My fingers hover over the keyboard

I don’t know what to type

I’m afraid of what should come

If I really lose myself in the writing

Sometimes when I zone out

I look back at what my fingers do

And am astonished

I had no idea that was even in my mind

It scares me

I don’t want to be an open book

Especially for strangers online

My mom did that

It was really bad

She wasn’t even trying poor thing

But I won’t think about it

I refuse to think about it

And I will not let any such thing happen to me

Not me

So this I am afraid to lose myself in writing

Funny because when I feel stressed

Or scared

I choose to plunge into the keyboard

And lose myself in writing

But not this time

This time I hold myself back

Reserved

Out of fear

Fear

Fear

Fear is an interesting word

It can mean both good and bad

“Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom”

But fear of people is sinful

Fear of yourself is real

I am afraid of myself

Those pieces I have stored so carefully

In the deep recesses of my mind

I am afraid they will resurface

If I lose myself

I don’t want that

I close my eyes and hide away

From the fact I know myself

To be a horrendous hideous monstrous creature

Deserving of nothing

Yet I can’t let it show

When some of those pieces come to light

The people stare

They walk away

Leaving me more alone than over

And they think that’s the worst of it

They have no idea

Tip of the iceberg

The iceberg that will sink the Titanic

The Titanic me

Seeming beautiful

But deeply flawed

Doomed to sink

Down

Down

Down

Until all the good in me dies

And my life is a wreck

At the bottom of the ocean

People don’t talk about when the Titanic sailed beautiful

They talk about when it sank

How it never resurfaced

How nearly everything on it died

If the stuff of life is born

Of the things that make me ache

Then, Dear God,

Let me break

If tears are what's required

To make my roots go deep,

Then, Dear God,

Let me weep

If a broken heart is one

Of the promises you make,

Then, My Lord,

Let me break

If tears water the soil

Of the harvest that we'll reap,

Then, My Lord,

Let me weep.

If the King of Glory

Was broken for my sake

Then, My Jesus,

Let me break

If scars are of the only thing

From earth that we can keep,

Then, My Jesus,

Let me weep

A Church I follow has an app (Crossroads Anywhere) where we journal together as a community, and one of the things we journal about are things we are thankful for. I wrote these for this week’s prompts from the app....

10/11/2021

“What are you looking forward to this week?”

- Seeing the new Venom movie with my son tomorrow night.

- Attending a comic convention with my family this weekend.

- Spirit Week at my school.

10/12/2021

“What are you grateful for today?”

- A meeting at school for my son going well today.

- My employer being flexible so I could attend the meeting.

- Movie plans with my son tonight.

10/14/2021

“How did someone help you this week?”

- My son being a great movie theater buddy this week made for a fun change of pace.

- One of my bosses fixed a broken light in the student restroom of my classroom right away.

- My wife transporting me to work and my kids to their extracurricular activities on the days that we need it.

- My co-teacher helping me to get things organized before she moves on to a new opportunity in November.

10/15/2021

“Affirmation: God has great plans for my life.”

Thank you God for a longer sleep last night, thanks to my kids having the day off from school.

10/16/2021

My wife is special because she encourages all of us to be the best versions of ourselves that we can be, and has also kickstarted some of the things we enjoy together as a family, including the comic convention we are partaking in this weekend.