Black & White
Where are you?
When you're not inside my mind
It's like we're frozen in time
Captured in black and white
You've found someone else
But your Soul knows the truth
Of who we are to each other
And you can keep lying to yourself
But she'll never be me
You can't replicate my energy
Go ahead and try to replace the memories
Ignore your intuition
Forget about what we had
But we will just keep meeting
Lifetime and lifetime again.
Split.
Am I Carmen or Morganne? Who’s nails are these and why am I so out of touch with reality? Again, I find myself escaping the fulfillment of my potential through some other illusion that leads no where.
I realize now what I have to do. We have to kill Carmen completely.
It’s been awhile since I’ve lived so out of alignment with my truth.
Morganne is kind, genuine, unconditionally loving and a ray of sunshine to all.
Carmen is beautiful, manipulative, selfish, narcissistic, and uses her power for personal gain.
When did Morganne become so “not enough?”
Everyone sees Carmen. Admires her and envies her. She is mysterious and sexy.
Morganne is just the girl next door.
Carmen always has perfect makeup, long nails and revealing clothing. Seductive at all times but like that of a snake charmer or siren.
She lures men in and swallows them whole out of revenge for teasing Morganne in middle school.
When I introduced Carmen to the world I didn’t realize how easily she would be able to snatch souls and suffocate random strangers in her succubus shadows.
If I kill her now will there be anything of Morganne left?
Why is my mind so fragile?
I’m sad again, depressed as fuck and I feel it.
Every time I run away it follows me.
There is no escaping it and the worst part is being so beautiful and having people expect you to be happy just because you’re pretty.
I think I just need something to look forward too. When I get like this I still try and smile at people because if I don’t, they might feel sad too.
I don’t want to infect anyone with this disease that doesn’t’ go away.
I’m dying right now and I feel it so deeply. There’s also this incessant feeling that I’m alone and not doing enough with my life and potential. That part drowns me. It’s weird knowing that you are exactly who and where you’re supposed to be but at the same time completely lost and alone and wanting to hope for the future but not knowing what to expect from it. But then realizing you create all of it and needing to pull yourself out of this funk to keep going because your purpose is greater than you.
Why do I always find myself wearing this mask?
Being in the world is so fucking depressing to me. It’s like my passion has bled out of me.
I could be bipolar but I’m also a creative being and I crave to express myself in words, clothing, love making. There is so much life and divinity inside me begging to be heard, seen and felt.
My spirit doesn’t fit in my body and when I try to pretend that I’m not meant to be great, I find myself eating and drinking. Sleeping and escaping into my mind, into the past. I want to crawl back to who I used to be because it’s so comfortable to me and I don’t know this person is that I’m becoming and I already have trust issues.
But I can’t go back to her. She’s dead now and there’s really no point in missing her when the future is so much brighter. I mourn her and all the Souls tied to hers.
Here I am in purgatory once again not being able to go backwards and walking through the dark towards an idea of what could be.
The next step is freeing her. It’s like she’s at the bottom of the ocean chained to the sea floor. Her screams go unheard but soon the world will hear her voice once again.
If I don’t break her out soon she will drown but that is not an option.
So, I must be the brave one, even upon realizing that finally freeing her will be the end of me. I have to die in order for her to live.
But my time is up now and it’s her turn.
Blessed
The devil almost got me, a few times.
Born to a meth addicted prostitute so it’s a miracle that I even made it here.
They say that while the baby is forming in the womb, that they absorb the spirit of their mother as well as the sounds of the environment.
Maybe that’s why I’m a white girl but not really.
God knows what kind of men my mom was sleeping with to jump back onto the dragons back and escape from it all. Experimenting with drugs and alcohol at 12 years old, she lost her mind before it could even develop.
A beautiful young artist with a volcanic and volatile spirit.
Generational curses passed down from the womb. While she was still an angel manifesting inside of my Grandmother her first impression of the world was violence.
My Grandfather was angry and plagued with demons of jealousy and rage. Combine his darkness with alcoholism and my Grandmothers timeless beauty and his mind created fantasies in which he had to beat the shit out of her to soothe his own insecurities.
Her essence was greater than he could ever be. The reality of her greatness crushed his ego and to feel powerful he had to make her powerless.
It was three years of brutal hell until my Grandmother gained the courage to pick up the pieces of her broken heart and start over.
I must get my spiritual strength from her. My mother wasn’t as strong. She came incarnated already having gone through so much pain, I can imagine she was ready to escape reality the moment she got the chance.
House of Balloons
Take her upstairs and get her naked. I’ll be up in a sec babe. GO.
I had a few shots of vodka but I was still sober and I knew by Mateo’s tone that I better do what he say, so I allow him to pull my puppet strings. This is how I know that I really have a darkness within me. It’s there.
My shadow side I inherited from my birth mom Brenda. She was fucking nuts. My Grandma Kat told me she used to come the next morning with truckers and she was only 15 years old. And she would be driving the truck with a meth pipe, needle marks, and $200 in her purse that wasn’t there before when she left.
I grab the pretty Mexican girl by her hair and drag her drunk ass up Mateo’s cold metal windy staircase. His LA studio apartment cost $3500 a month and had cement walls just like a prison cell. There was no love here. The energy inside was like a thick dark fog and when I woke up on his couch every morning I felt like the Sun had left the Earth and decided not to ever come back. Like we didn’t deserve her warmth anymore.
Laying her down on his purple satin sheets I begin seducing her, kissing her neck and moving slowly with my tongue to her nipples and make my way down until I’m between her legs. Once she’s comfortable and completely naked, laid open for the wolves I invite Mateo and his friends upstairs to join us.
I’m not sure if she’s drunk or actually enjoying being penetrated by 3 men at one time but I let her have her fun and go outside to get some air. I would do anything for a joint just to escape this nightmare.
When the sacrifice is over and the wolves have been satisfied I go back in quietly and lay on the couch to sleep, praying that one day I will have the strength to leave. But where would I even go?
Games
Why do we continue this endless tug of war?
I try to let go but you pull on my heart strings until we're face to face once again.
The desire to hold on forever lingers and the pain of letting go is too much for either of us.
There's no more fruit to bear and we've become scavengers for any goodness left.
Clawing at the beautiful illusion of lust and possibility that no longer exists.
Too much reality has destroyed our fantasy.
Lust
You make me feel dead inside.
It’s like a magnetic pull that drags my soul out of my body.
I can’t keep my hands off of you but I lose myself in the craving.
And I’m never satisfied.
Your words promise forever but your actions make me feel lost.
Grabbing at something that isn’t there.
Pouring my love into a broken glass.
My heart spilling out of my chest.
Your toxic and I keep poisoning myself with your medicine.