The Water Boy
Jimmy “The Water Boy” Jefferson was found fully clothed, hanging by a belt. One end of the belt was wrapped around his neck, the other around a running shower head. Even Jimmy’s very last toss had landed right side up.
Jimmy Jefferson was a youngster with a gift. He could toss a partially filled, plastic water bottle, flipping it by it’s neck, and make it land upright every single time. Jimmy had watched videos of people tossing them on YouTube and tried it. His first attempt failed, but something connected inside him. He felt the water’s weight, and the bottle’s shape, and the distance to the landing spot. Jimmy visualized the bottle flipping awkwardly through the air, twirling at the perfect height, and with the perfect number of rotations to land cleanly on the tabletop, and it became so simple that he never missed again.
Jimmy was showing off his newly acquired talent in the lunchroom at school the next day when Mr. Bailey noticed the gathering crowd. When he inquired, and saw what was happening, he held up his phone, videotaping from overtop the heads of the crowded children. No matter how much water the bottle contained, and no matter how far from the table Jimmy stood, every bottle landed upright, every time. The other kids all crashed and burned when they tried, but Jimmy’s bottles behaved as if they were trained to do the very thing he bid them to do.
The ringing bell broke up the fun, but Mr. Bailey could not stop watching the video. He had the kids in his classroom read silently while he watched over, and over again, until he could stand it no more. He finally hurried to the Teacher’s Lounge, grabbed several bottles from the fridge, and returned to his classroom. He and the children poured varying amounts of water out of each bottle and started trying the trick, attempting to land the bottles on his desk. Out of hundreds of tosses the class collectively managed to land two bottles upright, and one of those was such a short toss that it shouldn't have counted, but both successes caused such a clamor from the children that Mr. Bailey was sure that Prncipal Lemon would hear them. This really was a difficult thing to do!
When class ended Mr. Bailey ran straight to Ms. London in the library. Together, they downloaded the video of Jimmy Jefferson flipping his bottles onto a computer, added some stop-motions, slow-motions, and other effects, titled the video, “Jimmy ‘The Waterboy’ Jefferson,” and they posted it to Mr. Bailey’s YouTube account within a minute of completion.
After school Mr. Bailey excitedly checked his account. Jimmy’s video had already been “clicked on“ 247,890 times. “The Waterboy” was going viral.
It was supper time when he knocked on the Jefferson’s front door. Mrs. Jefferson answered. Mr. Bailey joined the family at the dinner table to explain what he had done. The video had been watched over two million times now, and the number was quickly increasing. The producer of, “The Ellen Show” had already contacted him. They were prepared to pay Jimmy to come on the show. Jimmy “The Waterboy” Jefferson was about to hit the big time!
And so he did. Ellen, Jimmy Fallon, The Today Show, Jimmy did them all, tossing his partially filled bottles to land perfectly while the adult show hosts bumbled about with theirs, looking all the more foolish with every attempt. And Jimmy achieved some fame, and he made some money, and some attention, and he liked it all.
But fame is a fleeting thing. Within weeks the water bottle craze dried up. The shows stopped calling. Jimmy ceased to be “The Waterboy,” and was only Jimmy Jefferson once more. Jimmy’s folks fought over the money before finally splitting up, dividing their time with Jimmy just like they divided the money he had made. A young life that was so recently on top of the world was rolling downhill fast.
Only a few will ever know what it’s like to be fourteen years old, and to know that your best days are behind you. Fame is sweet on the tongue, but leaves a bitter taste once swallowed. Jimmy still tossed water bottles, he tossed them right up to the very end, but no one watched. No one made videos. No one cared.
And so Jimmy Jefferson tossed it all away.
An Asexual’s Rant
Sometimes I wonder how other asexuals feel about attraction. If it's possible to live in this world without being asked smash or pass on random strangers (when that was still popular). If it's possible to live without being asked if you find random stranger xyz cute, or hot, or attractive. If other asexuals are also are confused about what to reply. At least until you find ways to make sense of people's looks.
"He has a nice jawline."
"She's got a great body."
"I prefer guys that are cute, not handsome."
Until you can judge people based on how they look and determine if you could possibly consider dating them. I've been taught that instead of learning about the person, first think about sex. First consider if you feel the blasted "spark." A spark that means something more than being easy to talk to and laugh with. A spark that you can't confuse with friendship, no matter how hard you try.
Maybe I'm naive, but that's what I've learned. That most people don't know the word "asexual" or understand that there's a difference between being open to sex and being sexually attracted to other people. Unless, perhaps, they've searched for it before. Just to be sure, just to be completely sure, that it does not apply to them.
Watching paint dry.
Did you know that when a water-based paint dries it first goes through two stages? 1.evaporation and 2. coalescence. The evaporation is when the liquids in the paint evaporate under normal atmospheric conditions namely namely air temperatures of 20ºC to 25ºC and 50% humidity. Coalescence is when a coherent film is formed so that when the evaporation of water causes the wet paint to shrink, the particles remaining are forced together in a process of mutual attraction and fuses together to form a polymer film.
So.........that’s always good to know.
Daydreamer
I think about you for hours on end, and today is no different. Caught staring blankly at my notebook with a hazy smile, I could feel the heat welling in my cheeks when I askrd what I was smiling about. The innocent question sent a barrage of images through my head of shit I never thought about before. Wedding cakes, flowers, first dates, waking up to Kisses when I'm on my period all flashed through my mind as a continual mental slideshow as André 3000 saying "Fo'evah? Fo'evah evah? Evah evah?" looped over it. The thrre little words just don't put my adoration for you into perspective or truly show how much you make me feel oe convey how much I want to say to you. I feel more in my heart for you than every cockroach in every middle school worldwide. I want you more than magnets want to stick together. If I spend every day of my life with you by my side, it would still be too short. I wish you were my chemistry homework, not bevause I want to do you (though I totally do) but because you are so much more beautiful and interesting than these numbers on this boring piece of paper. I just can't wait until I get to run back to you.
Harry Situation’s 300th Review Special: The Room
Four years and three hundred reviews have led me to this moment...
You read that right, folks. Three hundred. I have written and posted three hundred reviews since my debut on Prose back in 2016. In fact, the time you’re reading this, this will also be my fourth anniversary of being a member of Prose.
A lot of you already know that for my landmark reviews I like to review a really, really bad movie. For the 50th it was Cool Cat; the 100th it was The Last Airbender; 150th was God’s Not Dead; 200th was The Emoji Movie; and 250th was the Jem and the Holograms movie. But I’ve saved the best for last. And my god, I believe I found quite possibly the best worst movie I have ever seen in my life. Here it is... my review for Tommy Wiseau's cult classic The Room.
The Room is a romantic drama film directed, written, produced, and stars the one, the only Tommy Wiseau. Now you may be wonder who exactly is Tommy Wiseau. Don't you know. He's the king of kings. The coming Messiah. Our Lord and Saviour. Actually, nobody really knows who Tommy Wiseau is. He's pretty secretive of his life. No one's entirely sure where he's born or what his age is. He's practically a mystery. But the one thing that wasn't a mystery was how he got into the film industry. No one would hire him as an actor so he decided one day, "Fuck it, I'm gonna make my own movie, with blackjack, and hookers!"
And thus The Room was made. Don't believe me? Check out the film The Disaster Artist, which is about the uprising of Tommy Wiseau and the making of The Room, starring James Franco as Wiseau, and his brother Dave Franco as Tommy's real life best friend Greg Sestero. I declared that movie as my number one pick for the best film of 2017 and I stand by it. It is definitely one of my all-time favorite films. I already reviewed that film. If you want to check it out just follow the link here: https://theprose.com/post/195945/harry-situation-reviews-the-disaster-artist
So what's the story? Oh man, get ready. The "story" centers around a banker named Johnny (played by Wiseau himself) who is happily engaged with his fiancee Lisa (Juliette Danielle). But Lisa is having a secret affair with Johnny's best friend Mark (played by Greg Sestero). And that's just one part of the story. There's a fuckton of other shit that happen that never get addressed or resolved. Like the story behind Lisa's mother finding out she has breast cancer. Or one of their friends Denny was in the mix with a drug dealer. And that's all in the first act alone.
So yeah, the story is a mess, but what about the acting?
Oh... my... fuck...
If you've heard of this film before you already know how bad the acting is. Tommy Wiseaus is not an actor. Hell, I cannot say the same about the entire cast either. It's cheesy. It's way too over-the-top. It's dull. It's insane. Everything you've heard about the acting in this film is one hundred percent true. But I'll give the poor guy this much credit. He's giving it his all. Every bad line read, every scene he chews up, every awkward laugh he makes, he's giving it his all, and I salute the man for it.
Okay acting wasn't the greatest, how's the writing? Read these lines of dialogue from the actual movie:
Johnny: Yeah, can I have a dozen red roses, please?
Flower Shop Clerk: Oh, hi, Johnny. I didn't know it was you. Here you go.
Johnny: That's me. How much is it?
Flower Shop Clerk: It'll be eighteen dollars.
Johnny: Here you go. Keep the change. Hi, doggy.
Flower Shop Clerk: You're my favorite customer.
Johnny: Thanks a lot. Bye!
Flower Shop Clerk: Buh-bye!
Yeah, I don't think I need to spell out how bad the writing is. However, the terrible writing is what makes the film so memorable. I mean with lines like, "I did not hit her. It's not true. It's bullshit. I did not hit her. I did NOOOT! Oh hi Mark" would not have been as iconic without The Room.
How's the directing? It's pretty obvious that Tommy Wiseau had never directed anything in is life. There are scenes and shots that don't make any sense or have no effect on the overall story. There are camera shots of San Fransico meant to pad out the film's runtime. There are obvious green screen shots of what's suppose to be the sky whenever the characters are on the rooftop but you can tell it's a green screen since nothing is moving in the background (and the fact that wind isn't blowing in their hair). And probably the most unusual is the awkward sex scenes between the characters Johnny and Lisa. There's a scene of them having sex but Johnny is positioned in a weird angle from Lisa that it looks like he's trying to have intercourse with her stomach. I mean, this guy does know where the vagina is located, right?
But it's because this movie is so poorly made, so poorly edited and directed, it's why this film has stood out to audiences. It's why this film stood the test of time. This film is like a fine wine. It gets better with age. Okay, maybe not the most accurate comparison. Maybe it's more like a shitty beer. Sure it's shit at first but get going at it and it gets better.
I could go on and on about how bad this movie is, but that would be taking the fun out of experiencing it yourself. This is definitely a film you must watch for yourself and experience it. It's like stepping into another dimension. Now I could talk about all the behind the scenes drama with this film, like how Tommy Wiseau was acting like a complete jerk to his crew members or how he constantly showed up late and stumbled on his own lines. But The Disaster Artist already covered that, so go check that film out some time if you want to learn more about that. More importantly you have to see this film to believe how bad it can be. I've said it before my reviews are moreso recommendations. If you really want to experience something you have to check it out for yourself. And folks, this is a film I definitely recommend watching. My first real exposure to The Room came online with an episode of The Nostalgia Critic (back when he made good videos and had all his friends). Even then, after finding the film and actually watching it myself, it could not prepare me for one of the worst movies ever made... but it is hands down one of the best films I've ever seen in my life. I mean it. I really do mean it. Watching this film brings me so much joy. And we need joy in our lives right now. We need to laugh so hard until we cry. While we're in a global pandemic, with fear of contracting the coronavirus COVID-19 going around, and the isolating practice of social distancing, this is the film to give us joy in our lives.
Yes, it is a terrible written, poorly acted, poorly edited, awfully directed, campy as all fuck movie, but goddamn is it not one of the best things you'll ever experience in your life. I hope to see this film on the big screen and maybe get a picture with Tommy Wiseau one day. That'll be on my bucket list. Folks, go watch The Room, and have yourself a good laugh.
You know what? I'm gonna do something different this time and skip the Grading Scale. Hell, I'm not even gonna give this movie an F. It's too fucking good. So what grade can I give a film that's so bad but so good at the same time, the fact that it is a very terribly made movie it can bring so much joy to audiences all over the world?
Final Grade: A+
So this is my 300th review. Thank you all so much for reading my reviews and following me for so long. It brings me so much happiness to know that I can provide my thoughts and comedic wit in my writing without having to dive into politics or some other bullshit. But I couldn't have gone this far without your support and praise. So again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you all so much.
I guess the question now is, what's next to review? Well, I already have 300 reviews written. Let's see if I can make it to 350, shall we? And what do you think I could review for that special? Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas? Jack & Jill? Maybe an Uwe Boll movie? Who knows at this point? The future is always bright. Until then, please be kine, leave a like and comment, and check out my other works here on Prose!
Best Quote:
Johnny: "YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISA!"
#harrysituationreviews #film #opinion #special #TheRoom #drama #comedy #romance #ThisMovieSucks #sobaditsgood #AGrade
and this is why math shouldn’t exist
A bit of background knowledge first. At my school, there are three math levels for 8th grade: Math 8 (grade level), Algebra, and Geometry. Most of my friends and I are in Geometry.
One day, my absolute best friend ran up to me with a concerned look on her face, saying, “Did you know your crush is in Algebra?”
And yeah, I did know he was in Algebra. I told my friend this and she nearly freaked out. “How could you like him? He’s not even smart!”
To that, I say hooooooooold up.
Since when did math define everything about someone? I like my crush because of his beautiful character and personality.
Didn’t we learn when we were little that character and personality are what define who you are? And not academics?
But as we grow up, our lives become more of a race than a journey. We want to be better than everybody else rather than being a better version of yourself. And because of this, we are losing the very morals that we were once taught.
Now, I don’t know about other places, but here in NorCal, life is such a race that people would rather struggle in school while being at the same level as their friends than be a bit behind and actually understand the concepts.
Why do we even value academics so much? In the end, everybody reaches the same destination.
We can’t say the same about character and personality, now can we?
And so maybe we should rethink our values for a moment.
And more importantly, not give hate to those who learn at a slower pace.
Because that is not what defines them.