My grandparents. They are conservative, Fox 'news' watching, trump supporting, LGBTQIA+ hating, people. I love them, I do, I can't blame them for the way they were raised, but still, ignorance does not excuse racism. People are raised with toxic ideas all the time, and once they are adults, it is up to them to educate themselves.

My school. I go to a predominately white school, with a Native American as my mascot, I am used to pretty ignorant people, I hear the N-word and F-word thrown around like it's nothing, and the teachers do nothing about it. My classmates have said blatantly racist things to me, and I always, and I mean always, feel that I am in the wrong for taking it seriously as if I am the problem.

My point? I have to watch my mouth in front of my grandparents, I can't even discuss race unless I am prepared for them to spin it into some kind of debate. I also have to watch my mouth at my own school. Even in front of my all-white friends. For some odd reason, I feel invalid for talking about race in front of my own friends! I feel guilty for censoring a big part of me. I am a victim of racism all the time, and yet, if I talked to my grandparents about it, they would explain it away. If I talked to my friends about it, they would quickly change the subject. Even now I feel someone is going to defend them, I don't know, it's f*cked up.

All I need is trust

Anything else on its own is not enough

Nothing can make up for lack of trust

Only bringing self-doubt, annoyance and heartbreak

Because there is nothing that trust hasn't made

A friendship without trust becomes a pyre

They started playing with matches,

So I started playing with fire

How is it today?

It's worse.

What's making it worse?

Nothing, it's just worse.

What's it feel like?

Like a giant weight that keeps pulling me down. I don't want to eat, I don't want to do anything. And I don't know why.

So what are you gonna do about it? Gonna keep pretending that it's not there? Keep wallowing in the denial? How did that work out the last dozen times?

I keep thinking of ways to kill children. It didn't really start until I had my own.

Suddenly, there I was, thinking, Look at this--small enough for him to put it into his little innocent mouth while no one's looking. He could choke! And, My God, turn the pot handle in toward the hot stove. Little hands could reach up and pull the boiling grease all over her. And, Should I put up some type of fence barrier thing on the railing of the balcony? They'll climb it. Of course they will, and one will push the other, and one would start to fall, and he would grab at her on the way down, and they both would fall to their little senseless deaths.

Once you have children, you begin to realize the worst possible thing that could befall a parent in this life. You're keen to inspect the floors. You smell for trouble. Your imagination begins to construct entire scripts in which the young, feckless, and clueless come up against the laws of physics, which are unyielding, and these children will get severely injured or die.

It's terrible, this monster I've become. Every object is scrutinized for the perfect tracheal diameter. Every sharp object is seen as something a child could run with. Little bodies don't like extra holes, unless it's a tube put in for ear infections. And it is exhausting to consider all of the things that could put out an eye. I don't know them all, but I think of new ones every day.

I sand without eye protection, but the little shitling better not even be in the same room.

Just how well do we trust that old dog of ours? Is cat scratch fever really a thing? Let them play outside--really? Are you out of your fucking mind! Is that just some rash or the harbinger of Neisseria meningitis? Another cold--that's two this year--leukemia? diabetes? How do I know this liquid Tylenol hasn't been...yea, that's right...tampered with?

When I'm stopped in traffic under an overpass, I back up a couple of inches so the falling girder will crush me instead of the kids in the back. What's in that aromatherapy machine I smell in Grandma's machine? Eucalyptus? Peppermint? Wintergreen? That stuff can kill them, for God's sake!

Are those vitamins really necessary? What about hypervitaminoses? Did you even think about that?

Yep, just when I think I know all the weird ways to kill a child, a new one stuns me back into the sobriety of mortality. How do I think of these things? Was I a child-killer in a previous life? Or has evolution given my children this survival advantage?

My kids are grown. They survived. And if I so much as catch any of 'em with a cigarette, I'll kill 'em.

Toxic, yes. Stupid, no.

The definition of happy is "feeling or showing pleasure or contentment"

I think I am broke because although I have its aesthetic

I can smile and say I feel joy

But I only feel bored and apathetic

I am not happy

Most times I just stand there all idle

But sometimes I feel something dark

I think they said "homicidal"

I will sigh under my breath, my heart heavy with sadness. Someone will overhear. They turn to me and say...

"Same." We will make eye contact. We will smile at each other with mutual understanding.

We are both tired.

We are both broken.

We are both healing.

Slowly.

Sometimes rain comes flooding down,

When it’s simply meant to be,

Sadness never brings the sun,

Just achy trembling grief,

I never did believe in love,

Until I saw him there,

So please forget my heartbreak now,

When you have gone away,

I loved him then and love him now,

And never will I stray,

Today my friend you are true strength,

My shadow dancing friend,

Slowly sway and swing with me,

Until love's endless bliss.

Knowledge streaming mindful gifts,

share it with all who seek to know,

but keep it safe from those who wish to waste it

Freedom is for everyone,

Not to be forsaken,

Do not take for granted the warrior awakened,

The fighters heart full of love for all of god's creations,

Lift your hands put down your guns,

Let the world join together instead of hatred,

I am but one, but if my words can help but just one,

Then my heart will be totally elated,

Join together instead of hate a kind and simple gesture,

A friendly nod, hold the door, a kind smile instead of scorn,

In a world filled with so much scorn you can sequester,

So lets be but one and join together yesteryear I mourn,

Tomorrow is not guaranteed nothing is for certain,

Spread good cheer not hate and greed,

End all evil war and hate just close the hatreds curtain,

Lets all live happily and everyone be freed!