what they are

Until it’s far too late

Because chaos creates the aberration

Charming master of manipulation

Who only plays your heart for recreation

Pure mephistophelian

An almost human chameleon

Your eyes will lock as he speaks the words, I love you

And to you, I am forever true

Without the slightest change in expressions

His shorts still damp, from earlier transgressions

It’s all a game

You’re the game he’ll play

You’ll never win

You have no chance

Within his dance

Spinning webs of decipt

He will always earn defeat

And you’ll be left devistated

He will have you laying lifeless at his feet

Long before you even heard the music’s first and final beat

To have loved a sociopath

C.

There’s this feeling within me, an all consuming emptyness, an emptyness that seems to have an unmeasurable weight attached to it. It’s as though I’ve become the beast of burden who’s carrying a load that is infinitely multiplied with every inevitable stumble along a narrow, eroded lose gravel path. The view of grand, statuesque, snow covered mountians that seem to be nothing more than an extensions of their own flawless reflection created by the exquisite, crystal clear lake they border, serve as a treacherously beautiful distraction. On the breeze dances a sound, a song, one I seem to know perfectly, even though it has never before been played. Every beat of the song in precise timing with the pulse of my heart. It’s angelic and seductive, indescribably innocent yet extraordinarily perverse, as if it were the song of my confused soul. The fog which seems to consume the stagnant air around me dissipates when it’s played, a song that is my light, a light so bright it could illuminate my darkest night. So completely entrancing I’m blind to the transparent premeditated serendipity of it all. The majestic mountians, and sublime crystal lake are nothing more than smoke and mirrors, enticing me to, even just for a moment, relinquish my vital full attention from negotiating every step I take along a more treacherous, narrower version of Hells Gates Trail. The blatant premeditated serendipitous moment has been victorious in its task, as I give in and seek solace in glory that is the mirage. Only to be torn away from the euphoric mirage and reacquainted with the daunting face of reality as the lose gravel gives way beneath my feet, and I am brought to my knees in unbearable emotional and physical pain. My heart seems to skip a beat or even two, the silence is deafening, the song of my soul ceases to play, the darkness blinds me, my light has conceeded to the darkest night. I am once again alone, exhausted, my emotional energy depleted, my soul, every fiber of my being beaten down, believing I am too weak to continue, I curse the song, but before the last word is able to escape my lips, once again I feel it, the pulse of my heart, I hear it, the song of my soul, I see it, the light of my night, but this time, I remember it, the euphoric mirage of my heaven, that leads me to suffer in pain in my hell. You will always be, the Pulse of my Heart, the Song of my Soul, and the Light of my night, but you’re also the inevitable pain of my euphoria, which I have to remind myself is merely a mirage.

Well it's obvious that our time together

Has come and has passed

Even though I truely believed ours

Was a love that would last

Throughout not only this lifetime

But on through the next

But the way that it ended

Will have me forever perplexed

I wonder if things were different

If she hadn't been involved

Maybe without her presence

All our problems would be resolve

There's nothing that I wouldn't give

For a second chance right from the start

Without loves poison that is her

Attacking the love within my heart

I wish so much

That the time would come

When the pain subsides

And I become numb

Better to have loved and lost

Than never to have love at all

Was obviously written buy a guy

Who's heart didn't have far to fall

If I had known

The way it would end in advance

I absolutely would

Have sat out this dance

When it comes to that someone

Who becomes the pulse of your heart

If there is going to be an end

I'd just prefer there was never a start

But this is a

Once in a lifetime kind if pain

I know, because no one else

Will ever have this power over me again

He chokes on her loves abundancy

He finds no solace in her company

Every breath she takes

Annoyes him with redundancy

Dreadful moments of feigning interest

Her existance completely indifferent

How could he not be

Cold and distant

Through no fault of her own

Perpetually in the friend zone

For him there’s no attraction

Her face created for the phone

To him she attends

Her feeling of love more than transcends

But she knew from the start

They could only ever be friends

Both their pasts have been hard

Inside both horribly scared

Each at opposite ends of the spectrum

Their emotions diehard

This should come as no surprise

Their time together has met it’s demise

She prays for him to feel something

Staring at him with tear filled eyes

As he walks out of view

A moment she’s more than use to

She’s consumed by worthlessness

As she whispers,

I’ll always love you

Long ago, while we were living separate lives we both suffered through our own personal hells. We were handed the same fate. The same fate that brought us together 9 years later, within a murderous flashback rage, would destroy everything we ever cherished.  I stood helpless before you, my caring, worried stare locked to your cold, empty eyes that glared straight through me. Your forearm pressed tightly against my throat, your bicept firmly clenching the back of my neck creating a deadly vice.  Every breath I struggled for was  bound within your tremendous strength fueled only by your own pure terror.  6 times that night, you looked at me, but you didn’t see your best friend, within your minds sick game you relived the war, an Afghan soldier stood in my place. Without a second thought, or a moments doubt, I graciously, respectfully and honourably conceded my life to you and for you! I only have 1 life left to live, and yes this life too is already being giving up for yours. Even though you’ve since walked away, and now my mere existence is something you refuse to acknowledge,  your empty promises of eternal friendship, and your  support along my way.  Each day starts, within the game my mind continuously plays,  you and I stand face to face. I take a deep breath, and think to myself only 19 more times today, until the never ending replay that is featured in my dreams starts again tonight. I’m barely surviving in a hell that no one understands. The phrases “let it go and don’t dwell on the past” make my blood boil. “He tried to kill you and then just walked away,  he’s not worth protecting, you should be thankful he’s gone.”   I will live out this life that is worse than any hell, but there is no living for me to do all I can do is allow my body exist. My one last life is already yours, I will never betray you, you know my word is my bond, my lips are sealed, your road to recovery is worth it all.  If I had to do it over, there isn’t a single thing I would change because to me, YOU are more than worth all my 7 lives!

C. Lodge

Think of them every single day

With every flag we raise

Our hero's deserve our deepest thanks

For giving their lives for ours

Some in death and others in different ways

There's no bigger gift

That one man can bestow

Than to put your life on the line

Risking all that you are for the freedom of someone you don't even know

No words could ever convey

How much love, respect and pride

We have for all who served

You are all Hero's, the reason we're alive

Please accept our deepest sympathies for all your Brothers who have died

Pheonix McKenna