Try to see further.

Try to see the expanse.

Put a telescope on top of a telescope on top of a telescope

and try to see the edge of the universe

and try to see beyond it.

Try to see forever.

Try to see smaller.

Try to see tighter.

Put a microscope on top of a microscope on top of a microscope

and try to see the bottom of everything.

Try to see a singularity

and then half it.

Try to see this instant.

Try to look into yourself.

Try to see the bonds

between particles so tiny

from everywhere out there

brought together to form everything in here.

They bonded together

to become you...right now

in this time and place.

And soon they will return to out there.

The bonds will break,

the particles will scatter,

and all of in here will

be lost to all that is out there.

And you will mingle

with everything once again.

And all the parts you are

will go onto to what is next.

You will return home.

Once the size of everything fit within your sight.

Once the walls were close and familiar.

Once you felt safe and sound.

Once you were protected, steeled against everything.

Once all that you knew was within easy reach.

Once the walls of your room were beautiful,

and comfortable,

and safe.

Once you lived in peace.

And then someone stretched out your universe.

And then you were boundless.

And then you could fly.

And then your eyes could see farther and sharper.

And then the freedom was thrilling.

And then you flew,

and swooped

and looped.

And then you had joy.

Now she has left.

Now that space is too big.

Now your world is cold and empty.

Now you know that space is too big.

Now you look for those walls.

Now you seek refuge and begin to shrink.

Now you diminish into being you again.

Now you return to dull

and scared

and lonely.

Now you are sad.

And I lost you in Kakoo(Krakow)

at the end of the street

in a little café

where we stopped to eat.

And we talked of our lives

and we talked of our loves

We talked of regret

and of God up above.

We talked about the future

and we talked of the past.

We cried a few tears

and we had a few laughs.

And I lost you in Kakoo

at the end of the street

near the Hotel Chopin

where we stopped to eat.

We drank a little wine

and we drank a little beer

you were so far away

but I wanted you there

8000 miles

is a hell of a way

with ache in your heart

and with Poland so grey.

That's where it happened

right there in Kakoo

as I sat with my dad

I couldn't tell him of you.

And I lost you right there

at the end of the street

in a little café

where we stopped to eat

And I lost you in Kakoo.

I stood cold on the break wall last night letting the frigid night air seep into me through my coat and through my skin. I stared out into the blackest parts of the horizon. The white clammy waves were laid out in front of me and diminished to nothing in the distance and the darkness. And the harsh wind bit my face and tugged my coat. I was motionless to any observer, but there were none, it was too cold, and too damp, and too bleak. No happy people would be there...only dark sad people full of yearning, and churning, and burning might come. But it was me, and me alone that night. I wondered how many other sad souls might be in other places around the world looking at their own black horizon and for a moment I allowed myself to imagine I was the only one. I knew I was lying but it was easy to do there in that place. Self pity is a comforting mistress. She caresses your heart like the mermaids song.

I wanted to roll around in my pain...bath myself in my self absorbed heartbreak. I wanted to jump in the lake and shatter myself into a billion fractured pieces like hot glass tossed into cold water. I wanted the angry boil, and hot sizzle, and rush of steam, and the sudden crack. I wanted answers...no, mostly I just wanted the questions to go away. If the answers were to ever come they would be cruel and unsatisfying leaving the questions to scream inside my head forever, silenced only in death...maybe. And standing there I felt as if someone had stuffed steel wool into my chest and hooked electricity to it, sending tremors out to the farthest parts of my body, tensing every muscle and vibrating my skin, trembling my fingers, twitching my eyes, cramping my gut. And the steel wool was abrasive and rubbed my heart raw. And I pleaded and prayed for it to go...but no, that's not the nature of pain. Pain goes where it will, when it will with no influence from beggars or pontiffs.

And I wish I could write a beautiful and eloquent ending. One that would give me resolve, port the ship, end the voyage...allow me to disembark and in the mix make a good story. But that would be a sailors tail...fiction. I am too small to write that, my strength too broken, my mind too weak, my heart to adrift. And so I can only say, I simply turned and headed for home.

Her flight once flew over my house. I watched it on the ap, a tiny plane slowly progressing across the screen. I went out and looked up and I watched it in the sky. A tiny plane slowly progressing across the sky. One tiny blinking star among the stars. And from left to right she went and disappeared beyond my sight and I wished I could fly.

John...I am scared. If you are reading this something terrible has happened. I fear that is exactly how this will end...terribly. I have locked myself in the closet and it is dark, I can see a little light under the door but that is all. John...There is something out there, outside this door. I can hear it now. Oh, God John it's horrible. All I can hear is gargling and shuffling and scratching. What is it John! John...Something just bumped the door! Shhhh....I must be quiet now John...I hear him...not him...I can hear it.

But I must calm myself. I need to say some things. If you are reading this you will know that I was found naked and Phillip is laying on the floor outside in the bedroom. John you will know what happened and I cannot tell you how sorry I am. If you are reading this you will read about all the days before this and you will know everything. Everything horrible and evil about me...I am so sorry. If you are to know anything ever again please know that you were always my only true love...I don't know how this happened...it just did. And now God is punishing me...oh God please!

Dammit!

Dammit!

John...what Phillip and I had meant nothing... I do not know if I was lonely, or angry or just weak, God, I just don't know, it's just too crazy. You have been so distant since the baby...I have been so alone. Damn, you John why did you leave me alone so many nights! I hated you...I hated you...I hate you now.

No I don't John...I love. I do...I love you no matter how this looks. This didn't mean....

Oh...John...JOHN!...whatever is out there knows I am in here. It's scratching the door. Oh my God John help me!

Help me!

Shhh...quiet

I saw it...I saw it John. It pushed it's fingers under the door. My God John it was wearing Phillips wedding ring. I could see his wedding ring. That thing has taken Phillips ring...what is going on! I can't take this John...I can't breath. I must calm down.

I'm better now. John, please know this meant nothing. I did not love Phillip and I feel horrible that this is how it will end. I wish I could take everything back. I want to go back to when we were happy...remember that day at the college? We had that $3 bottle of wine and that cheap cheddar cheese that tasted like wax? Do you remember that day John? Please, remember that day...we were so happy and in love. Do not remember this day John...today never happened but that day at the college happened. It was a sunny day and we were on the quad behind the Union building...You were my Enormous Druid and you said the cheese was confusing and not delicious. Oh, we laughed. And we kissed. I loved you John...I love you now.

I am calm now. Whatever is outside this door is going to break in soon. I know my end now. I love you. Take care of the baby...raise him to be the man you are. He will do so much and go so far. Do not tell him of this day or how I was found. Tell him about how I loved you and remember the happy times.

Forever yours

Angie

I lay down to sleep.

Long past due,

postponed by longing,

tortured by thought,

delayed by pain.

And I arrange that one pillow so it feels like her hip beside me.

And I lay my hand upon her hip.

I caress it softy.

I feel her gently swell.

I smell her hair.

I feel her warmth.

I fall asleep.