12/25/15

Sometimes I crave to be something different. I don't want people to view me as just another friend, or just another girl; I want people to be perplexed by me, to be something otherworldly, complex, and strange. I fear becoming "normal" to someone who used to view me as exciting, fascinating, or even mysterious.

Everyone has different sides to their personality and I fear that I only show one side. I don't want to just be "this" or just be "that". I want to be an intense mixture of everything that can sometimes be overwhelming and maybe even a little terrifying, but so exhilarating and refreshing at the same time. I want to leave a deep impression on people's hearts and minds. I want people to notice the light in my eyes... And to notice when it's not there, too.

I don't know, maybe I'm terrified that one day, the mystery of "who I am" will be gone; that what was once new, surprising, and intriguing will become commonplace... expected... familiar.

I don't like the idea of knowing someone so well to the point where your interactions become a routine. I crave spontaneity, mystery, surprises... And maybe the constant wondering of the unknown will drive me crazy... but it keeps my mind busy.

The allure of the secret person people are inside calls to me so strongly and the thought of never truly knowing someone fascinates me. People have entire worlds inside each and every one of them, and I yearn to discover the deepest parts of them. I want to know every dark crevice, feel every raw emotion, see vivid and dull colors through their eyes... I wish to experience the beauty of people's minds, to roam the universe they keep locked inside, and to feel the inspiring power they have within themselves.

I ache to have those indescribable connections with others where you feel like you're a part of something bigger.

And yet, despite all of this, I'm terrified to show who I really am.

I yearn for the peace

that was part of me

before you stole

my spirit.

Why did you ravage

that which was mine

leaving my pith

without substance?

What could you gain

by robbing

my soul

of joy and passion

and absconding

with my heart?

I am now bloodless

filled with turmoil

without serenity.

I am nothing.

And I refuse to believe that 

I can be more than what I am.

I will always believe that

life isn't anything worth mentioning.

And the real fiction is:

Happiness is a goal I can reach. 

Now. Read from the bottom up. Remember that while something may look bad in the beginning, you can always turn it around and make it better.

I want my words to resonate with  you 

The way a powerful ballad about lost love does

At the point where the singer hits a note that's haunting

Beautiful

And sad

I want you to feel my words

The way you do the words of that song

As if the one who wrote it knew your every thought

Your every secret

Your every regret

I want my words to swim through your body

And awaken your blood stream

With violent pumps

And lungs with rapid breath

I want my words to speak to you so deeply

That it feels as if they've been etched in your mind

Forever marking your memory

Permanently

So you have no way to forget

My words

Gravity is bearing down,

The vultures circle above.

Your favorite accessory is your frown,

No one has shown you love.

Blurry faces whisper lies,

You're tearing out your hair.

It's your heart that weeps and not your eyes,

But please don't kick the chair.

No one stopped to help her

She never seemed to need it

She didn't even notice

She was too busy working tirelessly toward completing her goals

And everyone around her missed out on something special 

For she was silently conquering the world

Crisp, off-white sheets illuminated by bright sunlight hurt his eyes as they fluttered open.

For a split second, he wondered where he was.

Squinting, he could make out the silhouette of a body. Down past the edge of the bed, it sat in a chair with its elbows resting on its legs. There was a small television stuffed into the top left corner of the room, playing some kind of game show. Beside it, there was a window with curtains colored the same off-white as the sheets.

At the sight of him awakening, the shadow rose off the chair and moved quickly toward him.

"Elijah?"

He mumbled an almost incoherent reply. It was mostly a grunt but the shadow broke down into tears.

Shit.

Memories came flooding back like a boiling torrent of seawater. And it tasted just as bitter.

Him- curled up in a bathtub, knees to chest. A bloody blade and slit wrists- swallowing pills, then some more, then some more.

Shit.

As if to confirm his thoughts, he looked down at his arms and saw them wrapped in bandages. Tubes were slipping in and out from under them.

Beside Elijah, the crying shadow took his hand. He could tell now that it was his husband.

"Listen honey. We don't have to talk about this right now. I'm just happy you're here." He paused, his thumb caressing his hand. "I'm just happy you're here."

Elijah sat at the kitchen table, watching the dust particles dancing in the sun rays shining in through the window. He could smell the bananas that they had bought on their way home from the hospital and remembered how they had once been ripe. Now, they were brown and beginning to rot, needing to be thrown out.

With a clink, Cameron sat a plate of breakfast in front of him and an empty glass.

"What'd you like to drink?"

Elijah twirled his fried potatoes around with his fork but didn't reply.

"You have to eat sometime," Cameron said as he put his hands on his hips, letting the fridge door swing shut.

"I'm not hungry."

"Then drink something."

"I don't want to."

"I just cooked you breakfast."

"And I appreciate it."

He sat down and began to eat his food. "You have a funny way of showing it." After a while, he spoke up again. "You have to try."

"I know."

"I don't think you do."

"God dammit, Cameron. It hasn't even been a month."

He stayed silent after that.

"I think we should go to the park today." His husband said, rolling over and putting his hand on his chest. "It'd do you some good to get out of the house."

"I don't know, maybe."

He sat up. "We're going."

"Okay."

An hour later, Elijah crawled into the passenger seat of their car. Cameron popped the keys into the ignition and reversed out the driveway.

"It looks like a nice day." He acknowledged.

"It does."

"Just you wait and see. I bet you'll enjoy the sun on your skin."

Elijah picked at a string hanging from his athletic shorts. "Maybe."

They drove in silence.

He didn't even notice when they pulled into the parking lot. "Let's go." Cameron said once they were parked.

"I don't want to."

"Get out of the car."

"I said I don't want to."

Cameron jumped out of the car and stomped over to Elijah's door, flinging it open. "Get. Out."

"God dammit Cameron."

Cameron grabbed his arm and pulled, making him fall out onto the ground. A young couple stared as they walked by.

Elijah picked himself up. "Cameron, stop it."

"No! We're going."

"I just fucking said I didn't want to."

"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU JUST SAID."

"I do."

Cameron shoved him into the car door. "Don't you dare turn this back on me!"

Elijah stared at him in confusion. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"What am I talking about? I'm talking about all those looks you give me- all those times you act like I don't care about you, because I do. And you acting like I don't is a terrible feeling."

"Excuse me? I never said you didn't care about me!"

"Oh yeah?" He chuckled coolly. "Then why did you try to kill yourself?"

Elijah opened the car door. "We're not talking about this."

Cameron rushed forward and slammed the door shut again then pinned him against the car. "Like shit we aren't." He narrowed his eyes. "Why would you?"

"Why would I what?"

"Don't you dare play stupid."

Elijah paused. "I'm not happy."

"Okay, besides the obvious."

"I'M NOT FUCKING HAPPY." He pushed Cameron in the chest. "DON'T YOU GET IT? OR ARE YOU TOO SELFISH TO SEE PAST YOUR OWN PROBLEMS? I HAVEN'T BEEN HAPPY FOR A LONG TIME. AND I SURE DIDN'T TRY TO DIE BECAUSE OF YOU. Don't give yourself that satisfaction- you don't deserve it."

"How dare you call me selfish when you're acting like you're the only one that hurts? There are more things going on than just you and maybe if you would have realized that you wouldn't have tried to commit suicide!" A flock of birds flew off from the surrounding trees. "And don't tell me that I was happy to see you suffer."

"You don't think I realize there are things bigger than me? More important than me? Ever since-"

"Ever since what? Ever since Derek? I'm so tired of hearing about Derek. Derek seems to be the only one you care about in this relationship."

Elijah stared, horrified. "Are you kidding me? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? He hit me, Cameron. He hit me! Excuse me for not forgetting about all of that."

"I don't expect you to forget about him. God, I don't even expect you to ever get over it. But I did expect you to care about us more and to move out of the past."

"If it was that easy don't you think I would have done it? Come on, don't tell me you actually thought I would stay in that mindset anymore than I'd have to? You must be pretty damn stupid if you think otherwise." It was Elijah's turn to chuckle in frustration. "But of course I should have just gotten past it, right? So that you," he jabbed a finger into Cameron's chest, "could be at peace with yourself. As long as you had someone to fuck at night, you were fine. Happy even. But I wasn't. Instead, I was left alone with the nightmares you had promised to fight off. I couldn't stand living in my own skin and the entire time you only wanted me for sex."

"I-"

Elijah cut him off. "No, Cameron. I'm done, I'm done." He took the keys from Cameron's hand and went to the drivers seat. "I'm leaving."

"Where are you going?"

He shut the car door and started the car. "I don't know- maybe to Derek's, since you seem to think I'm so infatuated with him."

Elijah didn't even feel the blood running from his knees as he drove away.