Which is ironic, because I am a girl.  But I just don't understand why anyone gets enjoyment out of a dance, and especially why girls especially spend so much money on them.

A little bit of background: every year, my high school has a dance called Snowball.  It's our winter formal(so prom, only cold and everyone gets to go).  My little sister, Becca is going with her boyfriend, Will(interesting fact: when they became 'official,' he was in Poland).  So today, Becca went dress shopping.

She spent like 100 dollars on her dress, which is completely outrageous.  Firstly, the dress would have cost more than that, but it is on sale, and she only intends to wear it once.  Why would anyone spend more than 100 dollars on a dress they only intend to wear once?  Now, I can understand this for your wedding dress(since that's such a special occasion) and maybe prom dresses if I'm given the right justification, but not for Snowball.  This isn't a once in a lifetime event that she'll look back on for her entire life.  This is a winter formal that she'll be able to go to 4 times, and let's be honest: Will's a nice guy, but I don't think they're gonna be together forever.  I mean, how long do first relationships usually last?  Six months?  A year?(never been in a relationship, so I wouldn't know, but I'm guessing not that long).

Then there's the shoes.  Becca spends forty dollars on them, a pair of silver heels to go with her pink dress(I do like silver, but pink is the devils color).  I don't understand why anyone ever wears heels.  Maybe they can make you look taller, but they just seem unstable.  And uncomfortable.  At the very least, they don't seem very practical for a dance.  I mean, the point is to dance, right?  This seems like an activity during which sturdy footwear is recommended, at least if you want to avoid a sprained ankle.

Now add fifty dollars for accessories.  This is a glorified hair tie(clip, thingamabob, whatever) a bracelet(Becca tells me to look, they match the gems on her dress.  I say, "Yeah, they're both fake"), and something else I don't remember.  Though the accessories seem a bit more reasonable, since she did get 3 more items free.  Which brings me to another point of contention.  She's bringing her phone, which is of course fine, but she got it a special case to match her dress.  She already has a cow case which she loves.  I suppose it's her choice, but I don't see why you would get a case to use only once when you already have one you like.

So with the aforementioned expenses, plus things like getting her nails done, the price tag on this shopping day came out to over $300.  To put it in perspective, my dad gave her and my mom a budget of 100.  And my mom(who since we moved, has been a stay-at-home-mom) thinks that he will somehow not notice the money missing from our budget.  He has mentioned many times that due to various reasons, January is a very tight month for us.  Go figure.

To be honest, my opinion of this might be slightly colored by the fact that I don't understand dances in general.  This is because I don't like to dance.  It's not simply that I'm bad at it(though I very likely am), it's that dancing in front of others makes me very uncomfortable.  I feel awkward and strange, and not in the way I normally do when interacting with people, or even speaking in front of a crowd.  That I can deal with.  This is more akin to a panic attack.  I understand a lot of people do like it, and at least superficially their reasons for feeling so, but dances are not my cup of tea.  So its difficult to understand why someone would spend so much money for a dance.  Yet other girls I know(mostly mutual friends of Becca and I from Church) seem to understand and support Becca spending so much money on a single dance.  So are they crazy, or do I just not get it?

In contrast to Becca's day, I slept in till noon, wore the sweatsuit I got from my grandmother, and watched Netflix all day.  I think we all know who has the more fulfilling life.

I taste the insanity.

I feel the rage.

I need the chaos.

I can't turn the page.

I'm running away.

I know I'm lost.

It doesn't matter.

I'm paying the cost.

Help, I'm alive.

Please show me how.

To end the pain.

To end it now.

Losing my grip.

Slipping away.

It's out of my reach.

I'm not okay.

One more time.

One more I beg.

There is no mercy.

I'm on my last leg.

I know it's bad.

But I fear it's won.

There is no mercy.

I give up,

I'm done.

How do you accept and deal with the loss of someone?

How do you put that into words?

How do you explain the pain in your chest?

How do you comfort someone who just lost a mother, a wife?

There is no comfort that could make up for that loss.

So i guess the only way to get through it is to breathe one breath at a time until that pain in your chest fades and the memories are no longer painful.

One sits trying to find the words to convey loss

Distance, amount of words or time means nothing now.

Agony suffocates you with the knowledge that life has faded.

But pain is the way you know you loved, and loved deeply.

It's better to feel raw and broken on the inside, 

then to feel nothing because you never knew love.

It's better to feel sick with despair,

then be unaffected by death.

It's better to miss that love and affection, 

then to never have felt it

It's better to remember someone,

then to never have known them at all.

So.. 

We suffer for a time,

We shed tears together, 

We bond through our memories

We drink to our sorrows 

We grieve and we wallow

All as proof that someone so wonderful had touched our lives for any amount of time.

We love. We care. We remember

And we all hope and pray to something that they may feel no pain and find comfort and that they are truly now resting in peace. 

October 21, 1962 - February 24, 2016

19,484 days you knew love, 

you were taken from us too soon.

When the day is done,

It's time for sleep,

And no one's there beside me,

So I weep.

My cat comes along,

And curls up beside me.

I hum a soft song,

And she purrs softly.

Gently, I fall asleep.

I think not of why I weep.

I dream as I sleep,

Then get up and repeat.

It isn't about fast cars or money in the bank, or how fast you can pull some bog eyed chick. It's not about impressing your mates by sinking a bottle of Malt then heading into work.

Having a huge cock isn't it at all, that simply means you've got a huge cock. It isn't about how big your pay check is, or how drop dead gorgeous your girlfriend is, or the flash bang whizz Bugatti Veyron your dad bought you.

It isn't about hanging out with superstars or how good you are in a fight. That's just way off the mark.

Neither does it matter a jot if you're an athlete or ride a Harley, or if you partake in some ludicrous BASE jumping activity while all your gang look on spouting "Whoa Man".

It isn't about what you do for a living or your penthouse flat with wall to wall Bang and Olufsen speakers.

It's about how you are, it's about the little things, it's about listening and learning and being supportive. It's about doing what matters and what's right. It's about honesty, loyalty, integrity, fidelity and taking your turn to do the shit jobs and still wear a smile.

It's about being the best you can be and not taking the easy way out.

It's about being a man.

What if he didn't leave?

You thought he loved you.

You thought you were Her.

You thought you were It.

All of It.

But what if It was a joke.

What if deep inside, his fear of commitment was nagging at every moment you two spent in one another's embrace?

What if past that embrace, deep deep inside, he never loved you.

What if his constant need to please others and his daily avoidance of confrontation made him stay?

What if he stayed?

What if you two still spent every waking moment of every day together in presence or in spirit?

What if your spirit was still chained to his presence?

What if every action, every choice you made was still his?

What if he stayed?