She was just a young girl when the abuse started. The memories continue to haunt her dream worlds. The most haunting and bone chilling of these nightmares came about 3 weeks ago. The nightmare was yet another memory, but seemed super extra and had added some horror movie ideas thanks to her awake anxiety lately. When the nightmare started she was back to a young child...

"Mommy, please to leave me." She cried and begged as her mother left for an appointment. "Sweetie, you'll be fine, you get to hang out with dad today. Don't you enjoy hanging out with dad?" The girl's mother was exhausted due to being 8.5 months pregnant with the girl's little sister.

Mom left the girl in silent tears, she was blind to the things going on in her absence. Her father was downstairs last she checked, so she did the only thing she thought was safe and bolted to her room and proceeded to shut and block the door. Little did this poor child know that her father had been drinking and in one of his 'moods'. As his footsteps got closer, his voice and the anger and lust mixed into it was getting louder. This girl was only 6yrs old. He went to wiggle the handle, but was unable to get the door open easily. This enraged him more than he already was, but sadly the girl's barricade was no match for his extra rage and he blew right into it slamming the door open as this girl screamed in fear and pain. A piece of her now shattered wooden toybox flew into her arm like an oversize splinter sticking from her shoulder. Father didn't seem to give two flying flips as he continued towards her. There was an odd flame in his eyes, one that not even her mother had seen, and the wicked smile he wore was no better. Once he was close enough to grab her and as he did he made sure to use that giant splinter to his advantage against her. He started ripping her clothes off of her as she begged him to stop. "Well you little bitch, I'd be gentler like I usually am, but you chose to piss me off..." he spat at her. The thing is that even as a 6yr old she knew this wasn't something that her father was supposed to be doing. The issue is that every time she tried to tell someone no one believed her because it seemed too made up and/or because it was way too out of character for him. Her mother never believed her because she thought maybe he was just watching inappropriate movies around her, so when mom went to talk to dad she told him to stop watching inappropriate movies around the child. This alone enraged the girls father because this informed him that she had tried telling after he's made more than enough threats to her about saying a word. Which brings us back to this scene. The night he decided to be rougher with this girl than 'usual' because he was angry. It was so bad that she was barely clinging to life when he was finished with her. Obviously, he didn't take her to a hospital, instead he decided to clean her up himself and sadly for the girl, but lucky for this monster, the easy to see marks that were left after clean up looked more or less like she had gotten hurt by falling from a high place or running into something, so he made sure he got his story straight before mom got home. As the girl had awoken from her close call with death she realized that she was no longer laying in that bed with the physical pain she had recently been put through like she always did and instead was standing over the bed crying for her own daughter. For some reason this nightmare put her daughter in her place. The same man, same house and bed, same scars, but instead of this girl it was her daughter laying in the bed. Her husband was out talking with police while her father and step monster evilly grinned at her from their front yard through the bedroom window. As the girl turned around back to her daughter realization hit, her daughter was not only sexually assaulted by her grandfather, but maliciously killed by the step monster... She broke so bad. There was nothing she could do. Her daughter had been missing for a while and when she was finally found she had her innocence viciously taken as well as her life. And there was nothing she could've done. She cried and screamed until she fell silent seconds from being awoken to the real world by her husband holding her as her tears stained his pillow. Once the panic settled he asked her if she wanted to talk about it, but she declined.. Within seconds panic resurfaced as she jolted out of bed and flew to their 3yr old daughters room and to her bedside. She NEEDED to see that her baby was safe and sound at home, even if doing so ended up waking the toddler.

The saddest part about all of this is that for this girl the sexual assault and abuse to her from this horrible nightmare was some ish that she had to live through. I mean luckily for this girl the physical abuse of it wasn't as extreme and she didn't actually have a close call with death, but she was sexually abused and hit and no one believed her until she had turned 8yr old. And the sexual assault alone had been happening since as far back as she could remember around the time she was 4yrs old at the earliest, maybe even before that. There was also instances after that, one of which being the day before her 8th birthday and only six months before anyone was able to actually hear her and save her. That little girl is the same person writing this Nightmare, the same person who had survived through her father sexually abusing her, amongst other things. No I do NOT allow that monster and his wife anywhere near my child and I make sure I know where she is and who she's with my top priority without allowing myself to become a helicopter parent like my narcissist mother did throughout my teenage year. I mean my daughter is only 3yrs old, so the only reason I would need to worry about her getting into any trouble is if the people she's with tend to get into trouble, which I have this thing where if I don't get good vibes and don't feel any form of trust worth valuing then you don't get time with my child with out me and/or my husband around.

The walls cave in,

As darkness falls.

The demons lurk,

As flames engulf.

The silence is deafening,

As water drowns.

My world comes crubling,

As I fall down.

Life goes on,

But feels like an end.

My light is dimming,

I need a friend.

I feel so weak,

I feel so sad.

Why do I cry,

When I get mad.

Depression is real,

Anxiety sucks.

I feel so jinxed,

and out of luck.

Please be patient,

Please be kind.

I'm trying my best,

To not lose my mind.

Asking for help,

Is very hard.

For someone like me,

Broken with a big heart!

Ladies, we are all different, but we all deserve the best! Some of us are single, some of us are married, and some of us are somewhere in between. Some of us don’t have children, some of us have many children, and some of us either don’t want children, or we want children and/or are trying. There are some of us who even though we would love to have children of our own we are unable to and end up having to either get help from a surrogate or go through the system to adopt. Those of us that are moms we all having different parenting techniques, but for the most part always have our children’s best interest in mind. Some of us were able to give birth to our children vaginally, while some of us chose the route of c-section, and some of us who chose c-section may not have had any other choice without worrying about losing our babies. Some of us were able to go without any pain medication while giving birth, while some of us couldn’t take the pain and decided to go straight for the epidural. Some of us women, in general, can heal pretty quickly, while some of us take a bit longer. No two stories are exactly alike and no two women are exactly alike! Yet I continuously see, hear and get so much judgement about life choices, parenting techniques, and what we choose to wear for our weight and body types. Some of us do better and thrive with going to work while also taking care of ourselves and our families, while some of us thrive better staying home and taking care of ourselves, families and home without the stress of work as well. We shouldn’t be judging and tearing each other down for not being the same… We should be congratulating and building each other up. When I see someone who is on the bigger side of plus sized walking around in a tube top and mini skirt I think to myself, wow she has confidence and looks amazing we need more women like her in this world. I see a mom at the park with her babies letting them explore, while keeping an eye on them from a distance, I think to myself, wow that’s a mom who can trust her kids to be their own person while making sure they’re doing so safely. We are all women and we all get the same type of judgement from society of, “You have to be a size two with a big butt and big tatas to be considered beautiful!” And we all know that’s not true!! Every woman is beautiful in her own way no matter her size, shape, or skin color! We all want the same thing to be able to love ourselves, but how can we love ourselves if we’re constantly being belittled by society and each other. I mean isn’t it enough that we get it from society and media? Why do we feel the need to give the same judgement, we’re all already getting, to each other? We all deserve love from ourselves and each other. We all deserve a break from our everyday lives every once and a while, We all deserve to be built up to be the queens we were meant to be! We are queens of different types. We are not the same and we will never be the same! Honestly the world would be a very boring place if we were all the same… I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t want to live in a boring world! I would like to live in a world where everyone has their own uniqueness to put into the world. We’re not robots that were built to be the same and run off of the same mainframe… We are human beings who were built to have our own free will of thought, beliefs, styles, thoughts, views. We were built to be different and we shouldn’t judge each other and tear each other down because of those differences that make us human, we should encourage each other to be even more different! It’s okay to be the woman who’d rather be the “typical house wife” of not having a typical paying job because you believe your job is to be at home taking care of the house and kids and then when you’re man, or woman, get home from their money paying job be there to greet them and get them a beer and make them dinner, rub their feet, or whatever it takes to take the stress and tension of work off of them so they can relax. But it’s also okay to be the woman who is driven to break away from that definition of a “typical house wife” and be the one who goes to work and pays the bills, because either way is the right way to live your life cause guess what… It’s your life your choices. No one can tell you how to live YOUR life. That being said… You don’t have a right to tell other women how to live their life! We’re all doing the best we can to survive this crazy and chaotic world, don’t add negativity and judgement to the flames.

The room was eerily dim with only one window... I was stuck here with 11 men who acted as if they knew best. so much so that when making a decision on the case they all automatically agreed that the suspect, Mrs. Lockwood, was definitely guilty for the murder of her husband, Mr. Lockwood. None of them even glanced at the files and reports, there was no talking, or anything. They just wanted to go in and agree so they could go home and drink beer while catcalling the women walking down the street. When I asked what were they basing their judgement on, they replied with, "We heard all we need to hear in the courtroom, she's obviously guilty. There was even a witness for heaven's sake... What other proof do you need?" Well I, as the only woman in the room and obviously the only logical one who actually read through the files, had my doubts of Mrs. Lockwood being guilty. As I was looking over the reports, refusing to give an answer forcing them to sit and listen to my reasons to why I disagree with their verdict, I saw something that was not mentioned in the court... The, so-called, witness had previouly attempted to hit on Mrs. Lockwood. In the reports Mrs. Lockwood had mentioned that the witness, Mr. Rouge, did not like the thought of her turning him down and threatened her with, "If I can't have you then no one will have you!!!" This report was made by Mrs. Lockwood on March 7th of 2010, only one year prior to the current case. In the report she stated that she didn't know what he meant and was scared for her life, but it was dismissed due to the fact that Mr. Rouge was a well-known and very loved member of the community. There was also evidence missing from the files, such as finger prints that were supposedly found, but also supposedly didn't match anyone in the system. With a bit more deep reading through the reports in the files, I had found something very curious. The officer that took down Mrs. Lockwood's report in 2010, who swore that Mr. Rouge was so loved and well-known and would never hit on or threaten a married woman, was the same officer that collected the report from the witness and entered the evidence into the report. Something seemed very suspicious to me, so I brought it up to the men. Once I was able to get them to actually look in the files, they finally saw my point of veiw and all started to change their votes, one by one, from guilty to not-guilty. Within about 10 minutes we finally had a final verdict of not-guilty. After all was said and done, Mrs. Lockwood went home while Mr. Rouge was placed behind bars and officer Kingston lost his job and started had an investigation started on him to find see if there was more that could land him behind bars with Mr. Rouge.

The walls cave in,

As darkness falls.

The demons lurk,

As flames engulf.

The silence is deafening,

As water drowns.

My world comes crubling,

As I fall down.

Life goes on,

But feels like an end.

My light is dimming,

I need a friend.

I feel so weak,

I feel so sad.

Why do I cry,

When I get mad.

Depression is real,

Anxiety sucks.

I feel so jinxed,

and out of luck.

Please be patient,

Please be kind.

I'm trying my best,

To not lose my mind.

Asking for help,

Is very hard.

For someone like me,

Broken with a big heart!