When this ends, as it always does

Promise me this;

Promise me that if I text you at 3 in the morning saying that I miss you,

You won't text back.

7/6/15

My apologies

for the salty tears

and vulgar language

there's no excuse. ...

I treat paper like my therapist,

and get mad

when it doesn't speak back ...

My mind is water

My heart is oil

They won't mix ...

My heart wants sober

but my mind says "why?"

Again,

left without an answer ...

I'm sick, I realize this ...

I fear, there isn't a cure ...

I could tell you all the things I want to, my love

Thorny thoughts on a brittle vine

The poisoned drops of ink, spill like summer rain

Tell me again how everything will be fine

I've crushed my hands and broken my bones

So I can never hold a pen again, my love

The words will never touch a page

They will never see the light

And before I go, leave the earth

I've buried my journal deep down

Immersed it in soil, rich in minerals

My love, my pockets are lined with stones

When you look at me, what do you see?

Do you see the small amount of potential that remains?

Do you see the parts of me that died when my life blew up?

The girl you wish I was?

Do you see the bloody wounds seeping with infection and think you can heal me?

Do you see the tears I try to hide and think it's up to you to make them stop?

Do you see who I pretend to be?

Do you see a girl who skips a car payment just to hear her brother's voice?

Do you see a girl so unlovable even her own mother has cut her off?

Do you see the woman rejected by her only child?

Do you see the ugly parts that anger men to the point of violence?

Do you see a girl who bashes her head in the wall to make the voices stop?

Do you see a girl who slices her arms with razor blades trying to release the poison that boils inside her?

Do you see a girl who shakes like a leaf when voices rise in anger?

Do you see a girl who'd do anything to be the recipient of pure and honest love?

Who do you see when you look at me?

The girl I want you to see?

Do you see me?

Or are you even looking?

I want to be angry with you. I want to look away. I want to un-know you. I concentrate sternly on sorrow that rides on the heavy shadows that shelter you. Your selfish castle of faulty armor burrows frown lines deep into my flesh. You swim in dirt and fear and it disgusts me. I am cognizant of your steadfast ignorance--an ignorance to the beauty within you--and it is hopeless. I am overwhelmed by the sadness of your existence, yet my empathy grows with your every sigh.

And when the moon is an infant crescent--a tiny sliver in the endless black sky--I see love shine like light from a falling star from the corners of your teary eyes. Your love engulfs my heart and takes me prisoner. Your words carry hope in disguise and I am challenged with inspiration to impress you. To love you. Actively. With forgiveness. Abandoned and helpless to the chemistry channeled by our consciousness, I am blinded by your filtered existence.

And with this, I undress and bathe humbly in the comfort of you.

It hurt so much,

Because he was validation.

He was your world.

But also the world's view.

And you risked to ask,

For the world to love you.

Guilt and Hope conflict...,

It's like playing a guitar without strings,

Or playing a harmonica without breath.

The rhythm and beat won't match up.

Left to flail,

my thoughts criticize my thoughts.

Ring-Around-The-Rosie deep inside my head.

Make the spinning stop.

Here's what happened...,

My body brutally ripped apart,

This ferocious lion never let up.

Tore my body in two.

My mind ending up on one side, and

My heart ending up on the other.

You can ask me,

what a steeple means,

But instead,

ask me about who sits on top.

You can ask me,

what I believe,

But instead,

I'm going to ask you,

not to look at me...

The thoughts from a body in two...

Dear Mama,

I'm almost free.

Are you proud up there

As you look down on me?

Help me believe

There is still good in me.

Help me believe

In humanity.

One more day in this chair

One more night to despair.

Time to go

It's time to leave.

Goodbye, past.

Hello, me.

Is she magic or a dream?

Is she real? I can't deem.

Heaven on earth??

She's sweet, set free, knows no bounds,

no bonds, no matter.

She's of love, sheds light

where time is but a ladder.

She hears pain in the air,

despaired souls in need of repair.

Forevermore she longs for glory

just as the night begs for morning,

suspect of the sun and prospect of anew.

She knows each day, each moment,

each torment, even those we lie dormant.

Every breath, every step, every word

led by thought; not hollow nor shallow.

She knows His love.

She uses His strength.

She obtains His mercy.

She receives His grace.

But, what is she?

You see, she's not magic, nor a dream;

Come, look closer... she's as she seems.

She can't be caught, won or lost,

acceptance of her is acquired or tossed.

She seeks our need, our being, our place,

a glimpse of heaven is on her face....

Peace in perspective, respective of trust.

Trust in I am.

Peace in He is.

Belief in You are.

You are a new way of living, of thinking,

of knowing but believing.

Believing in the Word, I am.

I am because He is.

He is living in me so as it's uttered...

I am what she is;

Forgiveness found, all lost that is forgiven.

Peace on earth, don't wait for heaven.