- If you think I'm over it you're terribly wrong. This is my self defence system. Hurts? Work harder.

- The way you act it's like nothing ever happened.

- Because it's easier. I spent a lot of time trying to make it go away. It didn't work so I started pretending it did and soon I got used to it. That's the scariest thing a human being can do... getting used to it.

- So you still miss him?

- Every night has his name on it. When my throat feels like it's closing up it's because I need that strenght he used to give me, especially now that everything's so fucked up.

- But then why didn't you reach for him?

- Because then I close my eyes and I picture him saying those things to me face to face... "Stupid girl... go to hell. Don't dare talk to me again." So I don't dare. Who knows how much his answer could hurt if I did...

- You don't need him.

- I never did. But yet I did. I never will. But yet I always will.

See what your problem is? You take months, if not years to stitch up and then when you feel somehow put together you're ready to let him run all over you again because you put him first.

It's gonna hurt girl, it's gonna break you if you let it get to you. People give chances on trust once, twice but never a third time and you got yourself giving over the limit to someone that did nothing but take it for granted. Now breath, drink up, tomorrow will be another day of learning to live with your own strenght and no one will ever dare call you soft ever again.

Well Wednesday is gone = worse bit is gone.

Now there's Thrudays and if you get past the fact that you didn't sleep shit once again it is almost bearable until you get to lunch and realize there are like two hours left to get out of that lab class and then you feel like you're gonna lose it and pass out... miracle is... you actually don't. The professor knows you're gonna sleep any time on the desk now so she starts making you "participate" and you do, you actually try to grasp that the shape of that particulr molecul is the reason why it is polar...huh? what?? And then the minute before the bell rings you are already at the door sprinting out. You run for the train and in your mind you think "you know what? I'll finish studying those 30 pages for the Genetics test next week or maybe I'll go over some of those driving licence quizess"... Yyeah sure... ten minutes after the train leaves the station and you're dreaming. Then you get to dear ol' Alessandria and the sun is already going down... by the time you get home it's around ... 7? if you're lucky... Have dinner. Study. 40 minutes of trademill if you don't die before that then GOodnight... No, just joking. Lie down and roll over, go on facebook, turn off facebook, think think think think... wait, no, don't think anymore or u'll never sleep.... write it down you may free your mind a little... HA! just joking, that's just another piece of paper that will start another thousand or so thoughts... the alarm clock goes off. HEY, WAKE UP it's 5:40 am! Good news, It's friday baby... if you can handle 4 hours of school maybe, u can live a little.

"And remember thousand other people are doing this or worse", that's what every single person you even try complaining to will tell you... but did they do it themselves? I'll tell you a little secret...No, of course they didn't, but they don't want to give you the satisfaction.

DON'T complain to those that won't get it... lay your head on your mom's lap and without a word, know that she knows... text your dad that you love him even if he's so difficult... because he's doing it all for you and he knows you're doing the best you can. Hug your friends as long as you can on saturday nights and have a beer with them, because you earned it and because they know too, they see it in your eyes and hear it in your voice...

They stood by you for as long as you can remember, so keep holding on, not because you have to, but because you want to.

God envies how I let myself go in the amazing oblivion of being a teenager.

Every lit up joit, every make out session and all the small little everyday things I do pisses him off.

But I am sure, that if I had to choose the very reason he will eventually send me to hell is that I don't give a damn fuck.

I rather make life heaven.

I remember the moment I got out of that car, my face covered in that huge hood of my grey jacket, the soft fur covering my face. It was raining. I found it perfect. It was just one more thing we both love in the background.

I remember watching your back, your leather jacket soaked, your hair wet as I made my way up those few steps. I was nervous. And I could tell you were too.

We didn't see each other's faces until we were inside, in the warmth of that lobby and I took of my hood and your eyes met mine,... nothing else really mattered. I just wanted to put my arms around you and just be there.

And now those eyes and what they made me feel... I wish I could just forget, unlive it, unfeel it.

Thoughts

26/04/15

Takes me a second to look back exactly an year and realize where I was then and where I am now. Things happened which I never expected. I lost it multiple times but I'm here now. Now I know what it means when they say "what doesn't kill only makes you stronger". Now I see how easily it trust can be broken... it takes a few harsh words... a little hate, betrayal and everything is gone... not all things can be healed with a hand shake... there's a limit to every pain.

I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I knew mysef... that was foolish of me to expect. Truth is, that although the pain and the tears crashed me each and every day, all the mistakes I've made and all that I felt made me see who I really can be, even though to figure myself out completely will take me a lifetime of mistakes and I've learnt the hard way, that no matter how much we would like to think we are indistructible we will always have that weakness, that poison that we cannot help but love.

Life and whatever there is behind it, has a fucked up way to show you your place. It tests you and teaches you things no teacher or parent was ever meant to teach you. The most important things, you teach yourself by fucking up. No one is perfect. We are human and as such we are drawn to what we cannot have, we live for the impossible, we fall in love with big words and sweet talk.

I swear that words will be the death of me... There is something about a promise that makes you feel so safe. Something about a few words of love that make you feel so special. The challenge lays where you least expect it... when there are no more sweet words and you have to learn to love yourself.

Love yourself... for some people is so easy... for others it's the impossible.

I don't know about many things. I will never know about many things, but it gives me relief to finally know where I stand right now after such a long time of standing in the dark, never sure about things.

I've learnt to wait. Wait the misery out, that empty hole to fill. Forget about it, keep myself busy. Work harder, let myself go, lose control, but never completely. The night comes with the ghosts. Memories you cherish. Eyes you cannot forget. Words that cut deep. But it's ok.

I am young and I'm alive.