Anger... why am I filled with so much anger? I blame love. The best way for me to describe what love is that it's like the new guy everyone else thinks is cool and great. If you ask me though, I would mumble "it's okay" and it would take a lot of energy from me just to get that out. I guess, with that said, I have befriended loneliness. I rather hang out alone than with love. Without getting into too much detail (it's a whole other story) love is an acquaintance of mine. The fact that we know each other and it never comes around makes me even more angry. There are beasts in this world that know love better than I do. To think that wild animals, mean ones that kill anything that come their way know love better than me. That tells me something about what I am. I'm a monster. Maybe I'm worse. I'm a monster that hides under other monster's beds. As I watch my brother with his family, and my parents with their grandchildren it hurts. It hurts that I won't ever be able to give them that joy. It hurts that I won't ever be able to feel that joy. I'll never feel that special father-child bond that even the beasts get to experience and enjoy. It makes me sad. When I get sad I don't show it. It just turns into anger. I feel like anger is my only emotion. I feel other emotions but then they all revert to anger. When people pass by and rhetorically ask "how are you?" I am the guy that actually responds and a says "I'm good. How are you?" I know I'm not good. Maybe that's why I'm so quick to answer the rhetorical question. I immediately go into defensive mode. Am I that good at hiding my emotions that nobody notices or they don't care? I guess I can blame them. Who would want to be around a mean angry person? Nobody. I'm so tired of being angry that it makes me angry.

1. Everything is a choice, but not everything is your choice.

2. A lot of things just don't work out.

3. If you tell yourself there's nothing good in the world, eventually you'll stop seeing it.

4. No matter how big you think the universe is, trust me, it's bigger.

5. That doesn't mean you're so awfully insignificant. It just means there's a lot here besides you.

6. Life is not a box of chocolates or a roller coaster, stop trying to turn it into a metaphor. Life is just life.

My name's Derek, and I needed to express this tale of mine.

Being a college student isn't all fun and games. My books and rent cost me so much that life was beginning to get shit. I'd stopped with the drinking and partying two weeks before and I'd started driving people to and from their destinations for a bit of extra cash.

The uber app was great and I hadn't had any real problems with anybody yet.

It was about my 7th fare that made a real memory with me. I was called to collect a girl by the name of Emily from a bar called Saints. It wasn't far for me to go, and it wasn't far to get to where she wanted to go. There was no reason for me not to collect her.

When I got to the destination, it was obvious the girl was drunk. I was ready to continue on and act as though I hadn't seen her, but something held me back and I waited for her to climb in while mentally thinking about handing over more money for a cleaning bill.

She slipped into the car with a smile on her face, and asked if we could drive around for ten minutes with the windows open. Her voice was angelic and soft. Her words polite.

I did as she asked and prepared myself for an onslaught of sickness. It didn't happen. She gently slid her hand out of the window and did that airplane thing, allowing the cool air to brush against her skin.

"Have you ever thought about dying?" She asked. I answered her truthfully. Drunk people talk about alsorts of stuff. Some things depressing, some things strange.

"Sure I have." I said.

"I have cancer." She said. Again with a smile. "Chemo isn't going to work anymore. It's too late. So I'm dying. But it's OK."

My heart thumped in my chest and I didn't have a response that could help her. How would I help her?

"I went out with the girls from work tonight. They threw me a going away party." Her hand continued to fly through the night air as she raised it then lowered it. "I told them I was going to be taking a position with a place abroad.

Just never told them that place was heaven."

My heart broke.

I took her home and tried to refuse her money. She wouldn't have it. She still smiled.

I cried all the way home.