monsters in his driveway
this war will only be won once you slaughter the inches between us
to feel your hands in my hair and carving paths in my back is to know peace
oh dear
you did not teach me to love
you shot me in the chest with the love i deserved
the blood runs blue over my wandering fingers as they fumble to undo my bra
i know with time all things will pass
our memories drained of their saturation
thank god
thank you god
maybe one day i shall return the favor
until then my lungs will rip each other to pieces to forget
the train leaves at 10 don’t forget
for fucks sake how do we go on
makeup and the bars of my rusting tear-filled cage stain the sheets instead of you
oh dear i miss you like the sky yearns for the sun at dawn
dragging you above the horizon
i wonder if you want to rise at all
platonically suicidal
his parents speak in venom after he leaves his little brother at home alone with no food
but they must not really care too much.
all he was looking for was someone to make him want to hurt a little less
its hard after being this comfortable, he thinks.
you're totally a girl.
they left the train tracks just in time
they turn back in front of the flower shop to watch the machine rush over where they just sat seconds ago
wondering what it would feel like to finally die.
one window with a screen and one without
blowing smoke into the bitter night and praying it wouldn't kill them until they were ready
but who's ever really ready, they think.
vodka and caffeine only hours after waking up
he leaves the bottle behind.
he ignores his mom's chemo treatment
and kisses him goodbye with a laugh and a strained smile.
this floor is fucking filthy.
a stargazer and someone seeing their words in colors
sit in anything but silence
for their touches scream louder than the static.
one boy's knife and one boy's notification.
i am sober.
909
how can i want to save someone i’ve never met
“the gods won’t lend a hand to everyone.”
it's so easy to cry for you, stranger.
it's cold without you
promise you'll meet me when we're both ready
the train station floor is dirty and familiar
liar
every flyer on the wall riddled with pride and the stories of sinners
though the angels concoct more hurt in a day than i could in all the weeks i've known their names
we still let them
every androgynous face holding a bottle too tight
every girl
or something like that
with eyes poisoned by hatred and the fire we started together
every shaky voice at half past three screaming for any kind of release from remembering
every whore in the neighbor's living room missing who they used to be
every mediocre singer bound by fate to thursday's jitney back home
every bruised shin and glossy undereye circle forced to suck up the nausea for the sake of
the family behind the goddamn picket fence
man's best friend and his good girl too
the unwanted gaze of mars and his friends is yet another sucker punch you're compelled to take
almost in the same way you've taught yourself to take i love you with a grain of salt.
right stranger?
let me walk you home in all your glory
sing you the songs jesus never meant for us to hear
keep up.
"consequences for all the stupid things i say."
harder to admit you might be the monster isn't it
but i know you
i prefer to blame it on the drugs
wouldn't you
stranger
plastic chopsticks
pictures of the subway and the smell of old highlighters was never enough to keep me here
the e in sharpie is barely visible
my chest is tight
the old pond where we put sheets over our heads showed my reflection better than any of the three mirrors in my room, i think
how is it that the permanent hair dye feels like a lie right in front of me
nothing and everything is an illusion that i don't know how to break through
i don't remember anyone ever teaching me
i don't think anyone knew it would be important
i don't think we know ourselves
i know you
i hope i do
i can't taste the gum in my mouth anymore
but i don't want to spit it out
falling from a thousand feet up seems like it would be fun wouldn't it
who the fuck decided birds were allowed but not me
i think if i ever met god that's what i'd talk to her about
kinda fucked
the smarties wrappers on my desk are beginning to outweigh me
not that i mind of course
the cans have had me outnumbered for months
why doesn't my zippo work
either the universe has something really good in mind or else we're fucked
you and me
i wish you wouldn't always go
it's hard to choose love
what's stopping me from climbing out my window right now
i took the screen out months ago
i lied about why but maybe what i said was what i really meant
maybe i didn't know
why is everything spinning
the ground was supposed to be there when i fell
{for you}
my vision's blurring again
i should shower
it's been a while
care to join me dear
modern greek tragedy
“That fits you perfectly.”
That’s what my half-drunk aunt said as I walked out of my room wearing a crimson dress that stopped just above the knee, the security tag still attached. I hadn’t put it on since the day I got it, given to me by your oldest sister when I was looking through her closet trying to find a prom dress.
It really is a pretty thing, dappled with pale pink flowers, several elastic straps crossing in the back, a bit of tulle at the bottom so that it puffed out. I put my hair up quickly in a bun, the twists held up by a purple scrunchie you gave me months ago.
“That’d be cute with some sneakers too.”
In my room again, I forced my bare feet into the nicest pair of sneakers I had without untying the laces, ones with cherries and a butterfly carefully embroidered on the side. Staring into the mirror with 1996 by The Wombats blasting in my ears, I almost felt it. The necklace you gave me hung just underneath the neckline of the dress. The spearmint gum in my mouth suddenly tasted bitter.
It felt like another life.
Running away from a good friend’s house, leaving behind a birthday party we didn’t even want to go to. Hopping on a skateboard and going down a hill way too fast, side by side. Sneaking back in through my bedroom window and blasting music that usually meant too much but meant nothing at all tonight. Never really being that happy, everyone knows that only happens in the movies, but maybe if we wait it out everything will be okay in the end. Neither of us had any money or trust or makeup or coffee, but we had each other, at least until it’s time to go.
I grabbed my hairbrush and mouthed the words to the song to my reflection, a picture of the universe I’ve been wishing for.
My baby hairs fought their way out of my bun, my head getting messier with every jump that shook the floors as my shoes hit the dirty wood. I played the drums in the air around me, the drums that hurt my ears with every downbeat.
We kiss with one eye on our T.V. set,
And the more I give, the less I get,
Needing fairground rides just to spark a smile,
There’s little here to miss,
Bring back 1996
Every word was a new punch to the stomach. My shirt from yesterday still smelled like weed.
In reality, we haven’t talked since the day I told you everything. The only thing you said when I wrote you a long paragraph wishing you a happy birthday was thank you. I really do hate change, you know.
So hard to beat those teenage kicks,
Bring back 1996
I fucking hate knowing things will never be the same again. It’s so easy to do something that will make sure things are never the same again. You don’t even realize until the damage is done.
I don’t know how to fix this. I started writing you a letter the other day and all I managed to get out was your name. You always hated your name.
I sat down on my bed, the dress puffing up around me. I feel sick.
In another life, I know I’m alright. This one’s okay if you don’t think too hard.
It’s wrong but surely worse to leave
The drums are faster now.
“How fitting there are no stars in the sky tonight.”
God I wanna get out of here.
I miss you. I’ll be waiting for you for as long as you need, darling. The world can be ours again, the nights can be clear. You don’t deserve me but I promise you can always come back. This just wasn’t how I meant for it all to go. You don’t even have to look at me the same, just looking is enough, I guess.
Is it time to go, my love?
How long did it take to lose your best friend?
i don’t want to pick up the phone at 1am anymore
I wonder how you feel, knowing that none of your apologies will ever be enough. Maybe it's kind of like how I feel, knowing that you don't deserve me. I didn't want your second chance to be given to you on your deathbed, that's all.
I mean, this shit isn't supposed to be pretty. My face dripping with makeup at half past ten last October wasn't a picture I would have wanted to paint, but it's still what I needed. It was what you needed to see. This is supposed to be fucked up and raw and real and just painful enough that you actually want to see the end of it all.
God, too late really is such a shitty concept.
Even the view from the top of the hill is messy. Things don't just fall in line, the abstract doesn't make sense, no matter how long you stare. If you live in details, you'll miss the whole point. It was only when I was drunk and alone in her bed, staring at your sweatshirt on the floor that I think I understood.
The past few months weren't a decision. Reasons can't be put into words, life isn't a damn choice, I'm not a fucking option. The worst part was knowing you knew all of the worst shit and watching you do what I heard you promise you wouldn't. A million times over. "Sorry" doesn't cut it. But I can pretend I guess.
This is the first time I'm blaming you. Just because I let you come back doesn't mean I can forget, doesn't mean I'm being smart, doesn't mean you can walk away forgiven and happy. Just because you're my weakness and you know it.
You dragged me out of it kicking and screaming with nothing but your silence.
Make me fall in love with you again.
I'm [finally] not sorry.
raynaud’s phenomenon
she bled the brightest light
it blinded everyone that saw her hurt
sometimes they would give up on looking.
their eyes were worth more than that
it hurt to see her spilling everything she was through the tiles,
and i could never stop watching
it felt like looking from the wrong side of a mirror.
so i laid down next to her on the freezing floor
and saw the ceiling disintegrate under her gaze
i watched her instead
going home at night was so hard
the seats of her beat-up car leaned all the way back
i was surprised she didn’t put the stars out with her eyes
both our hands clutched the other’s
in that moment there was nothing else left to do.
my other hand wiped my face
shit, there’s just so much i can’t lose
i fought too hard to domesticate the fire
it was gone before i even got burned
i didn’t want to play this game.
i know i’m not a good person
but neither were you
i walked outside to the sound of sirens
breathe
my bare legs and orange hands were bitten by the january wind
the burn starts behind your nose when you’re looking up
running
she called when we were on cedar street.
there were no stars that night
“i can’t fucking breathe”
she helped me let go
and the dying sky still falls apart like it always does
i feel sick
full stop
she wouldn’t let me go
please
the lights flicker and fade
what is a beginning if not promise of an end
drifter//ily
“Are we just gonna sit here?”
I was on top of the lifeguard stand, he stood on the sand below. He couldn’t reach me here. The sun had gone away, the moon shined just as bright. I smiled. It almost reached my eyes.
“It’s cold.” I know. My sneakers were falling apart. The grains of sand got stuck in my hands as I gripped the old 4x4′s, painted white ten years ago. My eyes met his. I don’t know what he saw. It was dark. The streetlight a hundred feet away in the parking lot taunted his paling skin.
We said it to break the silence most times. I hid my face in his shoulder. I always knew I would never be enough. “Should I take you home?” I used to think it was him.
I’m not the main character in this story.
I fell in love in a car that smelled like crumpled homework and his neighbor’s cigarettes. I didn’t mean to. Five months later he still loved her.
“What was it for?” It stings behind my nose. It’s always worse to hold on, but no one’s really afraid of pain anymore, I think.
Did this chapter make him happy?
“You still want something that can never be the same.” Sometimes looking hurts too much. He didn’t come back to the same smile. I let my nail polish chip away instead of taking it off. We slow dance and pretend the walls broke.
My sneakers have holes in the heels.
for now [the shitty story of her and you and me]
her
there were so many long nights
[and she never shut up about you]
she fell in love too late and broke her own heart
i don’t think she knows the difference between reality
and her own mind anymore
you
god she loved you
me
listening to every word she said
drying every tear
absorbing every scream and every bitter word she took back
she never knew you were mine
the walls of her living room watched you two fall in love
and watched you fall back out
but after it was her
[before it was her again]
it was us
and i watched us fall apart anyway
slowly
and you watched me fall apart in a heartbeat
[i fell in love too late too]
your car stereo never hid my sobs
and her radio didn’t stop the tears from coming
and she still doesn’t know why
[she’s still my best friend]
and i can never not lie
″you can tell me anything”
only ever the saying of those with too much hope
the ones who don’t know enough to mean it
because she still tells me
every day
how fucked up it would be if we were in love this whole time
jesus am i that bad of a person
i thought it would be okay
i thought i was going to be the one to tear you apart
that i was going to wake up one day and leave
but it was always you
it was me that fell in love with a dream
[a dream that wasn’t only in my head]
because you were safe and warm and home
and it was hers too
you
god i love you
oh, reader, this isn’t as deep as you thought
i see you in every song, every star, every overpriced coffee
[that i know we would have bought together]
every sliver of hope
every broken heart and every piece of mine
and i still get in your bed like nothing changed
i remember the life we planned
and i’d live it a thousand times
and every time i know you’ll always slip away
for you can say the words as many times as you want
and i can say you can come back
[cause sometimes you do]
and when i looked again
you were [still] gone
@chainedinshadow