I used to upload my writings fairly often to this website, I don't quite know why I stopped. Or well, I stopped writing for a time, that's why. But I don't know why I never returned. When I remembered that I had this account I was curious to look back and see what I'd written years ago. It felt very pretentious but I guess most written texts do once you read them a long time after writing them.

I was struck by how much I've grown the past four years. I say grown because it feels like a positive alternative to "changed". I know I've changed, everyone changes, I would just like to believe I've changed for the better and not for the worse.

Where am I in life now? I'm studying to become an architect, stressing about my current project and if my performance will be good enough. The winter blues have officially struck and that always fucks me up. I write songs and record spoken word pieces that never get released, I treasure my close friendships without throwing my health to the side for their sakes, I have a bare walled apartment of my own now.

I've learned that asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, and that I don't need to seek validation from others.

I've grown up but somewhere deep down inside I'm still just a kid.

Hate Hate Hate Hate. bubbling in me boiling broiling hate. my blood is hate. i must rid myself of all the hate. the pain, so much pain. hurts so bad. on the inside out. i break a glass. crush it. take the pieces. squeeze the pieces. relief. sweet sweet relief. painful relief. painless relief. the blood seeping out. the hate seeping out.

What a shame it would be,

To compare this feeling to something as fleeting as love.

And what a shame it would be,

To compare you to something as short lived as a summers day.

Love is something as overrated as the summer itself.

You are too calm and dependable to be likened to the powerful winds of May.

But summer ends too soon,

And the sun shines too bright for my eyes,

And sometimes it loses its golden glow,

And the summer is not as beautiful as it could be.

But you,

You are my forever.

Your presence never fades,

You never lose your glory nor your beauty,

Death cannot overcome your glorious existence,

You and your youth will live forever, twisted in these words.

So long as these words remain, we are eternal.

I smiled at you weakly. Said I was fine. Just tired. I wondered what tipped you off. What made you ask if everything was okay. Did my face slip for a moment? Did the pain shine through my eyes? Did the corners of my mouth drop a micrometer too low?

I wasn't lying. I really was tired. I'm always tired. In several ways. I'm tired of life for one thing, I am also literally exhausted from both stress and lack of sleep.

Okay maybe I lied a little bit.

I'm not fine.

On one hand I want you to know I'm not. I want you, expect you, to see through my lies. On the other hand I am terrified for you to see through them. Terrified you'll keep asking me. I especially dread that, God forbid, you'll worry about me.

I'm perfectly fine.

Dear Diary,

You should consider yourself lucky. I managed to scrounge you out of a pile of crap in my hurried rush to pack all "necessities". I didn't get hold of a pen until we raided the department store. By we I mean me and Adam of course. 

I thought Dad was crazy, prepping for the apocalypse. My whole life he's been filling that old bunker with canned foods, water, and Lord knows what else. Who would've thought he'd need it? At least he wasn't right about the aliens. In fact he always mocked the possibility of a zombie apocalypse.

2 days down and 363 to go,

So far I've cried once,

I've laughed 10 times as much though.

I spent 19 seconds watching the number 16 become 17,

Not daring to blink once,.

3 things changed as the year rolled in

The month became 1,

The year became 2017,

The day became 1.

Though I have 7 things that need to be changed,

I make 0 resolutions for the year,

As it's an age old tradition I find deranged.

"Come on. Just take it off. Just for one day. Pleaaase." she begged.

I stared at her. In utter shock I said simply;

"No".

"But whyyyy?" she had the gall to ask.

Oceans of anger and skies of disappointment smacked into me. 

There were so many answers to that question. 

Because my hijab is part of my identity.

Because my beauty is something for me to guard.

Because my religion commands it.

Because I dress however I want to.

Because I will not let you change me.

Because I do this for God and for myself, and you are not worth taking it off for.

Because I stick to my beliefs and my principles.

Because I would be a hypocrite.

But all I said was.

"I don't want to."

I should've let it all out.

Should've yelled at you.

Should've walked away.

Shouldn't have forgiven you for it.