I never thought I’d die

By the hands of you.

I never thought I’d love him.

I never thought they would hurt me,

But I was blind.

I kept on crying,

Praying,

Hoping someone would hear me.

I mourned losing myself.

I was stuck,

A constant carrousel

Of sorrow.

No one to help me,

No one to show me the way.

I learned in the abyss

How to protect my heart

And how to survive on my own.

I learned how to be my own saviour,

Because I’m the only one who cares enough

To try.

Co written by my two younger sisters and I <3

There are gossamer cracks on my brain that drag me back to when I was fifteen, engrossed with someone else's boyfriend. He was like a big brother at first then was a monster that only wanted me when he was lonely. It wasn't abuse to me then, hell, it was never called abuse but I know a part of me is now broken. I hate going into detail, but he was someone I trusted with parts of me that no one else was able to know, and I paid a price for it that I'm still calculating.

I feel the cracks when I meet someone new and they get close and the wall automatically forms, creating a labyrinth around the delicate parts that have been cracked. No one is allowed in, yet I feel someone closing in on the final leg of the maze. No monster I send to scare them off will work, and I feel the steps vibrating along those cracks, threatening to affect them, make them bigger. I no longer cry because it hurts, I now cry because I feel someone coming and I can't tell if it's with a bandage or a pickax and no part of me wants to find out.

Tears slide down my face because I don't know who to trust because even these walls are starting to turn against me, protesting always keeping people out and always wanting to stay safe. Safety robbed us of a rebellious teenage phase and intensified drunken college nights. Every month of friendship with a boy seems like I am inching closer and closer to the cliff. Every flirt or casual suggestion of a date sends makes my mind numb and my heart calcify. It's been five whole years now, and I can't shake it. I can't stop thinking that every man will be the same as him, and I don't know that I ever will.

My heart is nothing special.

It is not a ruby

The size of my fist,

Nor is it a stash

Of glittering gold coins,

But I will protect it as if it was.

Too many times

Have I allowed people

To touch my heart,

Only for them to

Break it.

Not anymore.

I will treat it as if it is precious,

I will guard it with all my might

And I will die before I let another person

Into this vault again.

~

“T h e

s a m e

sun

that

m

e

l

t

s

the ice

also

hardens clay.”

*a similar phrase, originally stated by Origen of Alexandria, referred to the sun melting wax and was rephrased by others, most notably Spurgeon. The only credit that I can take is for the arrangement.

Enjoy!

Some will say goodbye

Some will say

See you soon

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