It came undone,

Then, there were none,

Save one,

Me.

Sitting, on a silent peak,

Reaching for the stars,

Asking for heaven's guidance,

And advice for all of man.

The wind it blew,

A mighty howl,

Fiercely tossing me side to side,

Yet I waited, undeterred, for the smallest of signs.

From flowers blooming,

To leaves dying,

I counted the years flitter by,

Until, no longer could I listen to the silence of the skies.

I screamed,

I shouted,

Until my voice gave way,

Only quietness gave me a reply.

I ran away,

From that place,

Defeated,

Tears now in my eyes.

Into the world,

Of man, I found myself,

Wishing,

For the silence, on the hill.

Yet, there was no returning,

For it was pillaged,

By the greedy hand,

Of man.

What follows is my thoughts/rumination about why I get suicidal urges and depression that won't go away for the last 8 years. 

What was it all for? Why did my generation give up 15 years of our lives in wars that accomplished nothing? I live in constant pain and I can’t remember the last time I slept well without medication. I walk around permanently angry at the world. I missed so many holidays and birthdays with my family, that I am surprised I still have a family. 

 I am a generation X kid. We were raised in the 80s and 90s. We knew who the bad guys were when we were growing up. Democracy was good and Communism was bad. After 15 years of war and more deployments than I want to remember, the only thing that I am sure of is that the problem with Iraq and Afghanistan is that we were there. You can’t convert people to democracy if you give it to them with the heel of your boot. 

Our generals FAILED us, our senior leaders had no idea how to fight this war, and the casualties just continued to climb. We soldiers were stuck with the garbage leadership that didn’t leave the Army under Bill Clinton. The Army offered big money for people to get out early in the early 90’s. The smart ones took it and ran. The crap that was left over stayed on active duty and became our senior leadership that thought the best way to pacify a nation was to kick in their doors and search their houses. How’d that work out dickhead? 

We lost more people in Iraq than on 9/11 and no one has ever been able to show me why we were there in the first place. We demolished Afghanistan looking for bin Laden and then found him in another country that was supposed to be our ally. 

What did my brothers die for? What are they still dying for? We have 22 suicides a day and climbing, because no one cares. America doesn’t care about us and most veterans know it. The Republican party has fought time and again to get rid of Obamacare, but they have no problem with the VA allowing vets to die from neglect. The Democrats want us to go to war with no money for training or equipment and just figure it out once we are there. There is no political party that is good for the soldier. 

As I approach the twilight of my career, I look around at all that I have done for my entire adult life and realize that I wasted my life for a cause that I can’t even define. You want to know how veterans get to suicide? We can’t fit into this society because of the war, and we don’t know why we went to war in the first place.   

The clock struck

midnight.

Wide awake.

Chemicals

rabble rousing.

Crank.

Crank.

Crank.

Wind me up.

An old alarm clock

ticking.

I need pitch.

Grey matter itching.

My pores are

a billion tiny eyes,

soaking in each

stitch of

wayward light.

Street lamps.

The tiny red ember

of the space heater.

White moon.

I am a rooster

at the ready.

Limbs curled like

spaghetti.

Mouth dropped

open.

Throat full of bells.

I could wake hell.

A large

dark bird

torn apart

in the middle

of the road.

I think of the

sinewy parts

of chicken wings.

Dead flesh.

Of how it must feel

to have feathers

embedded in

epidermis.

So stupid.

Kept awake by

bird sounds.

Most days,

things are silver.

Gunmetal.

Pallid.

My leaves fall off

with the season.

I am hard,

skinny branches

thwacking together

and beating against

a window

in the night.

Chewing the skin

from my lips.

I am dead swamp grass.

Dry.

Rustling.

I am a husk.

Itching from

the lack of moisture.

Frigid.

Frozen and slow.

Lonesome.

I am overcome

by the noise.

Overstimulated.

Speech in my skull.

A slumgullion of

CAPITAL LETTERS.

A vernacular

of oversensitivity.

A clitoris chafing 

against tight fabric.

Provoked to

agitation.

When I look down,

I see my shirt

is a different color

than I imagined.

I've been too consumed

to look at myself.

The talons of anxiety

have exposed my innards.

A bloody inflection.

So much lost

that my limbs tingle.

Exposed to tiny terrors.

I can see the allure

of walking into a river.

The gentle splashing

as my feet

part the current.

Maybe, the Allegheny.

The Ohio.

My pockets full of rocks.

Weights on my ankles.

Not succumbing.

Not selfish.

Just seeking silence.

A need to be nothing.

To unfeel.

But, existence

is polyphonic.

We carry

the love of others

like burs.

Like a bird eats seeds

and shits them

someplace else.

We are never isolated.

I dream of numb,

but in the morning

I just go to work.

I throw a wide net

to accumulate a catch

for many faces

so if it seems curious

or uncouth

to share the meal

keep in mind

despite the cozy spots

this boat isn't fitted

for pillow shipping

An endless war ravages the streets

Surrounded by enemies

We will find no safety

Nor peace

Yet it's dangerous to flee

Over deserts and through the seas

Pack our families

It's time to leave

There is no place we can go

Unwanted

Abandoned

Starving

Begging

Paying with endless tears

Calloused feet and empty hope

Blood stains our weeping hearts

We made it here

Now we're shunned

Death stalks us

A shadow always near

Slowly constraining our breath

As the world turns their head

Shrugs their shoulders

Walks away

Another's problem

Just go home

We would love too

But there's no place

Left to go

Ne'er had I loved another

Like I had loved you

Perhaps

I'd never really loved

'Til you came along

You

Were my one true love

And I–

I was just a phase

They say it's better to have loved and lost

Than to ne'er have loved at all

But they don't tell you

That when you love a love

You lose everything

In the absence of love

There is a void left

In the middle of the chest

And its filled with bitter tears

I hear my grandma say

Drink chamomile tea

Sniff some mint

And rub alcohol infused with marijuana

I can still feel the lively red

Of pulsing flesh

That this sentiment

Scratched upon my back and chest

I hear the nahual say

Dance under a full moon

Drink the blood of a goat

Burn peyote and let the fumes purify you

I can still sense the burn

On my heart

This love doesn't talk anymore

Only stares at me growling and hissing

I hear the witch say

Bring me graveyard soil

Bring me black wax

Bring me raindrops

And lit the candle I'll make from those

The bright flames only make its shadow bigger

The fire makes it boil with wrath

I'm almost only bone

And he's about to drink my last drop of blood

And there I am laying down on the ground

Hopeless and irritated while blood leaves my body

Injured and almost dead with my open vivid flesh

I'm about to go to slumber when I hear the last person say...

Get up...

Let me stitch those wounds of yours up

Let me oint those scars with caresses

Let me soothe such sore heart with requited love

Get up...

Let me revive you with your first kiss...

DA 2015

You're pretty and you know it

using those glassy eyes to tame -

my heart's suckered 'n you know it,

post-sex love purely (surely?) to blame

my mind melts as I grow weak at the knees

your gaze flitting from sultry to predatory -

blood gushes, adrenalin flushes

sweat dripping upon my skin lust-crazy, expectedly

oh I'll burn these nervy butterflies

with this blistering searing fury,

argh, stop this Pretence girl

'cause it's just starting to bore me -

[Mind Control to Inner Soul;

"what's your status?"

Inner Soul to Mind Control;

"help! The guts are dead and the heart is fractured!!!"]

my body slowly dying, polluted sick

with the caustic affection you instil

"WARNING; cytoplasmic deterioration imminent -

extreme psycho-bitch overkill!"

for now I know I must give up the chase

the Neurones have received a final transmission (oh please no, it can't be);

"This is .. Inner Soul to Mind Control..

we're all so tired.. so tired .. so .. sleepy - - -"