I sleep most of the day,

I like sleeping.

I barely eat.

I have to force myself,

At least once a day.

Is this living?

Or am I just alive?

Sometimes I call it healing...

“Healing”?

Tired, fearful and avoidant,

Numbing me...

Perhaps surviving?

I’m just comfortable to say

“I am ill”

Nothing to be happy about,

Yet I find comfort in it.

At least my little victory:

I did not indulge in self destruction...

I am not going deeper..

deeper.. deeper...

You make me feel yellow

You paint me inside

Bright like the sun

Richer than gold

You fill me with that yellow

The mustard yellow color

Which Van Gogh fell in love

Yellow

My yellow love

How many mistakes would be undone?

How many regrets would’ve been irrelevant?

God only knows the prayers,

The wish to turn back time,

To solve the aches,

Heal wounds

And stop disasters.

Yet we’re left with ruins,

Bitterness and sadness.

If we could only hear God’s voice,

The only way is keeping up,

To learn that the past can’t change

... yet we CAN change the now

... I can change.

How exquisite is the luxury to let ourselves love someone so deeply

Oddly compared to the masochistic pleasure to yearn over them.

To willfully choose our longing and meticulously replay memories just to reassure our love.

Just to stutter a pitiful "I miss you" to the air to directly crash to the floor and echo through our own walls.

But more importantly to ourselves, for stubbornness would never regret the sin of tenderly loving someone this religiously.

Forever live in a cell of ghost feelings till reunited and never comply to our debt.

For that elite warmth within the heart resembled a miracle.

We met by accident...

Like a car crash

In the middle of the highway.

Unexpected it was,

I couldn't see you and it hit me.

It was dawn still dark,

10 min before sunrise.

Somehow it was God's will,

I drove with no road

Then force and impact pushed me

And in 5 milliseconds I saw it all.

I woke up and there you were,

It was all crystal clear.

Your face, your smile, your soul

All together with the first Sun ray,

At pace with the early morning light.

I’m sorry… I’m sorry we have met. Don’t get me wrong, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry I had to find you in the most unstable and uncertain stage of my life. You met me in a very strange time of my life. I’ve met you in a world of resentment and instability. We encounter each other in a period where fear, anger and ignorance conquer the atmosphere. Where violence is becoming a daily activity and resentment eats people’s souls. I met you in the most terrifying, messed up and mixed moment in my life… and yet in this world full of coldness you gave me kindness… sweetness… patience… compassion. You kissed my wounds and my bruises, dried my tears and sorrows, and warmed up my soul and spirit.

…

..

.

But I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m so poor I can’t give you much but my humble destroyed pieces of what my life is. The little of what my flesh is, the engraved scars and fears in my body and soul, and the already dried blood running through my veins.

I don’t know why... but I can’t. “You’re doing great!” “You’re awesome!” “You did it!”

These are things I never say. From thousand compliments I only see the flaw, the rejection, the unbearable criticism. And it’s the only one I believe, as if it was my faith and religion. When someone tells me a honest warm compliment I condemn it. I think they’re lying. An echoing evil voice whispers into me “it’s all a big fat lie”. Lies lies lies! I don’t know why am I so afraid of myself, of what’s within me. I live in a infinite fraud, so long to almost believe that I’m not suffering. But irremediably before I can achieve that... I stop. And again I sabotage myself with a big big scam.

You're such a succulent and I'm such a cactus. Both struggle through extreme environments... but thrive differently.

You grew thicken leaves who turned into hypnotic striking and unusual appearances. So raw, so unique... so flawless. Prosperity through kindness and forgiveness. Soft to the touch and welcoming to the new.

And me? .... I lost my leaves and grew spines. Seldom grow a mesmerizing flower and short growing seasons. Self defense system to keep everyone away from the rich fructose of mine. Easy to look but difficult cares for I may sting you.

For you, that I admire you but at the same time envy. For you that are so kind when I pinch and push everyone. For we both keep richness in ourselves but you rejoice and share. I, in other hand, keep it to myself with pain and few who take the proper cares. I the cactus and you the succulent. For every cactus is a succulent but not every succulent is a cactus. For you, that I hope I can learn how to retain life without showing my spines or dying. For this cactus who hopes one day to be a succulent without spikes.

I don't ask a lot in return,

However it all fell short.

Didn't need all your love,

Just a bit to be enough

Like two cubes of sugar.

I don't intend to drain you,

I'm not a lily flower but...

Even cactus need a little bit of water.

They say home is where the heart is,

And if thatʼs true then Iʼm divided.

Iʼm not from here but Iʼm not from there.

Iʼm from nowhere…

Or everywhere?

What is home anyway?

Is it the building?

Is it a roof and a bed?

Or is it the place where we can loosen ourselves?

A local misfit in my hometown,

But a sense of belonging as an outsider.

They say home is where the heart is…

Perhaps I'm homeless.