I've been reminiscing recently

About all the things that hurt

All the people lost

All the moments 

That I moved in from a bit too fast.

All these memories 

Make me feel like I'm covered in blood

Guilty of crime, that I didn't commit

Or maybe I did

By killing all those memories and shoving them in a box.

And the pandora's box

That was shoved in the back of my mind

Has been opened now

And I'm feeling all the pain again

Dreaming of all that's lost.

I'm reminiscing 

The last moments of their lives

How I wasn't there

How I never said goodbye.

Break my heart, crush my soul

I don’t know who you are anymore

There remains no trust

There remains no love

Not a label that describes us anymore.

A father, you are not

I don’t remember the last time you were

You had a place in my heart

Which now exists no more.

The pain that you have caused

Will remain forever in my bones

The ache in my heart

Shall live forevermore.

You mean so little to me now,

You left a hole in my soul

A craving in my heart

For the love I now want.

Don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive you

Never will I forget all that has happened

Your hand came very close to my skin

And I know if the fire in my eyes didn’t exist

It would’ve left a mark on my mask.

You've left behind a broken girl

Who has a strong facade

A fierce warrior mind

And a soft, gentle heart.

She's ready to give you up

To accept your indifference

To live in a world

Where you don't live.

Dear “Parents”,

 I turn 20 soon,

Do you know I celebrated my birthday today?

15 days early

Simply because I’d rather celebrate with my best friend

Than even think of celebrating with you,

And yet, somehow you managed to ruin that.

Do you know I’ve cried every year on my birthday?

It’s turned into the day I hate the most

I know you never wanted me

I know I was a mistake

And sometimes I wish you had just killed me

Instead of letting me see this day.

Did you know I got a tattoo today?

I promise, it’s beautiful

And it made me realize

That I can bear a lot of pain

So maybe the next time I pick up the blade

Ill actually put it against my skin and not be afraid.

Did you know that my temporary job is going well?

I think I’ll make it permanent and drop out of college

Before I end up killing myself

This is just me saying goodbye

I’ll be out of your hair soon

Then you won’t have to pick at every small mistake

And ignore all the right things I do.

-(Not) your daughter.

Where do you go alone

In the darkest hour of the night

When your tears won't dry

And you've lost your home?

Where do you go alone

As the hole in your chest keeps growing

When you can barely catch a breath

And you've lost all hope?

Where do you go alone

With your fingers tightly clenched

When you feel the blood dripping down your wrist

And you're getting sucked into that dark hole?

Where do you go alone?

What do you do when you feel yourself slip into the darkest corners of your mind?

When you don't have the energy or the heart to talk to those you love because you're afraid of hurting them or them now understanding. How do you explain why you're sad when everything in your life seems to be okay?

How do you tell them that every now and then you have an extreme urge to cut a slit in your skin so that you feel some sort of relief. How do you explain that they are the reason that you haven't hurt yourself but you don't know how long this will go on for?

I realized I was stuck in a rut

Drowning in a life that wasn’t mine

Doing everything that seemed right

But was absolutely wrong.

I was living the way I was expected to

Ready to sit behind a desk

And chase targets

For as long as I possibly could.

I was supposed to make money

And make a career

Just not one that mattered to me

But one that had as little risk as possible.

And I’m still in this rut

Still stuck on this path

Already hating my destination

Regretting every decision.

So take me away from here

From this life in my four walls

And let me free

To go find what I love.

Don’t keep me in your cage

I don’t want to live this way

I want to let go

And be who I’m meant to be.

You always looked at them like battle scars

Told me that they made me stronger

That they told the story of my journey;

You always said that they were beautiful

That I was no longer that girl

And these marks were proof of that.

Then why do I hate them so much?

Why can't I live with them?

They're just stretch marks, right?

I used to be a thin girl

And then my body changed

In what felt like seconds

My body exploded,

Puppy fat, I was told,

Puberty is what it was.

Then that weight went away,

What was left behind was a curvy woman

With these white scars all over her body

And her mind burnt with insecurities.

And yet you tell me they're just battle scars

That they make me stronger

But they don't.

In gaining these marks, I lost myself

I lost that happy girl somewhere

I lost that confidence somewhere

I never made heads turn

I was never seen as pretty

And till date

The only thing people see

Is the parts of me that aren't skinny.

We find happiness in other's sorrow

We smile when they cry

We laugh while they frown

How fucked up are we?

Letting everyone drown in their misery

As long as we are happy.

Why let their words of fire

Burn through your skin

And turn your bones to ashes?

Take that Flame

Learn to tame it

And let it shine bright , your soul

Let it's light glow through your eyes

And brighten up your life.

People misunderstand us

They don't grasp how our mind works

They don't seem to understand why we'd rather drown in the pages of a book

Instead of looking them in the eye and saying a few words.

I'm tired of everyone telling me to 'Live a little'

But I am living

I'm living in stories

I'm living in the scent of those pages

I'm living in the ink of my pen

Just because they don't see me dancing at parties

Or rnning around at concerts

Doesn't mean I'm not living

Or does it?