I spotted you sitting,

A smile on your face,

Gazing at the sky

In a world of your own.

I wondered then how you were,

What you were thinking.

What was making you smile,

A smile that stole my heart.

The breeze blew your hair,

A strawberry curtain concealing your face

For just a few seconds,

Then that smile again.

And then your phone rang,

And your smile quickly faded,

Replaced by a sadness

That tore up my heart.

You listened in silence,

Then hung up the phone.

Your head in your hands,

My ears heard your sobs.

I wanted to hold you,

To swallow your pain,

But I knew it was futile,

I was no use at all.

As that train hit me,

I pictured your face

As I saw it just now,

Adorned with a smile.

But now you have heard,

How I met my end;

And all I will see

Is your heartache and pain.

I saw her from across the room. She was no traditional beauty. In fact, she was very ordinary. She was laughing loudly with some friends. There was nothing spectacular about her appearance. She was overweight in a plump sort of way, talking to a group of thinner, more stereotypically attractive women, but I was drawn to her. I was drawn to her overly-attempted confidence, however hidden her insecurities were, and they were there. I could see it in her eyes. They betrayed the confidence she was trying so desperately to exude. But I didn't even feel sorry for her. I felt no pity, like I usually do with women of this sort. I was drawn to her annoying laugh. I was drawn to her plain grey cotton dress that did not fall right on her body. I was drawn to her worn-looking black flats. I was drawn to her curves, even though they were in all the wrong places.

I was drawn to all the wrong things. But I was drawn to her. This woman whose name I did not know.

I dated all the right women. I had a long-term girlfriend who lived out of state. We were engaged, even. And yet, I could not take my eyes off this woman.

It was this utter magnetism I had never experienced before. It was like the Universe had brought us together in these unlikely circumstances and said to me, "I don't care who you are attracted to; this is what I am doing."

I can't argue with the Universe's plans. Fate? I never believed in it.

But my thoughts were getting ahead of me. I was thinking way too deeply into this. But that is what I do. I overthink.

We were at a party. A large company party. I had no idea who she came with, or if she'd come with anybody.

I had to talk to her. And, and what? What would I say? I needed to talk to her. I needed to say something. I needed to cooperate with this utter magnetism brought on by inexplicable means. I was compelled by outside forces even I did not understand.

I walked towards her, lacking confidence, which is usually not a problem for me. I have always been a cocky jock, but no one would tell you, or even know for that matter, that I'm actually a thoughtful introvert, pondering life's mysteries at every turn. I am not that shallow.

Maybe that was it. This woman and my undeniable attraction were a mystery.

I had to solve it.

By the time I got to her, her friends were involved in other party endeavors. I opened my mouth to speak, and then a sudden feeling came over me. I had to kiss her. I just had to. It was an undeniable force to which I almost lunged.

"Hi, I'm Stephan. I - I saw you and I just had to come over...and..."

"I'm Laura, hi." She said it, staring straight into my eyes.

"That doesn't matter. Your name. I - I saw you from across the room and I was so entranced by...by you. I don't know why. I have a fiancee and I have no idea what I'm doing -" I kept rambling off my life's story in what seemed like nonsensical fragments, but she just kept nodding at me and smiling, like she understood.

"I have to..."

And I kissed her. It was awkward at first. I gave her no warning. My lips slid over hers and to my delight, she kissed back. Our tongues danced a bit, and I grabbed her shoulders to pull her closer to me. Her responsiveness to my kiss gave me confidence, but just as I began to get lost in the moment and forget my audience with careless abandon, she stopped me.

She stared at me. "No one has ever done this to me before. Kissed me randomly at a party with no explanation."

I waited for more. Some sign of reciprocation of my indescribable feelings towards this stranger.

"I did not feel anything in that kiss. I thank you for your passion and it is both remarkable and refreshing...but I do not feel an attraction to you, Stephan, and for that I am sorry."

"But-"

"Curiosity," she said simply. "I was curious."

I nodded. I had been turned down by a woman who was not even in my league. I felt all the familiar feelings of my arrogance return, and in utter desperation to salvage some sort of self-importance as she began to turn away and talk to her friends who were now gathered around her again, I said "It was a bet. A dare. My buddies - they dared me to talk to the ugliest girl at this party. Have a good night."

I could not help but look back at her as I had neared the door to leave the party. I had to know. I had to know if she was laughing, if she was back having fun with her friends as if I had not even done what I'd done...as if she'd never met me.

She was staring right at me. She was not smiling. I stared back. Right before I turned around to leave this awful party, I saw a subtle tear escape her eye. And then another. And another. She made no effort to wipe them away.

In that very moment, it was the worst I had ever felt about myself.

I run a hand through my freshly cut hair. They were all going to be watching me. I could see it out of the corner of my eye, feel it in my stomach. My fingers tugged my cuffs a little farther out from under my jacket sleeves. I adjusted my ring again, on my middle finger, on my left hand, the ring I only took off when I showered pretty much.

Suddenly Bowen is at my side and he gently slaps my hands away. “Stop fidgeting." he chides and gives me a warm smile. I stare at him for a moment and then give a jerky nod and look out onto the stage again. The other teenager was about halfway finished with his piece. One Kylar Gold. He was good. Fuck it, he was incredible.

Bowen takes hold of my chin and pulls my attention back. "Isaac, babe," he murmurs leaning his forehead against mine. "You'll be fine. You're perfect."

I press against our point of contact, desperate for the way it grounded me. "You'll love me even if I screw up?" I ask, attempting to lighten the mood although my voice comes out with a slight quiver, betraying my rampaging emotions. I could feel my legs trembling in my pressed slacks.

Bo, wonderful, beautiful Bo presses a quick kiss to my lips. "Nothing you do could make me stop." He carefully hands me my violin and bow and stepped away.

"...Please welcome to the stage, Issac Elas!" I stride out on the waxed floor. I scan the audience, give the judges a formal bow and put my instrument under my chin. I exhale, close my eyes, and put fingers to stings. God help me, I thought.

we jokingly call him Goldilocks

hair of a Greek god and he knows it

blue eyes. green eyes. it depends

they shift but they stay steady when his gaze meets mine

perfect kisses

he knows how to make me lightheaded

he tastes like sunshine

broad shoulders strong arms

safety

he will always protect me

easily distracted unless we're alone

he's the one who makes me feel same and safe and wanted

Simply be Emptiness,

and in being Emptiness,

you experience Perfection,

since Nothing is Perfect

and Emptiness is Nothing -

and Everything,

paradoxically.