I remember,

the first time I said

"I love you"

and truely meant it,

my hands shook,

my mind raced,

and my heart feared.

feared you'd reject me.

feared you'd hurt me.

but you said it back

and you truely meant it.

the words

"I love you"

became meaningless

I no longer love

your face

your smell

your hands

your voice

the way you smiled

the way you held my hand

the way you noticed so many things

that other people couldn't be bothered to

I can no longer say

"I love you"

but I can say

I'm sorry.

because when I hear those words from you

all I wanna do is cry

for what we once had.

for what we lost.

because when he says it

my heart jumps,

my lips smile,

and I can feel it in my soul

that he means it.

because I love

his face

his smell

his hands

his voice

the way he smiles

the way he holds my hand

the way he notices so many things about me I hardly cared to think about before he came along

more than I can ever remember loving you.

but I know.

I know that love was once strong.

I know that love was once real.

because I'm sorry.

I know, everything is my fault and I'm a horrible person.

but I just have one question:

what gives you the right to tell me who I'm allowed to be?

what gives you the right to tell me who I am?

what gives you the right to tell me I can't be what feels right?

what gives you the right to treat us like shit and pretend it didn't happen?

what makes you think we won't push you away?

nothing.

I'm not a horrible person for being upset with you.

but I do have one more question.

why are you such a god. damn. child.

no blanket,

no wall,

no saftey,

no light.

it's the absence of what makes us happy

I see

the sky

;

Bright blue

Happy

Calm

Peaceful

.

I see

clouds

;

Dark

Sad

Stormy

Raging

.

I get

swallowed up

in a dark

mad

stormy

mess

.

I let

myself

get fooled

by

the bright sky

.

I thought

it would be

peacful and

calm

.

I'll never

let myself

be tricked

by the

light again

.

I inhale the scent

of the pepper mint.

My stomach

churning,

and my breath

coming in and out

slower than

my heartbeat.

I feel so

lost.

I feel so

tired,

so weak.

So lost

when I let go

of your

hand,

walking

down the road.

I can't see

you anymore,

I can't remember

if I passed you

or not.

I just wish

I could rewind the clock

to that moment

our hands slipped

out of grasp.

Maybe it happened suddenly,

or maybe

it happened so slowly

neither of us noticed.

Or maybe you did,

but we were too far apart

for you to tell me.

All I can do is say I'm sorry,

and I miss you.

My hand is so cold without yours in it.