we’re running side by side, feet pounding against the concrete, syncing with the beat of our heart.

the sun is beginning its descent, melting slowly into the horizon, one oozing drop at a time.

we could reach up and pluck it out of the sky, it seems.

we could hold it in the palm of our hand, put it in a little lantern and carry it always, a reminder that even in the darkest times we will have light.

but we keep going, pushing ourselves faster than we ever thought we could go.

we feel like cheetahs striding through the open prairie, like a horse bred for racing, tearing around each and every corner with the power of a falcon soaring into the star speckled beyond.

i am pulling slightly ahead as the sun falls behind our backs, and the light is fading, a firefly that has been kept in a jar for much too long, struggling to stay alive.

i cannot stay much longer, that I know.

it is becoming too dark.

we stop on a corner to pick up the paper.

we lift it in our hands, examining the front page.

in the dimming glow of the streetlights, we can begin to make out the words thrown across the page: kennedy elected, usa saved.

folding the paper in a neat roll, we cram it into our pocket and hand the young boy running the stand a few coins.

he tips his hat gratefully and we begin racing again, but it is not before long that the dark comes altogether and i slip away into the darkness, anticipating the next time we will get to play.

we are never far apart over the span of the next few years.

i am always by his side, and although i do not speak to him, he knows i am there.

i am there the day he has his first kiss, watching in bittersweet happiness as my boy begins to grow up and find himself for the first time.

i am there the day he finds out his father is dead, and i am the only one who stays by his side as he crumples into a little ball of hopelessness and despair.

i lay down next to him and comfort him with my quiet presence.

there is not much more i can do.

i am there the day he meets the man he is to love, as their broken eyes find each other across the room of the dimly lit bar.

i am there when he edges over to the man with a nod of his head, and slides into the seat next to him.

i am there, standing against the wall, when my boy brings his new love home to his mother, who smiles sorrowfully with tears in her wrinkled eyes, wishing her husband could be here to see this sacred moment.

i am there the day they move in together, as they hold hands and gleefully run through each room of their new home, laughing and hugging, planning out their lives together in their small temple of hope and dreams.

but i cannot help but feel an ounce of sadness course through my being as I remember the time that my boy would spend with me, skipping and playing and going everywhere together, just the two of us.

i shake the thought out of my head and replace it with thoughts of how truly happy i am for him, to be with the person he loves.

i am forgotten.

i am there the day they adopt their daughter, a small girl from some far away place you only hear of in fairytales.

the youthful flame in their eyes that has been forgotten since childhood is reignited, and i feel a spark of warmth inside of me at the thought of my boy filled with so much love again.

but as the light outside the windows begins to dim down, i can’t help but feel as though i am being replaced yet again.

i disappear into the darkness as i do every night, only to be awoken the next morning by the indifferent sun beginning to hover over the horizon.

i am there the day their daughter leaves home, as all three embrace tearfully and promise to never let go.

i stand apart in a corner, watching as they part with wet eyes and aching hearts, and some small corrupted part of me feels a tinge of happiness.

maybe, just maybe, i think, i will be remembered, with one less person in his world.

but life is too busy to work as such, and i find myself dreaming of the times we would run together, racing against ourselves and the world.

i am there the day he finally notices me, the sun high overhead in the sky, beating down waves of heat on all who dare set foot outside.

he looks over at me, up against the brick wall covered in decades of graffiti, and smiles, eyes crinkling at the corners, no doubt remembering all the time we spent together as children.

without looking away, he begins to run.

we jog side by side again at last, down the winding, smoky streets of the city.

neither of us are as young and nimble as we used to be, but our feet slap the concrete in unison once more.

legs burning, arms pumping, chests heaving in and out, i feel a surge of nostalgia.

i will be alone no longer.

but I see the car before he does.

a large truck, green, a color rarely seen in the city anymore.

rusted around the grille, large and threatening and dangerous.

i see it all, taking it all in in slow motion.

every part of my body is warning me to stop, to slow down, to do something, but i cannot.

all i can do it watch as the car slams into the side of my boy, who didn’t even see it coming.

he is thrown like a rag doll across the road, and i feel myself being jerked along with him.

our bodies slam into the ground with the impact of a meteor, and i cannot do anything but stare as my boy takes a final rattling, painful breath, spilling out onto the pavement.

i look deep into his broken eyes, hoping, praying, and cursing myself for not doing something, anything at all to save him.

but how could I have?

i am banished to a life half lived, to watch from afar, never to be anything more than the reflection of a man.

a shadow.

I wonder as I look at you sipping that drink alone in the open whether a time will come when I’ll no longer see you. Forget the dark when the monsters successfully chase you away. I mean every other day when the light keeps the monsters at bay.

I wonder if you remember the first day I noticed you. My mother loves to tell that story. How I was two and walking down the street with her. How I noticed you doing everything I did, and called for her. Of course back then I was amused with reflections. I looked for them everywhere and laughed or made faces at the mirror. But you were not like the rest. You came in the same colour and had no facial features. That first day though, you scared me and I turned round in circles but the dizziness only made me forget and didn’t run you away. I pointed at you but I can’t tell if you pointed back. I saw your hand move but your finger could have been pointing anywhere it pleased.

I wonder if you forgot the first time we played. Genuinely played. Without fear of being laughed at. It was a class project and we were supposed to determine the position of the sun. As though it would somehow change in our year! Then, my fascination with you was not considered vain, it was educative. I jumped and you jumped. I danced and you danced. I made finger impressions and saw them clearly through you. It was the day I learnt you are not a perfect reflection. The frays of my dress and the little hairs that stuck out on my head didn’t grace your appearance. Or did I just miss them, enamored as I was with your perfection.

I wonder if the long walks we took every evening are only in my head. I was always on time, I love to think. And somehow we kept up with our daily dates all the way till work demanded I sacrifice my evenings. We’d walk side by side and I’d rumble on about everything I was doing. Do you remember those conversations we had? Or has everything about us been one-sided and the reason you only ever appear as gray and dull as you always do is because you are uninterested? Simply tethered to me with no choice.

I wonder if you remember X, the photographer who was obsessed with you. He went out with me just to get to you. You probably don’t know what it feels like to be used. But he always had high praise for you. He took more photos of you than we made memories of that doomed relationship. How your waist always appeared more defined than mine. How your legs were longer at just the right time of day and your upper body appeared slimmer. Did he make all that up? Is it when we reawakened our affair? Well...my affair. That now I always give you the second glance.

With all these questions, it's hard to tell if you were stalking me or I was stalking you.

Even when I wasn't with her, shadows of her were everywhere.

Indie music from the playlist she made me drifted up from the old furniture store.

Grafitti stickers that looked like her art style, peeling off from the traffic lights.

Lines or references to a show we both loved in snippets of my offhand conversations.

The all-dressed chips and cherry ice cream in the shopping aisles we had gotten for a movie night.

And I was in love with it.

With the music, the graffiti, the snacks, the conversations she was in without her being there. And I wondered, how was I supposed to live without her. What was I going to do if she ever left? Her shadows were everywhere, flittering and darting around. Everywhere, she was everywhere.

*

Creatures watch and burn

the plane of reality

silently.

At the edge I sit,

consumed by a lifeless pit.

Nothingness grows from

the breath of beasts,

horror sleeps.

My mind, shadowless,

no shine, no rays, what’s after this?

Cosmic terrors creep

In the mindless, the

forgotten.

My claws unveil dreams,

they strip desire not yet seen.

Flesh manifests dread,

ancient carnage that

decays days.

I drink my poison

pleased, in flames I swim helpless.

Galactic walks warp

wishes, dwell all paths

unbroken.

Endless I am…

No depths sound…

I pummel the

Rivers of space,

Graves of pain

left in place…

I am the eternity

between your breath,

I am the hours not spent…

Behind starless fabric,

through vanishing divinity

I live.

Formed by Hope and Destruction,

Nothing passes my eyes,

I am a fragmented entity,

frozen in the soul

of all.

Image: “Nebulous Nightmares” by Matthew Attard. Digital, 2015. (x-post from /r/ImaginaryMindscapes).

When I told you I would always love and care for you, I meant it.

At the end of what we were, you were no longer the person I said it to.

I am not in love with you, but I'm in love with your shadow.

I know what I meant when I said it, and I'll always stand by it.

At a certain point, I learned that I was not speaking to you or the person you used to be.

I was talking to the soul that would tell me the same in due time.

I had just hoped you were housing that soul for this lifetime.

And it was nobody's fault I loved the idea of you and not who you were.

And that's all it was.

Simple misunderstanding, simple incompatibility.

I do not fault you for that.

But the choices you made are inexcusable.

The complex series of steps and procedures you chose to apply

were fully within your control.

And I'm glad you took responsibility for most of that.

I've made peace with it long ago, and I still stand by what I told you.

I still care for you and wish you well.

I know you are deserving and capable of it.

I am still in love with the soul I once saw in you.

And I hope that you find peace too.

I love you to the moon and back.

You told me you love me back.

I promised I would always have your back.

And on my word, I never go back.

Tracing your every footprint,

I’m always a step behind you

For if anyone tried to backstab you,

I would suffer through the pain instead.

Tracing your every footprint,

I’m always a step behind you.

I followed you like a bodyguard

So even your shadow couldn’t hurt you.

Tracing your every footprint,

I’m always a step behind you.

Amalie and Adrian, we’re the perfect pair.

They all said we were meant to be.

Tracing your every footprint,

I’m always a step behind you.

I soon was no longer known as Amalie,

But rather as Adrian’s girlfriend.

Tracing your every footprint,

I’m always a step behind you.

I melted into the darkness of your shadow,

And yet you were still in love with me.

Tracing your every footprint,

I’m always a step behind you

But even when no one tries to backstab you,

I still suffer through the pain.

I love you to the moon and back.

You told me you love me back.

I promised I would always have your back.

But on my word, I wish I went back.

In the most

unromantic way

through the

internet

Louise fell in love

with a woman

An obsession

A lustful relationship

with her alter ego

from a distance

She loves

her tattoo and

the way it

moves

when she flexes her

back

in that black and white

photograph

and her

iconic

brown bun in

sepia undertones

She is obsessed

with this young woman

she will never see

the shadow of

I watch your shadow dance on the cracked asphalt, extending her arms, spinning.

I think her mouth opens for a moment, singing along to the song your friend is playing on her phone. It's a good one- reminds me of when we were kids, letting popsicle juice drip down our chins as we sat on your porch steps, knee to knee.

"Turn it off." Your voice is lethal, a razors edge held to tender wrists. Silently she mutes the phone, stumbling to your side.

I watch as your shadow reaches a gentle hand towards her trembling shoulders.

You scoff, look forwards, and walk away, a new "friend" taking the place of the girl you have abandoned on the asphalt behind you.

Your shadow leans back, stretching fingertips as far as they will go towards the girl, seeking an embrace, but they fall just short, yanked away by your uncaring heels.

Indifference. You seem to project the emotion.

I know better than to believe it.

Perhaps it is not that you don't care but rather that you once cared too much.

When you were the follower instead of the leader, cast aside again and again, I stood beside you. Washed your bloody knees in my kitchen sink when they shoved you down, pulling you into my arms... always a bit too tight, as if I was afraid to lose you.

I was an idiot. I was so worried about losing you that I didn't notice when you started to lose yourself.

You turn and smile at boys sitting at a lunch table. They whistle at you, predatory eyes glinting in the sunlight.

It's almost as if I can see the old you... your shadow... lunging at them, a feral growl in her throat as she races across the pavement, a dark blur.

Instead you giggle, toss your hair, and keep walking, turning back once to wink at them before disappearing around the side of the school.

I'm sorry.

Even now as you gaze down at me from atop your empire I see the fear in your eyes.

As much as you may repeat the empty words to yourself in the mirror at night,

you are not happy.

I've seen you happy.

The days you sat across from me in math, passing crumpled notes between rusting desks.

Your teeth glinting in the darkness at our sleepovers, confiding your latest fixation, the person you would marry one day.

I would always smile along, come up with some imaginary person to be fixated on if only to have something to add to the conversation.

I wonder, even now, if the name I should have forced out of my lips was your own,

but it is far too late for such regrets.

Perhaps you push me away because we both know I can see through that manufactured smile.

Perhaps you were tired of the way I always seemed to care a little bit too much.

But for now, I'll stay.

Waiting for you to come back,

Smiling as I watch your shadow.

From the dancing lights,

to sunny square walks.

No shadow so sexy,

that I desire to chalk.

Like Peter Pan, I hasten the chase,

with your shadow soft as satin lace.

Oh, what would your shadow say?

It's a fantasy, I know.

But its the best I can do.

Because I'm too timid to approach you, Boo.

So with face disguised, and social distance,

I'll remain unseen for this instance.

So until lives change for sunnier days,

I'll be in love with your shadowy sways.