I just want to see the sun come up.

Not because of what's tomorrow, but because I can't stand the night.

I don't want to exist in the dark, and yet I want to shrink in the light.

To stay inside a cocoon of my own making.

So that I need not face the bright smiles, of friends I don't deserve.

Life seems to pass so slowly, drawing out the details of my agony.

And when I find a dream to hang on to, time speeds up and a year has passed.

As if to say,

You may imagine, but right here is where you will stay.

As if my life is just a trick of the light in a room full of mirrors.

Where I am endlessly searching for the true foundation of all this projection.

And no matter the amount of glass I smash,

I still can't seem to decide whether I am hopeless or driven.

Am I just a madman clawing at the walls of a maze of my own making?

Am I genius for giving myself something to keep on moving?

The nights stretch on and the moonlight is bright,

But I still can't seem to catch a glimpse of truth or right.

I fill my mind and body with distraction.

Ignoring any and all of my reactions.

I think to myself that I am nothing and simultaneously I dream of touching the sky.

I think of all the greatest things in my life and instantly recognize what is missing.

Yet, the bridge between the two is nowhere to be found.

There is only a great chasm too wide to step over.

I smile as I walk away.

I smile as I think I could just end it today.

My first date with God, was intense to say the least. God was the longest relationship I have ever been in, but I'm finally going on my second date with God. It's so funny, I've known God for so long, but it's like I'm finally learning who God is. When I was just about to go on my first date with God, I had instructions whispered in my ears. Rules were explained and customs were performed. I learnt rituals, spoke of blessings, sang praises, and avoided harshness. On my first date with God I expected enchantment, I expected extreme, I wanted wonderment,  and desired divinity. When I came home from that first date and had none of the things I had so desperately hoped to see and to believe, when I had nothing in my hands, I turned to look around me. I thought am I alone among all these believers who can see those great turrets on high. I wished, if only I could see some great presence or feel it's aura like the others; inhale it's essence like those who claim to feel its touch, to know it, to live it. If so many are living it, they can't all be wrong, If so many feel God's love then who am I not to try. So I studied and learnt, and God started to change, I heard of God's wrath, his anger, I envisioned greatness, and learnt hatred. I expected to be taught how to bring together, but was instructed to drive apart. All under the pretense of God I was told what to do and why, who to love, and when it's appropriate to try. When to leave and where to go, only told yes or no. When I heard no more reasons, when I got no response, I looked around again. I looked around as I had done every day, I saw where I was, and it was farther than I'd ever came. I'd left a lot behind, and I still know where it lays, but now I know, that it's just for visiting. Because when I finally looked around after all those years of walking, I realized I had my nose buried in a book that whole time. I couldn't love God, because I couldn't see God while I was always looking down. Reading into God is fine, but you'll likely lose your mind, not from sense but from the road. You can study and you can preach, you can stand on the busiest corner on the biggest of streets. You can set up shop, and invite people to stop but what does it mean, feeling so clean, shiny and nice, does it ever make you think twice. What abut the world out there, what about the trees, the all natural breeze? What about all those things that exist for a reason, that make me wonder and thank God for intellect. Because I can both wonder and love, discuss theory and have fun, not everything requires uniform from above. I'm finally going on my second date with God and it's going really well. I'm getting to learn about all the quirks I already knew, but in a different way this time. Because I don't have anyone whispering in my ears, no-one to feed me any fears. I know God is love, and I know this because, I've felt it every day since I left that space. To all the believers I left behind,  to all the truth seekers wasting their time. I left that first date and I was pissed, but we had a talk and I think God has changed, at least for me. It did take a long time, I'm not going to lie, but everything seems different now.  Now I'm on my second date with God. I don't know how long I'll stick around this time, but everything's all the more wonderful. The world is more beautiful if you just look at it for what it is, instead of chiseling it to perfection. Because as you chisel away for the sake of uniformity, you shave off a layer of beauty never to be gotten back. 

New moment, New life,

Old house, Just strife,

New bed, Same sheets,

Blame someone? Blame me,

    Why'd you go, 

I couldn't see,

    But  for what, What reasons could be,

Well supposed, Just wasn't anymore,

And harmony existed, No longer to me,

The joy, Was gone too,

All that had, Once been free,

All that was, Just wasn't,

Now it all costs, A part of me, 

All  the memories, All the time,

Now I'm falling, I Don't want to climb,

Keep your tower, and Keep your walls,

Hold your power,  and Adorn your halls,

I'll be gone for, Quite a while,

I'll be waiting, With a smile,

Because it's not new to me,

This idea that no one can see,

What's coming or going to be,

What's been is all I know,

And while I've got a new pose,

And tomorrow, No one knows,

I'll take my chances, Oh I'll take me,

Because all I can do, Is try to see.

A night of living, the darkness is giving,

The morning came, you looked the same,

Beauty when needed, but never completed.

A night full of passion, like stolen laughter,

When over and done, when you see the sun,

Everything's the same, nothing has changed.

We shared the time, we were intwined,

Chest perfectly rising, to go with your sighing,

Drunken movement, we need no improvement.

We had each other, I felt you flutter,

Watching you fly, I reach for your sky,

Now I join you, I'm seeing your view.

Lying together, I felt so much better,

I lied to myself, there's nobody else,

Except empty edges, and lonely caresses.

It's all for this time, It's a hell of a climb,

It's all gonna end, again I'll feel dead,

Beauty might pass us by, but beauty will satisfy.

Beauty will hold you, and beauty will heal you,

It'll save you for now, it completes you somehow,

Beauty might not stay, but beauty makes me feel okay.

Blue clouds,

Blissful eyes,

Hopeful days,

Holding mine.

White clouds,

Window panes,

Nothing left,

No rain.

Grey clouds,

Grey mind,

Full of fog,

Fearful times.

Dark clouds,

Dark days,

Left alone,

Lost ways.

When the blackness looks like a rainbow,

And nothing seems to last,

When everything is painful,

Most definitely the past;

Know, the flames of reality,

Give way to the gravity,

Of crashing waves,

Leaving new ways paved:

And the age past reason,

It's chaos lays in wait,

But to rebuild upon,

Is possibly its fate. 

I've waited all summer to see the colors of my shades change. And today I saw the faces behind them. I saw a roaring lion, and his magnificent flowing mane. His purple shroud, hid his face, as if in clouds. Yet he stood still, held back only by his strong will. I saw a hidden queen, turned to the side. Henna imprints of divine, revealing only but one eye. I called out to you, who are you? But I knew you weren't mine. The door opens, the wind blows in, the curtain refills, and again we begin.

Those liquid summer months,

They run and stretch my life,

Never taking much affront,

But leaving me in strife,

Like toffy left in sun,

There's nothing left, now it's done.

A word of advice from the "ultimately" nice,

My smile hides my frown, I'm usually down,

People ask and say, how and why I smile each day,

But they just don't seem to get it, I didn't invent it,

They walk right by, I know they aren't looking in my eyes,

I don't let them, even when we're connecting,

They don't know how to inquire, and I don't know how to retire

So they keep on with their day, and I keep pretending to be okay,

But inside I'm dying, it's getting really hard to keep on trying.