I asked you what you wanted for your birthday

And you told me you wanted to see me smile.

You said to forget about the gifts or the monety,

And to just be happy for once.

I showed up to your party doing my best to grin,

Hiding my insecurities behind a vibrant yellow dress.

Your favorite color is yellow, like the sun when it sets,

Or the flowers on your front lawn as they blossom.

I wore the earrings you gave me a few months back,

Blue like the sea in the mid afternoon, the same color

As the sky overhead just when it's about to rain.

A soft grey, yet a deep blue at the same time.

You told me I looked happy, pretty, and alive.

But I didn't feel it.

Not for a moment.

Every second made my head spin.

Every lie that came out of my mouth,

Covered up by a laugh made my gut twist.

Everyone that looked at me and smiled made me

Want to throw up because it was all fake.

The yellow wasn't for how happy I was.

It was because I was a coward and too scared to admit it.

The blue wasn't calm or peaceful

But rather raging and foaming,

Ready to break at the drop of a hat.

"Smile." You told me, smiling at me.

But all I heard was a plea from a friend,

Begging me

To put on my party mask,

And pretend I was okay

For once.

Because they wanted

To have a good day,

Uninterupted by

My lack

Of motivation

To live.

(Maybe you're not my friend after all)

i put on that red lipstick and transform,

my makeup is layered on to the extent i am a stranger in the mirror,

my actions are unrecognizable as well,

alcohol burns my throat,

another man tries to cop a feel,

this time i don’t bother shoving him away,

surrounded by all these people,

yet i don’t know anyone,

we dance the night away without a worry in the world,

forget that we are only teenagers,

that our biggest worry is completing our homework or studying for midterms,

how did we end up in this place?

- i don’t belong, please take me away from here

*Just a disclaimer being my age I didn’t actually write this about myself, but I do understand trying to act older than I really am and the pressure to behave in an idealistic way.

Smile and laugh.

Play the part.

Don’t tell unless they ask.

You can always restart.

Never step away.

Always glow in the light.

Be sure to cover your decay.

Don’t forget to do it right.

What they see is what’s real.

A party mask, a plastic fake.

Just a few more, deal?

I don’t know how much more I can take.

The truth is I don’t invite myself to parties anymore

There was a gala for the mentally stable called waiting in line at the bank I showed up for a fee minutes and said sorry I’ve got class in the morning

There was a party actually parties for people who can cope with walking in filled public spaces and holding onto friends for more than 6 month

And on the good days it feels like a movie as if I’m almost believable other days I think maybe cutting would put one or two pieces of mine back into place but there are no more pieces left to give as party favors

And the truth is I don’t go to parties because there are none I’m really interested in and besides I can’t exactly tell my friends I feel like a ghost without them telling me ghosts aren’t people and I’m still standing so I must want a party

But party for people who are living starts at 10

and I haven’t decided if I’m going yet

The party mask

has a purpose you ask?

it is to masquerade

the personality of the one who produdly dons it

it helps wearer change into someone else

to protect self

from the criticism that once was faced

when they made the stupid mistake

of naively arriving barefaced.