Growing up I have always heard the words " I was not always this way", I never quite understood this.

Not until now....

During my life's journey I had come across many characters that played a large role in the being I had become. Both bad and good. If I am being honest the bad ones played a much greater role. They had mold me into something I never thought myself to be. I had become more closed off, I think twice before letting in, I smile when I want to cry and when I am hurt, well The little glint that shines with pure evil thoughts shine a little brighter.

I have gone from crying to being numb to not caring and finally to planning the destruction of those that have hurt me.

As a little girl it was easy to trust, to believe in myths and fairytales.

It was easy to see the light through the darkness in people and times

Funny how that all changes as time grows, People tend to change you. Mold you into the opposite of who you were as a child. making you overthink every situation.

people leave that promised to stay and those close to you often are ones that betray.

I use to trust in everything and anything. But now I can say I love you without having trust. I can say I care without feeling completely feeling safe that you feel the same way too. I can give you all off me while my walls are still standing firm.

I am who I was created to be

A one of a kind type of me

Not always fully understood by all,

And never want to feel like I am being controlled

Sarcasm is my forte when anger strikes,

It is the way I warn people off, how I define my 3 stripes...

I am annoying and bubbly when my mind is not over thinking

But most days I prefer to be alone, with my eyes closed and never blinking.

I can be the hidden sun that peeks out its head beyond the grey sky

But I can also be the rumbling of thunder.

I can come off motherly and caring

But, press the wrong button one too many times and I can come off as heartless and unbarring.

Masks or walls?

A question I find myself asking more than I should.

But in all honesty I choose both, and that is why I am very misunderstood

I hid behind the smile that never reaches beyond my cheeks, eyes wide open but never seem to sparkle or dance in the moonlight.

I have build these walls around my heart because I no longer carry the will to fight.

People see someone young and inexperienced, and my masks make them beleave this.

Wearing them allows me to hide away for just a moment from my reality. and keeping my walls up keeps safe my mentality.

As a human, it is normal to feel as though, that submitting to another human is a weakness. Keeping in mind, I am a very stubborn human. But this only relate to other humans.

In my spiritual life, I do not believe that submission is a weakness, I fully believe it is a strength...

Submitting to God takes bravery and faith in the intangible. It is walking a dark road but believing that there is a reason. It is pushing doubt aside from time to time and reminding yourself that God is not to be questioned. Because, even when you don't see, feel that force nudging you in the right direction and hear that voice you desperately need to hear in your darkest time telling you, "It is all going to be fine" you submit because you Believe that even though you can't tell if your prayers are being heard, as there are no signs, you trust that God has already walked the path he has designed just for you... for your purpose. Regardless of how dark it is, God knows that at the end you will be stronger.

As a child, I believed people were born evil. Due to how villains are portrayed in movies and books. I believe they were created that way...

Now looking back and understanding movies more in depth... and rethinking life it self. Well, my life...

I have found that villains' are created by people who surround them. Often the ones closest to them. Mainly family. People who stab you the back, people that gives nothing but empty promises, people that take you for granted when they need a shoulder, but is never there to catch you when you need someone...

At some point, you get tired of being let down, tired of wearing your heart on your sleeve, and in the end; you just switch off your emotions....

and this action...

This action leads people to think that you were born evil, forgetting or overlooking that they are the reason you became this person...