Faded from lost sun

The loss of color

The absence of hue

Dulled into black and white

The shape of contrasts

The feel of highlights

Faded from a lost sun

You become revealed

In stunning clarity

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spawned from:

Light Blue, empty sky

Cloudless, tearless canvas raw

Faded from lost sun.

I am broken and tired from the mountain of life I have treked upon

The road is rocky and the end is fatal

My bones have withered

And my heart is brittled

I have aged

My eyes have gone gray

My fingers have curved into the soil

And implanted my soul at the end of the line

I gave out

And sink into the shame

And I scream out Help

I couldnt walk this mountain anymore

So I take a deep breath

And etch my headstone

And write my script

I was so strong

But I couldnt swallow the tears anymore

I couldnt cry even if i wanted to cry

Because I was saving my last tears for my funeral

Because no one would be able to mourn my death

Because i am the only one who could bear the pain of staying

They all promised they would stay each season

Even the fragile falls

And the winter wills

And the spring songs of rain

And the summer swirls of happiness

But they left each turn of the year

Sometimes even months

They made a home out

Of me

And out they went

In they came

To keep warm

I held them from the storm

But the window of my soul

Couldn't withstand the storm

That was brewing inside of me

I whisper into their ears of magic wishes

Of love and crystallized hope

But I have been ignoring the pain

And stepping up the mountain

I have been ignoring the lump in my chest

I am catching my own sickness

I think its depression again

Here I go again

Plotting my own ending

Cant decide if I am going to imagine this one

Or make it a reality

I did everything right

I igorned the thoughts

But when the night comes

And overshadows my

Shadow

The monsters of the night

Come out and prowl

Of my insecurityies

And jingle chains

And toss me food to chomp on my own bile

Of me

Knowing that I am hungry

To munch on the pain

To try get me to reason

Why I struggle

Because I deserve it …..

I thought I was happy

Because i had friends who cared

But they all left

When the frown apppeared……

The night before you left, we danced;

round, back, fast, slow, each stepped cadence

swelling hope that time passed by would

harbor us in hold, forgot by others' plans.

Hand in hand and heart to heart

we made those moments bless each beat

(no dawn’s face greeted sorrier).

Yet evermore will I recall...whole and holy ground

where footprints pranced a hallowed eve.

It was about 14 years ago when I was visiting Vietnam for a Youth exchange program from India. The city was Hanoi. We were a group of teenagers, most of us visiting a foreign country for the first time. It was during the day and we had some free time to roam the city. So we were taking a stroll near the hostel where we were put up. 

It was one of the strangest but most beautiful things I ever saw. The city had many people riding motor bikes and they did follow traffic lights very religiously. There were no dividers on this road and two bikes that were coming from opposite direction had a head-on collision. Both the riders fell off their bikes. We froze on the footpath. We thought they'd be injured. Thankfully neither of them was. The next thing we thought would be a scuffle or a verbal fight. To our surprise, both the men got up, picked up their bikes, bowed their heads and smiled at each other. Then, they sat on their bikes and set off in their respective directions.

This was a show of mutual respect in a situation that usually elicits negative responses such as anger, fights - verbal or physical, calling the traffic police etc. That was the day respect got a new meaning for me. It meant that if we respect and show love to our fellow humans, we can solve tricky situations with a lot of grace. 

My shadows slam the doors of sanity and barricade the lucidity of soaked nightmares.

I shrink and hide myself, brittle and flimsy behind my naked eyes that can no longer see

the obscurity of my masquerades, hiding my true self in assumed identity. I lurk inside a dark soul that bares nothing but broken dreams and foundation of shrouds.

I blanket my sinister past to seek redemption but ambiguity veils my fractured heart

held together by duct tape of animosity. I rip the binding off, discovering paralyzing panic, a vulnerability cloaked in bogus beards, listening to roar of whispers and silent screams.

I burrow under my skin and wash off my camouflage, stop suppressing walls of deceit and

breathless lies and blot out the darkness to reveal the dawning light, drawing it desperately into my bankrupt core. But I weep and rend my hair as I realize I am too late!

... Parked under fascia ...

 we Cuckoos will weave 

.. your words and debris ..

She needs a kiss

I've watched her for over an hour

All alone

She looks lonely

I'm infatuated

Sipping a coffee at a corner table

We caught eyes a few times

She's lovely

She looks like she could use a kiss

Her ruby lips make my stomach growl

But we are strangers

But i didn't care!

She was my current hunger

Just to feel a strangers kiss

Encroaching on this desire

Taking my last sip of coffee

My eyes were ready 

Locked into hers

As she looked at me approaching her

Like she read my signals

Gently i cupped her face

Our lips slowly touch 

Into an inferno of desire

Tongue strangling pleasure

It felt right

A beautiful face

New lips

An embraced marathon of desire

Seperating our lips 

Rapid heart beats flutter

Eyes stuck in a trance

I get up 

Staggering to the door

Opening it into the brisk night

The door closes

With bells jingling on the glass

K.j.a. (c) 2017

A leaf

A word

Two sticks 

with umbrellas

walking below

Crushing 

Sentences

Crushing

Paragraphs

The wind sweeps

the blood

into its arms

So that today's 

sunset

can last longer

Silence inscribed on my ceiling

     canopy of unheard words.

     I listen and hear

     soft resonance in stillness.

I touch a lonely pebble

     hear the faint messages

     enveloped in tranquility

     hush of echoes

Total release woven

     in garment of peace,

     whispering when

     no one is there.

No reflections of my past

     disturb my hushed mind

     accepting my submission

     to peace in bucolic place

I float gracefully into world

     of unimpaired spirit,

     roadblocks to sight and sound

     are excised from periphery.

Release of calmness

     restoring my psyche

     hearkening to words

     that are unheard

     and soundless.

Silently, I release

     yesterday’s sorrow,

     enveloped in serenity

     cocooned in solitude

     subtle sighhhh!

The hardest thing I have had to do is tell someone that I love the truth.

And not because it was the truth but because I know it was going to hurt.

These things are not easy for me to do, but they have to be done.

But I ask myself this one question a lot - "Who the fuck are you?"

Who am I to be saying these things?  I am not the font of fucking knowledge but 

...when I see things that I believe are not right.  I open my mouth and I express concern or express what I am feeling.

Be it wrong or right, many a family member has cried because I have done this.

After I ask my self the question above, I ask - "Why is it always me that has to do this?"

I will bitch about it for a while...a LONG WHILE...but I end up doing it anyway.

I am no boy-scout,  I'm just a guy with love and integrity for his family.  And sometimes,

life isn't fair, or a path someone is on doesn't look right from my perspective so I just simply say - "have you thought of this situation this way?"  "Does this seem right to you?"  "the easiest person to lie to is yourself, is that what this is?"

These are hard questions to ask family members, but sometimes they need to be asked.  Sometimes, I get a "fuck you"  sometimes I get an "OK, well did you know this"  and I say OK  but then they go and think about it for a while and then, comes the inevitable - "Maybe you are right"  I don't want to be right, I want you to THINK about WHAT you are DOING that doesn't fuck up your life.

And with my nieces that are in their late teens and twenties - They can fuck up a lot.

I don't know if this is my own confessional - I just know I needed an outlet because I heard a niece cry this morning after another conversation...and it is unbearable to hear but I needed to make sure they were OK.  What do I know - but hard questions needed to be asked.   

And asked they were...