i am shy and quite an introvert

i was flabbergasted by the beauty

feels like you see through me

expressing it all, through a lens

giving our emotions some sense

i realised not many people know you

we could collaborate together,

i could be your model

i can drive the crowd towards you

i have a few items to shoot too

we’ll be giving each other a hand

it will be a fair exchange

we’ve known for a while now

do you remember the times

we used to play in the backyard

im glad you found peace through a lens

can you take it with you always

it will be great if i updated my feed

my followers see you as the greatest,

would be great if you could take a few shots

bring out my perfections only

this pimple on my face, take it off

similar to the models on magazines

reduce my curves, change my skintone

a picture with an astonishing background

i know it’s a lot of work but

can i have the pictures at a sale price

it’s disgusting that you deny my request

i look gross on this picture, i thought you were good

Why do I have to wait so long to get my pictures

i don’t understand why you don’t accept free exposure

i can help you in ways no one else would

it doesn’t take so much to be a photographer

dear photographer

#spokenword #thoughts #creatives #poetry #prose #writers

had they ever told me

that after all this love

i would feel so lonely

i woudlnt have believed

you always find soemthing

to blame me for,

you're always trying to get mad

always trying to act pissed

it's energy consuming

the more time goes by

the more i feel different

like i cant regenerate anymore

i feel like just closing this chapter

i feel like i cant breathe properly

i feel like i cant love properly

thinking of all this makes uncomfortable

i feel like giving up

everytime you think you built it

everything just collapses

there you start reminiscing

second comes the blaming

judges of your conscience

follow next to your sadness

totally lost in an unknown river

trying to keep your head out of the water

it shall finally come to pass

it shall either go through you

you shall go through it

there is no turning back

at some point it doesn't matter

if you are still alive when it comes

it would still have killed a part of you

consider yourself lucky then

usually there aren't any survivors.

#depression #thoughtsoftheday

We are in a way or another

Trying to get ready

For the big war

Trying to get ready for victory

Victory over our battles

And so I drink;

Every liquid I have at hand

In hope to make the battles drown

I start with small amounts

I feel good, the win is on the way

Then they swim back to the top

So I drink in larger amounts

Till I understand

To make drown my battles

I got drown myself too

Then they will say;

"Here lies the body of an alcoholic who gave up on their life and didn't care about living" -

So I smoke;

I like it, the feeling of my battles

Leaving me through the smoke

The harder the days, the longer I smoke

The longer the days, the harder I smoke

Some days, I choose not to smoke

Then I see my battles laughing at me

They pointing fingers, claiming victory

So I smoke more, I smoke everything I can

I smoke different flavors, different colors

Till I understand, to smoke the battles out of me

The battles need to smoke life out of me

Then they will say;

"Here lies the body of a smoker who gave up their life and didn't care about living" -

Oh my injections;

Actually it's a medication

It's the doctors prescription

The doctors in my head

Curing me from a sickness in my head

Sometimes I'm fine, I leave the spiral

Sometimes I am not

When these times happen

I double the doses, I triple the injections

Till the day my battles inject me too

Then they will say;

"Here lies the body of a drug addict who gave up their life and didn't care about living" -

Did I talk about the voices?

The voices in my head;

They talk to me and tell me do things

A lot of different things

They are nice, we have fun together

When they get mad, they drive me crazy

Did I tell you about the time I cut myself?

Then they screamed apologies

Here were the good voices,

The mean voices got pissed,

I had a gun on my head to make them shut up

Oh yeah to make them stop talking

I had to make me stop living

Then they will say:

“Here lies the body of a suicidal person, what a disgrace. They gave up on their life and they didn’t care about living” -

The question is;

Who isn't fighting with themselves?

Who doesn't have voices in they head?

Who ain't trying to sleep at night?

Who ain't trying to make things better?

Who ain't trying to be better?

Characters:

Judge: The Society

Accused: The Face

Defender: The Soul

The Judge:

Let the defender in.

Do you solemnly swear to say the truth 

Just the truth and nothing but the truth?

The Defender:

I do.

The Judge:

Let's proceed

Relate the facts

The Defender:

I wake up in the midst of confusion

My direction is disorientated

My thoughts are distorted

My feelings are inexistent

Something is incomplete

I can't figure it out

It was bright

The sun was out,

I could feel the breeze

I could hear the sound of the ocean waves

'Oh Soul, beautiful soul

Smile to me so that I can understand what you feel'

The face looked at me saying

Burst out of joy so that I can show the world

How glowing you are

How much positivity you can share

Let me show the world

This spirit of the conqueror that resides in you

I let the light escape itself

I opened my doors

I let my ideas flow to the brain

I was glowing inside like she asked me to

Little did I know,

She was not glowing on the outside

I could not get mad,

I always kept my head up

I always embraced everything with a laughter

I would even laugh with her

Time flew by,

There was too much negativity

That she attracted, it was coming from the outside

I was feeling lonely, uncared for

I was feeling rejected, hated for being myself

I hid myself inside a place

I called it The Cave

I hid there with all my love

I threw away all my smiles

I lost myself in the middle of everything

The Judge:

Let the accused in.

Do you solemnly swear to say the truth

Just the truth and nothing but the truth?

The Accused:

Honestly, your honour?

I will try my best

The Judge:

Let's proceed

Relate the Facts

The Accused:

Yes, I let you down

For I was sad when you were smiling

I locked the windows to avoid letting your brightness out

I closed my mouth to avoid saying nice words

I closed my ears to avoid letting you get the sounds of the birds

But, you don't see what I see

From where I am from;

They don't like to see you happy

How could you be possibly happy 

When everyone isn't?

How possibly could you be smiling

When they are hurting themselves?

From where I am from,

We do not say "Hi" to each other on the road

I of course was scared to look crazy

There is so much you have to give 

I am scared that will be too much for them to take in

I wish I could be strong enough for both of us

Yet,

I have to fight against acne,

I have to fight against pimples

I need to cover myself with makeup

I need to look at myself every second of the day

How many times do you make up?

You do not need that, you can't make up a soul.

Do you have pimples?

No you can't have pimples

All you ever saw was love

I am sorry to have made you see the other side of it

I wish I could smile all day

Sometimes, it's just too much to bear outta here

I am not trying to make excuses

You always tell me to 

"To make the best experience of myself"

However, I never let you express yourself in the right way

                                                                                              to be continued...

Hey to myself

How have you been?

Recently,

It has been darker

I am okay, I really am

It's just the feels

It gets darker

Something tells me

It will get darkest

I know you are happy,

I know you feel fulfilled

I know you are motivated by your passions

I know you are trying to stay real

Stay true to yourself

I have been opening doors,

I have fearlessly opened doors,

I have welcomed the unknown,

I have sat with the difference,

I have been to a lot of places.

The places I go to,

The doors I opened

They are getting darker,

Can you feel it too?

At first, it was dark

I sought for the light

Now, it is getting darker,

I see the light I sought for

I just can't feel it.

The worst part in this darkness,

I am not trying to escape no more

I need to feel the darkness,

To know the light.

I am aware I will lose a part of me in it,

I might even lose it all

But I need to feel it,

I need to welcome it.

When the days get rough,

That darkness takes over me

Please, do not give up on me

Remember that I sought for light,

The right door will just be waiting for you

To open it and lead me into it.

It always happens

Every time they read me

Every time they talk to me

Every time I make them laugh

Every time we have a successful conversation

Every time,

They get a glimpse of the human I am

It sounds to me that they keep on forgetting

Forgetting I am constantly changing

Forgetting my atoms and molecules

Destroy and re-create themselves every second that is passing

Every time,

They make the same mistakes

They get too familiar after some compliments

They get too personal after some laughters

They get too impolite after some dates

They get too shady after some sarcasm

Every time,

They think they know me

They think they understand me

They think they can decide for me

They think they can talk about me

They think we are friends, relatives

They think they can call me "bae", "boo".

They think they can place judgements on my actions

Every time,

I look at it the same way

I feel I know what will happen later

I have memorised the "hypocrite" speech

I have become accustomed to the "jealousy" scenes

I become the bearer of the "lonely soul"

Every time,

Yet I stay and live it to the fullest

I never give up on myself

I know there will be some growth soonest

I never think of them making fools of themselves

Every time,

I see a special soul

Looking for other almost identical special souls

Who they could call their soulmates

Souls they could relate to.

Every time,

I see me, looking for myself

Finding myself and yet

Not knowing what to do with myself

A few years ago

In an unusual environment

Filled with strangers

Filled with fear and anxiety

A few years ago,

I was lost in the abyss

I was looking for safety

I was looking for security

I needed to grow

Both emotionally & intellectually

A few years ago,

I set my eyes on them

I felt something familiar

Like I had to know them

Like we had met before

Like we had to reunite

A few years ago,

I met someone

Who gave me the strength

I was long looking for

Which i needed to go through life

A few years ago,

I met someone

I think about everyday

Someone I wish the best to

Someone I keep safe

In a part of my universe

Someone I love to help

As much as I can

A few years ago,

I met you.

If there is anything I feel rn

It's gratefulness

I am grateful for knowing you

For growing with you

For loving you

For being loved by you

Being a part of your life

Will be the greatest gift of all

Adults understand shit better than anyone

Sometimes it's hard

However in the end it needs to be done

I'm grateful for holding on this long

We both been genuine

I guess now it's time

Time to cut the rope

And let a bird fly

I'm grateful

For you letting me love you.

Oh wait, do you think it's true?

All the things people say you do

Is there such a thing as the rescue?

From these people and from you

But what do you need rescue from?

Is it from the person you became?

The person you are;

The person they turned you into

Or

From the people you walk with

The people you made your closest

Friends, partners, colleagues,

Are you asking to be saved?

From your soul and your spirit

From your physical and your mental

But when did you get trap in the spherical

Game

That only now u want to be saved

You said you lived by faith, was that true?

Why do you wanna be saved from your faith?

Isn't that all you dreamt of?

Living by your passions and your love

Have you been lying to yourself?

But how could you?

For so long be lying to yourself

When you go infront of the mirror

Who do you see? Is it you or you?

I mean, the real you

Do you know what you look like?

What kind of person are you?

I see now, you don't know you

You have lied to you

More than you did to the others

Now here you come

Asking for a rescue

To these people that don't care about you